My present

My present

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have a frequent flyer card at my local hospital, no idea that I would spend hours researching acupuncture and tips on how to get pregnant (and stay that way). In fact, “full term pregnancy” wasn’t even in my vocabulary – it was just pregnancy. A simple straightforward word. It stood alone. The only thing that followed ‘pregnancy’ was ‘baby’. 

I sometimes imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a detached house with 2 or 3 kids (including Kian), we’re financially secure and of course ecstatically happy and then I realise I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future holds for me – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.  

I need to stop imagining and fantasizing. I need to live my life. I need to forget about my past, I need to stop picturing my future and I really need to try enjoy  just living in my present. 

“Try” – optimal word. 

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Insecurities

Insecurities

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Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016

It hasn’t been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….

Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.

Ups And Downs

Ups And Downs

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It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. I think I say things a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the real ups and downs of all of this. Some days are definitely more shitty than others. 

I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hell’s Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out. 

We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that? 

I experience a lot of self doubt sometimes. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine ever actually being a mum. 

I started Googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Probably around 2 or 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you hear about a lot of people getting pregnant when they were shit faced on vodka don’t you? (Just look at Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’) 

Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better. 

Am I ok now?

Am I ok now?

I haven’t blogged in a while.. well a while for me. It’s been nearly 2 weeks I think..  I tend to blog more when I’m upset or frustrated or just looking for someone to hear me vent (it’s a bad habit, I really need to start blogging more on good days too otherwise I’ll just come off as a grumpy, sad, angry woman!)

If I haven’t blogged then it must be a good sign though? I’ve been feeling pretty good recently. I still have people asking if I’ve managed to get pregnant yet and I still seem to be surrounded by pregnant women. I of course still want to be pregnant but I’m okay with it all. I really am.

(And this is coming from a woman who’s slap bang in the middle of her TWW)

Repost – 12 weeks

Repost – 12 weeks

I still have such vivid memories of the day that it terrifies me. Sometimes it’s all my mind will allow me to think about. The thoughts crop up every so often, and they’re almost always without warning. I could be watching the television, reading a book or even relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath then suddenly there it is – right at the forefront of my mind. It can feel like I’m watching a film, only I can’t stop it, can’t pause it and can never ever find the eject button.

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Pandoras Box

Pandoras Box

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There’s a box in my living room that I refer to as my ‘Pandora’s Box’.  

It’s actually a vintage suitcase that we had our guests drop their cards in to at the wedding. 

We still have it on display in our living room, only now it serves as a holder for said cards, the guestbook, my garter, a copy of the invitations, our vows, my hairband/tiara thing and some other little memories. 

As a wedding gift, I bought my husband a pocket watch he’d been eyeing up in the kilt shop and had it engraved for him. I also got a little notepad as a private gift between us that contains; well, notes. That’s kind of a given. 

I wrote things like ’10 reasons why I love you’, Where I see us in 10 years’, ‘My favourite memory together’ and other equally as cute and sickeningly romantic notes. 

This tiny seemingly innocent 4″ x 4″ notepad is the sole reason why I don’t look in the box anymore. That was, until today. 

I had to put something inside it today and I just couldn’t stop myself from looking at the notepad. I knew what I was getting myself in to. I mean, I really knew. But still – I read it. I started to cry. I tried in vain to stop, but the tears kept coming.  

There were notes about how my husband was such a good father and how he was going to be a brilliant one again to our little one. Notes about how we had everything we ever wanted, and life was pretty much perfect. We used to call the baby lentil (I know I’m not the only one that does this), so there was a mention of how I love that he would do anything for me, Kian and lentil.  Just seeing that word broke my heart. I broke down again. 

Next week will be 1 year since we lost our little one and I truthfully can’t ever see myself being completely okay. I’ll always have the ‘should’ve been’ dates in my mind. I’ll always wonder why it had to happen to us. We miss you so much Lentil. Why did you have to leave us? 

New Year

New Year

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It’s a New Year but it’s not quite a new me. Not yet. 

I have my appointment tomorrow with the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I officially suffer from “recurrent miscarriages”. I hate that this is an issue for me. I find it so hard to stay positive sometimes. All my family and friends keep saying “Don’t worry, it will happen eventually. It will happen when the time is right, when you least expect it”. 

