I got my period bang on time again this month. I said last time that I was feeling ok about not being pregnant, but truthfully – I think I only said that because I was convinced that I was going to see a positive.
I’m so confused. I fell pregnant literally immediately last time. This time, it’s so fucking hard! I’m 28, I’m a healthy weight, I take folic acid and I ‘try’ throughout my cycle so why am I still not bloody pregnant? Didn’t that girl down the road get pregnant by accident?
The anger comes sometimes too. I see all these people having babies and not giving a shit. I see them 7 months pregnant and still smoking. I see them shouting and swearing at their kids and I feel so much hatred for them. Yes, I said hatred. It isn’t fair. They take it for granted, while here I am trying everything to fall pregnant and they don’t even realise how lucky they are.
Aunt Flo is due next week. Next Thursday to be precise and I’m feeling relatively calm this time round. I actually think we hit ovulation pretty spot on, although we aren’t being super strict and stressing about it (or at least trying not to; it’s easier said than done). We’re still doing ‘it’ a couple of times during my “hot week” as I like to call it. I’m pretty sure that’s the technical term anyway.
I can honestly say that this is the first month since my loss that I feel ok about not being pregnant. I finally feel in a good place. Yes, of course I would still love to see that big fat positive on Thursday, but if I don’t – that’s ok. I’m happier now than what I was. I feel content just being around my husband and my stepson. I’m looking forward to things now, like going trick-or-treating in a few weeks (for my stepson, not me – promise!). I apologise for mentioning it, but I’m excited about Christmas. I absolutely cannot wait to go to Paris in January for our anniversary . I’m trying to realise that I can enjoy these things whether I’m pregnant or not. Having a baby isn’t everything to me right now. I need to be here for my family and stop letting it eat away at me.
When I really sit down and take a look at my life, I’m actually pretty lucky. Ok, so I don’t have my baby right now and yes that’s horrible… but look at what I do have. I have a husband who loves me and a stepson who adores me. I get to share most of my days with the 2 people that mean the most to me, and nothing will change that. I’m finally happy.
P.S the picture is of the spot where we buried the letter and booties for the baby. We put the little flower on top too. (if you’ve read my post 12 weeks you’ll know what I’m talking about). It’s in the Hotel Sol Cayo Coco in Cuba, and we really hope to go back one day….