RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

First off I have to apologise for not updating/reading up on everyones blog. I have no excuse, so I’m sorry. I WILL go back and catch up with all ur posts. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was ill during my fertile week so we took it easy. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC clinic the other day and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. The specialist agrees that it isn’t normal to have this many losses for NO reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant and she’s booked me in for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. She thinks possibly a septate or bicornuate uterus COULD be a reason for the losses. It’s pretty rare, but its worth getting the tests. She also thinks if I make it to the 7/8 week mark, I might benefit from Clexane injections – just as another thing to try. I’m telling her to fling everything my way – hey, I pay my taxes!

I feel like we’re not being ignored anymore.. that the doctors are willing to help us more now. The only thing left to do now is get pregnant! Funnily enough that’s actually the thing I feel most relaxed about. Although that could be because its ovulation week and I always feel a little more *cough* “relaxed” at this time!!

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have started a miscarriage blog and have 100 people reading it. I had no idea I would have to undertake tests, book acupuncture appointments and spend months researching tips on having a full term pregnancy.

I sometimes try imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a beautiful house, with 2 kids – (stepson and one biological one), financially secure and happy, and then I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future is going to bring – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.

So, as I sit in a hotel room waiting to visit Poland for my 30th birthday, all I can do is forget about my past; stop picturing my future and just enjoy my present.

Miscarriage & Media

Miscarriage & Media

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)

(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)

Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!

I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together… but.. and here’s one for all of us…

How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah..I can. And I will!

Only downside? I thought of this answer on the train journey home!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Tea for Me.

No Tea for Me.

I’ve been absent from WordPress again the past few weeks. I’m the worst blogger, I really am.

I’ve been so busy with working full time and getting my online business up and running. It’s been going great but it’s hard keeping up with orders and work and trying for a baby. It’s bloody exhausting!

I took on board everyone’s advice last post and purchased raspberry leaf tea capsules. I had to do the capsule thing; I’m really not a huge tea drinker. Believe it or not, not everyone in the UK loves a cuppa!

I also tried the “conceive plus” fertility gel, but I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan. It wasn’t particularly messy or icky like I feared.. it just kind of made it.. I dunno, different. We ended up just using it after I *cough* finished *cough* which worked out best for us. Maybe I’m just not a lube-y kinda girl.

Anyone experience side effects from the supplements? Just curious.

I’m now on day 30, of a normal 32 day cycle. (Last month was 33) and feeling pretty normal. I’ve been crazy gassy (TMI) much to my husband’s delight and I’ve been a little emotional – but my dog did just pass away so….

Anyway. I’ll update with any phantom symptoms/late periods/eventual menstruation 🙂

Appointment with the NHS

Appointment with the NHS

I’ve spoken briefly about my frustration with the NHS in relation to my miscarriages and I think I should be more specific. Its mainly at my local GP’S attitude and staff than aren’t directly involved with my history. And I tend to be constantly angry at the R.A.H hospital by how I was treated by them during my 1st miscarriage at 21. (See my post ‘guilt’ for more detail on that one)

I had my appointment at the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital  (Southern general – it’ll always be southern general to me)

Anyway.. the doctor and sister that seen me today were fantastic. I’d already met the sister when I was in for tests around 9months ago (9months,  how horrendously ironic). They were both so understanding and sympathetic.  I wasnt patronised or made to feel like it wasnt a big deal. They were genuine.  And while I cried at least 4 times, I left feeling better… feeling listened to.

I never had further tests done as everything that could be tested already has been. Everything is negative. Or positive. I dunno.. it’s a good result. I’m basically a picture of health. I’ve just been unlucky. Three times.
Part of me hoped there was something – at least that way it could be treated. But I was assured that medically speaking its better this way.

The advice was just to keep trying. Stay positive. Do everything I’m already doing. It’s hard to see the light sometimes but I am going to keep going. I’ve only been fighting for a year and I know some of you have been fighting much longer. Your strength helps me keep going.

If anyone is delaying the tests, or scared to go for fear of discovering something they didn’t want to know – just go. The worst is fear of the unknown. Once you have some kind of answer, you can start to move on. I’m still going to feel like shit every now and then, I’m still going to be angry and frustrated. I’ll 100% still cry. But I’ll know that there’s nothing more I can or could ever have done. I know that when it’s my time.. I’ll have my baby.

(At least that’s the positivity I’m trying to lead with today!)

Guilt

Guilt

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Most of the people that have visited or read my blog know that I’ve recently had my 3rd miscarriage.. my first post described in detail my 2nd MC and I’ve mentioned my third.. however I very rarely share the story around my 1st and that’s because there’s a huge amount of guilt that surrounds it.. but I want to share it here, where I hope I can be open and true.

I was about 21 and hadn’t long discovered my bf at the time had been cheating on me. I took the cheating how most 21 year old girls would – horribly and dependant on going out and getting drunk. When i was with him I was on the pill intermittently which is horrendous I know.

A few weeks passed and it occured to me that I hadn’t had a period in a while. I wasn’t sure how long, but I’d guessed around 2months. I calmly took a test not really expecting much and froze when it came back positive. What. The. Fuck? How did this happen? As a now 29 year old I despise myself for how easily I fell pregnant… so feel free to do the same.

Here’s where the biggest guilt bit comes in. I knew straight away that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. There wasn’t a shred of doubt in my mind. I had zero finances, I was a student working part time in a night club and I had next to no contact with my ex – the dad. I didn’t want to see him again, never mind have a child with him. Even now, I don’t regret my decision – I planned to do what was right for myself at the time.

