So I got my period bang on time again this month. I said in my last post that I was feeling ok about now being pregnant, but truthfully – I think I only said that because I was convinced that I was going to be.
I just feel so confused. I fell pregnant literally immediately last time. This time, it’s so f***ing hard! I’m 28, I’m a healthy weight, take folic acid and “try” throughout my cycle so why am I still not pregnant??
I feel angry now too. I see all these people having babies and not giving a shit. I see them 7months pregnant and still smoking. I see them shouting and swearing at their kids and I feel so much hatred for them. It isn’t fair. They take it for granted, while here I am trying everything to fall pregnant and they don’t even realise how lucky they are.
Can anyone relate? Does anyone have some words of support. I think I could really do with it.
So AF is due next week.. Next Thursday to be precise and I’m feeling relatively calm this time round. I actually think we hit ovulation time pretty spot on, although we aren’t being super strict and stressing about it (or at least trying not to; it’s easier said than done). We’re still doing ‘it’ a couple times during my “hot week” as I like to call it. I’m sure thats the technical term anyway.
I can honestly say that this is the first month since my M/C that I actually feel ok about not being pregnant. I finally feel in a good place. Yes, of course I would still love to see that big fat positive on Thursday, but if I don’t that’s ok. I’m happier now than what I was. I feel content just being around my husband and my stepson. I’m looking forward to things now, like going trick-or-treating in a few weeks (for my stepson, not me – promise!). I apologise for mentioning it, but I’m excited about Christmas. I absolutely cannot wait to go to Paris in January for our anniversary – plus – we’re taking the wee man with us for a surprise trip to Disneyland!! What i’m trying to get at is, I’m going to enjoy all these things whether I’m pregnant or not. It isn’t everything to me right now. I need to be here for my family and stop letting it eat away at me.
When I really sit down and take a look at my life, I’m actually pretty lucky. Ok, so I don’t have my baby right now and thats horrible… but look what I do have. I have a husband who loves me and a stepson who adores me. I get to share most of my days with the 2 people that mean the most to me, and nothing will change that. I’m finally happy.
I want to say to the people that have suffered like so many of us have… just know that it does get easier. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it may take a while to get there.. but I promise you, you will.
P.S the pic i put is the spot where we buried the letter and booties for the baby. We put the wee flower on top too. (if you’ve read my post 12 weeks you’ll know what Im talking about). It’s in the Hotel Sol Cayo Coco in Cuba, and we really hope to go back one day….