7 months (not pregnant)

7 months (not pregnant)

by nicolamcgowan

Screenshot_20200403-190706_Facetune 2Its been 7 months since I last blogged. How did that happen? Writing used to be so therapeutic for me, it was my way of coping. I have no idea why I never came back to it. And why now? Maybe it’s something to do with self isolation and covid-19. Seriously, who seen this coming?

So where did I leave off? Failed IVF attempt? My next one was successful – I made it to 6 weeks before miscarrying again. Fuck. I’m starting to think that maybe babies just ain’t part of my plan. It’s easier to blame the Universe than blame my own body.

I’ve used up all my first batch of eggs so it’s the start of round two – or it was, before this virus came and shit all over everyone’s hopes and dreams.

Covid hasn’t just fucked up my IVF plans – it’s also brought a pretty devastating loss to our family. On Friday 3rd April, my husband lost his dad to the virus. He was only in his 50’s and none of us were ready to say goodbye. It didn’t seem fair – it still doesn’t. But when is death ever fair? When are we ever ready to let someone go? I just know we all thought we’d have a lot more time together. It really hurts.

We’re coping though. We’ll get through this. We all will.

Stay safe everyone.

21 thoughts on “7 months (not pregnant)”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear you have had another MC. I have started to think pregnancy isn’t on my plan either. It’s a scary place. Thinking of u.

    Also so sorry to hear about your father in law. Stay strong x

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you. I’m working on getting back in to meditation and mindfulness to have a more positive outlook – but it can be difficult at times like this. But i do believe your thoughts become reality
      Covid definitely is testing us though!

      I’m sending you strength and positivity
      Stay strong xx

      Like

      Reply

      1. It certainly is. I have been walking for an hour everyday for the last 3 weeks. I need to get back to meditation.
        Reaccurant miscarriage is such a hard thing to cope with.theres no guide book! It’s the uncertainty that does me, and the same with covid. How is your husband coping? X

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Exactly! I was told that medically there was no reason for my losses and it would happen eventually.. it would just be a question of how many times was I willing to go through it. 8 losses now and I’m not sure how many more I’ve got left in me

        He’s doing ok. Some days are better than others. Just wish there was something more I could do xx

        Like

      3. Oh Nicola I’m so sorry. We have been told the same pretty much. Just got to wait for the golden egg. We’ve had 6 losses now, I feel your pain. I just wonder how many more times I can put myself through it, but then what’s the alternative?

        When you have the IVF are you having ICSI? have all your loses been from IVF ?

        Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. No, I fell pregnant naturally 5 times.(although one was when I was a lot younger) I lost a baby at 12 weeks on honeymoon then after a few more I suddenly stopped falling naturally (over a year and then I was put on the waiting list for IVF) then I lost twins with IVF and then another one in December.

        No, just IVF with hubbys sperm and my eggs (he has a 10 year old from a previous relationship who lives with us) so we’re in the “unexplained” category. Which can be frustrating (which I guess you get?)

        Have you been trying long? I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so many losses too 😔💜

        Like

      5. Nicola I’m sending you positive rainbow wishes. I hope after this covid , you can have more IVF.
        You have had such a tough time too. It’s high trauma isn’t it , going through what we currently are.
        We have been trying since our wedding day sept 2017. There’s just no finish line. I’m 37 years old so I’m hoping I have a good few more years! How old are you? Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I’m 34 this year so biologically speaking I should be ok for another few years esp with IVF (I’m down to one ovary so natural seems more and more difficult) but I don’t think we’ll go another few years. This is our 5th year
        We’re happy with whatever the outcome but obv in an ideal world we’d have our own baby..

        I so hope you get your ideal ending too! 💜 it’s one of those things you’ll never understand – how it seems to be so easy for some, but so unbelievably difficult for others

        Xxx

        Like

  2. I am so sorry for both your losses. This virus has been ruthless, and infertility is as unkind. Keeping you and your family in our prayers babe ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. Hello, I just read (most) of your blog after feeling a little down myself… We’ve had 5 miscarriages, 1 before my now 3 year old son, and 4 in the last 2 years and are ttc again, period is due in two days, fingers crossed.
    I have to say that the emotional roller-coaster is very recognisable, and you made me smile and wipe away a tear, and curse at gp’s 🙂 (I have a great gp now)
    Thank you for sharing, and giving me a different perspective.
    Sorry for your loss

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thats so lovely to say, thank you! I’m in the middle of rewriting a lot and turning it into a book so it’s involved me going back to the start and it’s definitely made me realise even more what a crazy time we all experience! Constant up and downs! (I too have a lovely GP now 🤣)

      I’m sorry for your many losses, it’s just utterly heartbreaking

      Its period day today isnt it? I hope the wee devil doesn’t turn up! Keeping everything crossed for you xx

      Like

      Reply

      1. It did turn up, two days late… Oh well, we’ll get there eventually.
        Rewriting the whole experience must be something else as well! I hope everything is going smoothly and it’s not too emotional reliving it all again…

        Like

  6. Hello Nicola, I just wanted to say thank you for writing this blog. I felt very identified with it, if at a different stage on the journey. I have just suffered my third miscarriage conceived naturally while our IVF got postponed due to Covid. Waiting on investigations now, which can be nerve wracking as everything takes so long with the NHS.
    I laughed and cried reading your posts. You are a very positive and inspiring person. I sincerely hope you’ll get to hold your longed for baby in your arms. I too am thinking about starting a blog although a bit shy. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment Irene. And firstly, I am so sorry you’re having to go through this too. Its awful. I’m so deeply sorry for your losses.

      I’d definitely recommend starting to write.. dont need to put your real name up if you dont feel up to that. But writing definitely helped me heal

      And if you decide to do it, please come back and let me know so I can follow 💖

      Like

      Reply

Leave a comment