Anyway…I went to the doctors, booked an appointment and that was pretty much all I had to do until I returned to take the pills. They didn’t try deter me or convince me to tell the dad (I chose never to tell him). They just said ok and gave me a follow up appointment.

About a week later, I woke up cramping in agony with blood covering my bedsheets. I stupidly went for a bath and the water turned red.I genuinely had no clue what was happening. I barely even knew of miscarriages. I phoned my doctor and she told me to get to the hospital immediately. I phoned a taxi and tried to put a couple of pads in to hold the bleeding.

I sat in the hospital waiting room for about an hour before anyone seen me. I remember everything being cold, clinical and immensely unsympathetic. But that was expected right? After all I didn’t even want the baby anyway.

Without going in to loads of detail, I had to get a d&c about 6 hours later as it didn’t pass naturally. They kept telling me I was wrong and the pain would go but it never did. They finally agreed to another scan and seen that the baby was still inside.
As a result I lost more blood than usual and I was kept in overnight. I was completely alone. None of my family knew and the one friend that did couldn’t be bothered coming with me. It is single handedly the worst I’ve ever been treated at a hospital. The entire time I was there I was sore,terrified and ashamed. I felt guilty for expecting sympathy. This was what I wanted wasn’t it?

The main reason I don’t talk a lot about this 1st MC, is because for me.. I never had to get over the emotional loss. I’m still disgusted at how I was treated. I didn’t want the baby but there was no way I wanted that! For me.. it was more of a physical loss and I don’t like to compare it to my more recent miscarriages.

I wrote this to try explain that a miscarriage is traumatic no matter what. There’s different levels of trauma and no one should treat someone differently just because their MC was more upsetting than theirs. We as women should support each other and our decisions and we should fight to change the attitudes of those around us.. especially the NHS. No one should be treated the way I was. I was a 21 year old naive frightened young woman and they treated me like I was a disgrace to expectant mothers everywhere.

I now know the true emotional pain of a miscarriage and I sometimes wonder if maybe that was my punishment.

I’ll follow you down

I’ll follow you down

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I was walking to work on Sunday afternoon with my earphones in and my first dance song came on. (“I’ll Follow You Down” by Shinedown if anyones wondering). It immediately took me back to the wedding. The 25th January last year. The best day of my life… I also happened to be 10 weeks pregnant.

All I could think about was me walking down the aisle.  A string quartet version of Eric Claptons Wonderful Tonight was playing as I walked. Seeing Nikki at the end of the aisle, just waiting for me to arrive. Only a handful of people knowing I was pregnant.  Being so excited thinking that Kian (my stepson) was going to announce it after our vows. But only a mere few weeks later everything had fell apart.

Although I’m in a far better place now.. even after yet another miscarriage… there’s still a part of me that’s broken.  I hope one day I’ll be able to think back to my wedding and not feel that bit of sadness. It shouldn’t be like that.  My wedding and my honeymoon both sometimes remind me of a shitty time and it’s  so frustrating.. I mean, my wedding was PERFECT. Literally. .. it could not have went any better, yet there’s still a wee bit of negativity surrounding the memories. Don’t get me wrong, I can still have fond memories,  there was still a LOT of beautiful moments but there’s just a bit of a cloud hanging over it.

I want to be able to listen to my songs and smile again.

Positive Test..Negative mood..

Positive Test..Negative mood..

I went to my GP to ask about the bleeding/passing some tissue thing and told her I thought it might have been a miscarriage as Ive been actively trying and I’ve already had 2 previous ones (7 weeks and 12 weeks)

She looked at “the specimen” I brought with me – it’s awful callling it that, but I didn’t actually know what it was (still don’t). She didn’t look me over,  take a blood test,  take a pregnancy test,  nothing!! Basically said it was prob a miscarriage and she would refer me to a specialist and they would do tests to see if there was a reason why I keep having MCs. I explained I’ve already had these tests and nothing showed up. She went ahead and referred me anyway and sent me on my merry way.

When I got home, I took a pregnancy test as at that point nothing had actually been confirmed. It came up positive. Ok.. so it was a miscarriage. Now I finally had my answer.

Its Sunday now and I have less answers and more questions. I took another test tonight around 5pm and it was a much clearer positive. My boobs are agony and they were fine a few days ago. I still have some spotting but the blood has never been massively heavy. Its never soaked through or anything. It was so different to my other miscarriages. Yes there was some cramping,  but it wasn’t excruciating pain like it was last time. I could barely stand with the pain, and my tummy was sore to the touch.

So what now? Was it a miscarriage? Was it a chemical pregnancy? Maybe I still have something more to pass? Am I still pregnant? Why hasn’t my doctor scanned me or sent me to hospital?? I feel like I was just shooed out of her office with more questions than answers. I have no idea what to think or do now. My husband doesn’t want me to get my hopes up and think that I’m still pregnant which I totally get.. but it’s the not knowing that’s worse. I can’t really be sure of what’s happened and that’s killing me.

It’s happening again

It’s happening again

I thought my period came the other day.. 5 days late. . But now I’m not so sure.
Last night at work I felt something kind of just sitting in my underwear. When I went to the toilet I’d obviously passed something. Something that looked like tissue, fetus,  I dunno… just not a period. I had cramps that disappeared almost immediately – same as last time..I took whatever it was that I passed and placed it in a sample jar. I need to know.

I have an appointment at 1.40 and I’ll find out for sure then. It’ll be my 3rd miscarriage if it is.. . One at home, one on honeymoon in Cuba and one at work 2 days before my birthday.

I feel so lost today. I hate waiting.