It’s been a difficult few weeks and I just haven’t had the heart to write. Hubbys contracted hours were halved literally overnight so we had to come to terms with the fact we’re going to be making a LOT less. I work sessional hours so I have no guaranteed hours but I’m trying my hardest to accept whatever and whenever. We go on holiday in 3 weeks and we still don’t have everything saved up. The last thing I want to do is be relaxing on a beach telling Kian we don’t have enough money for his ice cream cone. (OK so maybe it’s not that extreme but still… I’m an excessive panic)
I got my period last week. But of couree I STILL can’t get an appointment for this cycle. I’ll be in Greece when my injections are due so now I need to wait until August. Fuck.
Also. Why am I still not pregnant naturally? If there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be falling then why the hell is it not happening?
There’s me talking about how the 3 day challenge is so much easier to stick to and how excited I was to do it, and suddenly I’m 4 days in and only have 1 quote!
My excuses – work, college, weekend, wine(s), a really good film, a christening and a birthday. I think you should let me off.
But here it is. Better late than never. Quote number 2:
“A day without laughter is a day wasted”
This was of course from the late, great Charlie Chaplin. I kind of wish I’d left this until the last day to finish on one of the greats, but I just had to put it in. I guess it sets me a challenge for tomorrow right?
Anyway, this quote. It’s a good one isn’t it? We need to laugh. We need to smile. And we need to remember that no matter what we’re going through, there’s always a reason to be happy. My husband makes me laugh. A lot. My friends silly texts make me giggle. Sticking on a stand up comedy or an episode of Friends does it for me too. Catching my dog trying desperately to catch her tail. Watching Kian pretend he’s a stuntman at the park. In all honesty it took me a while to see it, but everywhere I look there’s reasons to laugh and smile and just be happy.
What are some things that make you laugh?
I’m officially 2 days late. I’m hoping by saying (writing) it out loud – it will somehow jinx me and bring on a heavy flow.
I’m not saying I want my period to come – I just hate the waiting. And the constant checking of the toilet paper. Man, I miss the days of just wiping and flushing. Isn’t it funny the things you take for granted. Wiping and flushing has got to be in the top 5.
“Why don’t you just take a test Nicola?” says the voice in my head, and I’m sure some of you are thinking it too. Truth be told, I have no answer for that. Fear maybe. Risk of disappointment.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have any and it’s Sunday so I’m putting off getting dressed for as long as possible.
I don’t want to jump the gun. It is only 2 days. 99% of the time, I’m a 30 day cycle, but there’s always that 1% that likes to wind me up.
Ach maybe I’ll get dressed and buy a test.
Maybe I’ll wait.
I had my 2nd appointment at the I.V.F clinic today. I had no idea what to expect – I kind of figured it wouldn’t be baby making time just yet but, I don’t know what’s left to do. Turns out, it’s a lot.
I waited for like an hour in the waiting room. It was so busy. I’m not complaining about waiting (well I’m not complaining now. I was probably internally complaining a little at the time) but, I’m just so shocked at how many men and women are going through this. And that was just today! How many were there yesterday? And how many will be there tomorrow? And the next day?
It’s kind of comforting knowing I’m not doing this alone. There’s so many of us. Of course it’s tragic, and I wish this whole miscarriage/infertility thing was just a myth – but it is kind of nice knowing you’re not in the boat alone.
I read one of the notices they had up in the waiting room. Turns out this clinic (at the Glasgow Royal Infirmary) has the highest success rate in the whole of Scotland. Something like 168 live births from 309 embryo transfers (I think that’s the terms, I’m still not 100% sure of all of this). Those numbers may not be entirely accurate either, but it’s around that mark.
Back to the appointment. I had an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst free and that my uterus looked good.
“You have a lovely uterus”
“Why thank you, it’s all my own”.
It’s kind of strange getting compliments on your uterus, but hey – I’m a woman – a compliments a compliment.
She showed me where I’d ovulated from this month and I could see 5 or 6 little black circles that she told me were my eggs. First scan I’ve had that’s made me smile. That’s an achievement in it’s own.
Now all that’s left is to wait. Wait for Nikki’s results. Wait to get to the top of the list. Wait to get more blood tests. Wait to get our detailed medical history. Wait for my period. Wait for our treatment to start.
This is all getting very very real.
Merry Christmas/Happy New year/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Other religious holidays I don’t really know much about. Hope everyone’s well.
Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was pretty sick for a few weeks so it was off the table – and I really didn’t mind. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC (Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic) a few days ago and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. Third time lucky I guess.. Except that really doesn’t mean anything to me.
My specialist agrees that it isn’t “normal” to have this many losses for no reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant. She’s also sending me for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. Well I can think of one straightaway love – it won’t keep a bloody baby in it!
Maybe we’re getting somewhere now. Only time will tell.
I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)
(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)
Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!
I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together.
Later on I thought some more about it.
I sat on the train home and thought about the past few years, and thought about the people on here that I’ve spoke to and read about, and do you know what I realised? How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah you know what? I bloody can. And I bloody will!