I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, but I just smile and nod while secretly seething on the inside; frustrated at their total lack of understanding. 

Everybody seems to feel the need to come and tell me about their neighbour/sister/daughter/cousin/niece who’s trying for her 7th baby or just announced she’s pregnant after she forgot to take her pill that one day. Sometimes I imagine saying to them that while it’s lovely news, I can’t be overly happily as I’ve sadly lost 3 babies. I imagine their smiling faces dropping. I imagine them not being able to look me in the eye; not knowing how to cope with their guilt. Of course, I only imagine it. The good that’s in me lets them enjoy their moment. They’re entitled to be happy. 

I know I would be.  

My not so positive positive

My not so positive positive

I had my appointment at the doctors yesterday.  

I gave her the bottle and she looked at what she so lovingly referred to as ‘my specimen’. She didn’t look at me or feel my stomach or take a blood test. She didn’t take my blood pressure or even a bloody pregnancy test. She said it was most likely another miscarriage and the best thing would be to take a test when I got home. She said she would refer me to a specialist. I told her I’ve already been to a specialist (this was after my honeymoon loss). She either never heard me or chose to disregard what I said as she went ahead and referred me anyway, then sent me on my merry way. 

When I got home, I took a pregnancy test like she suggested.  

It was positive.  

I’d spent the best part of a year waiting to see those two lines, and now in some horrible twist of fate – it was the worst thing I could’ve seen. 

 

Checking in…..

Checking in…..

I’m coming to the end of my TWW (that’s two week wait to those who don’t know. And if you didn’t know that, you’re either perfectly sane or you’ve only recently joined the crazy ladies of the TTC group. That’s ‘trying to conceive’ by the way. Jesus, we love our acronyms. 

I’m due either tomorrow or Friday and I’ve been trying not to think about it too much – she says while blogging about it. I don’t feel pregnant, but then I didn’t really feel pregnant any other time either. I’ve been using an app to track my cycle and according to that my PMS should well have kicked in by now, but I’m surprisingly calm and laidback – normally I admittedly can get a little unhinged. So that’s a good sign right? Is it a bad sign? Is it even a sign? Am I clutching? 

All I hear is that I shouldn’t worry because I’ve got pregnant before,  but how does that help? Yeah I’ve been pregnant, but I’ve never carried a baby to term so obviously something isn’t right. It’s been 8 months since my miscarriage. Time keeps moving, and the more it does the less I believe this journey will end the way I want it to. 

I just can’t shake this feeling that somethings wrong and it’s not going to happen for me. 

 

Due Date

Due Date

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27th August 2015 was my baby’s due date. I was dreading the date. We both were. I kept thinking.. assuming even.. that we would be pregnant by then. 

If I was pregnant then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Of course it would still be painful, but a new baby would maybe ease a bit of that. Everyone always says you’re super fertile after a miscarriage, and coupled with the fact that I got pregnant almost immediately last time, I was almost certain that by my due date – I’d at least be 1 or 2 months pregnant. 

But that never happened. The due date was horrible. Waking up and knowing that you should have a baby by now. You should be holding it in your arms, or taking it home, or even screaming in agony trying to push the bloody thing out. I would much rather face that agony 1000 times over than have to suffer the agony I felt of not having my baby. 

It’s now been 7 months of trying and every month I think I could be pregnant. I get the swollen boobs, the sensitive nipples. I get a little nausea, heartburn, tiredness. I get all the symptoms. Then I get my period. 

One month I was even 14 days late. 14 DAYS! How the fuck could even a sane person not assume they were pregnant after being 14 days late? 

Maybe I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself, maybe the stress of waiting for the due date was too much. My husband keeps telling me that’s the reason, but I’m also terrified that it will never happen again. I’m terrified that the miscarriage has done something to my body and I won’t fall pregnant again. I know that’s probably silly, that there’s still plenty of time but I just can’t shift that horrible feeling. 

I’m trying to stay positive for our future. The worst parts are over now and we’ve came through it. We deserve to be happy and I owe it to myself and my husband to start focusing on the good things in life, being happy for what we do have rather than always thinking about the one thing we don’t. All I can do from this moment on is keep my fingers crossed and hope. Hope that one day we’ll get our wish.