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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have started a miscarriage blog and have 100 people reading it. I had no idea I would have to undertake tests, book acupuncture appointments and spend months researching tips on having a full term pregnancy.

I sometimes try imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a beautiful house, with 2 kids – (stepson and one biological one), financially secure and happy, and then I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future is going to bring – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.

So, as I sit in a hotel room waiting to visit Poland for my 30th birthday, all I can do is forget about my past; stop picturing my future and just enjoy my present.

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Insecurities

Insecurities

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It hasnt been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

I don’t know either. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, failed to get pregnant as quick as I wanted to.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

Or am I insecure because my hair is actually that rank?

Ups And Downs

Ups And Downs

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It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. If you’ve read my last post, that won’t exactly come as a surprise. I probably post a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the ups and downs of  TTC. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.

I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hells Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.

We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?

I had the whole self doubt thing happen again. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine being a mum.

I started googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Very moderately i’d say –  probably around 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference,  maybe it won’t. I mean, you do hear about a lot of people getting knocked up when they were shit faced on vodka. (Just look at Katherine Heigl eh?)

Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.

 

 

Am I ok now?

Am I ok now?

I haven’t blogged in a while.. well a while for me. It’s been nearly 2 weeks I think..  I tend to blog more when I’m upset or frustrated or just looking for someone to hear me vent (it’s a bad habit, I really need to start blogging more on good days too otherwise I’ll just come off as a grumpy, sad, angry woman!)

If I haven’t blogged then it must be a good sign tho? I’ve been feeling pretty good recently. I still have people asking if I’ve managed to get pregnant yet, I still seem to be surrounded by pregnant women,
I still want to be pregnant but I’m ok with it all. I really am.

(And this is coming from a woman who’s slap bang in the middle of her TWW)

Repost – 12 weeks

Repost – 12 weeks

I still have such vivid memories of the day that it terrifies me. Sometimes it’s all my mind will allow me to think about. The thoughts crop up every so often, and they’re almost always without warning. I could be watching the television, reading a book or even relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath then suddenly there it is – right at the forefront of my mind. It can feel like I’m watching a film, only I can’t stop it, can’t pause it and can never ever find the eject button. 

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Pandoras Box

Pandoras Box

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There’s a box in my living room that I’ve filled with our wedding mementos. It’s actually an old suitcase that we found at a vintage market and used it at the wedding as a place for guests to put their cards in, but It fits in perfectly with the decor in our living room. We have have vintage kind of thing going on.

Now it serves as a holder for said cards, the guestbook, my garter, a copy of the invitations, our vows, my hairband/tiara thing and some other little memories.

As a wedding gift, I bought my husband a pocket watch he’d been eyeing up in the kilt shop and had it engraved for him. I also got a little notepad as a private gift between us that contains; well, notes basically.

Notes like ’10 reasons why I love you’, Where I see us in 10 years’, ‘My favourite memory together’ and other equally as cute and romantic notes.

This tiny little 4″ x 4″ notepad is the sole reason why I don’t look in the wedding box anymore. Until today.

I had to put something inside it today and me being me, just couldn’t stop myself from looking at the notepad. ‘Forever Young’ by Audra Mae was playing in the background (I always have music playing while I tidy, and it was stupidly on shuffle today so it never skipped by the emotional ones) and I started to cry. I tried in vain to stop – I had just applied my make up for work so I mean I really tried to stop

There was notes about how my husband was such a good father and he was going to be a brilliant one again to our little one. How we had everything we ever wanted, and life was pretty much perfect. We used to call the baby lentil (because he/she is the size of a lentil at a certain point of pregnancy – I’ve seen a few other people do this), so there was a mention of how I love that he would do anything for me, Kian and lentil.  Just seeing that word broke my heart. Lentil. We never named our baby as the loss was at 12 weeks, but it’s almost like Lentil became it’s name so seeing it written down, it just made everything so real again.

Next week will be 1 year since we lost the little one and although I am in a much better place now, I can’t ever see myself being completely okay. I’ll always have the ‘should’ve been’ dates in my mind and I’ll always wonder why it had to happen.

Recurrent miscarriage clinic….

Recurrent miscarriage clinic….

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I have an appointment tomorrow with the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I officially suffer from “recurrent miscarriages”. I’ve just turned 29.. I hate that this is an issue for me. I find it so hard to stay positive sometimes. All my family and friends say “it’ll happen eventually. .when the time is right”

I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, but I end up just nodding while seething on the inside; frustrated at their total lack of understanding.

A lot of women whose blogs I follow are now pregnant and admittedly I sometimes struggle reading the posts which makes me totally hate myself. (Btw if ur one of these women, please don’t take offence.. I am genuinely so happy for you and 99% of the time ur posts keep me going!)

People that know what I’m going through seem to feel the need to come and tell me about their neighbour/sister/daughter/cousin/niece who’s trying for her 7th baby or just announced she’s pregnant after she forgot to take her pill that one day. Eugh. Wtf is that?!

Anyway.. I’ll see what happens tomorrow. See what tests they’ll do, and what insensitive medical jargon they’ll say. I might even count how many times they tell me that i shouldnt worry.. “you’re  still young!”

Positive Test..Negative mood..

Positive Test..Negative mood..

I went to my GP to ask about the bleeding/passing some tissue thing and told her I thought it might have been a miscarriage as Ive been actively trying and I’ve already had 2 previous ones (7 weeks and 12 weeks)

She looked at “the specimen” I brought with me – it’s awful callling it that, but I didn’t actually know what it was (still don’t). She didn’t look me over,  take a blood test,  take a pregnancy test,  nothing!! Basically said it was prob a miscarriage and she would refer me to a specialist and they would do tests to see if there was a reason why I keep having MCs. I explained I’ve already had these tests and nothing showed up. She went ahead and referred me anyway and sent me on my merry way.

When I got home, I took a pregnancy test as at that point nothing had actually been confirmed. It came up positive. Ok.. so it was a miscarriage. Now I finally had my answer.

Its Sunday now and I have less answers and more questions. I took another test tonight around 5pm and it was a much clearer positive. My boobs are agony and they were fine a few days ago. I still have some spotting but the blood has never been massively heavy. Its never soaked through or anything. It was so different to my other miscarriages. Yes there was some cramping,  but it wasn’t excruciating pain like it was last time. I could barely stand with the pain, and my tummy was sore to the touch.

So what now? Was it a miscarriage? Was it a chemical pregnancy? Maybe I still have something more to pass? Am I still pregnant? Why hasn’t my doctor scanned me or sent me to hospital?? I feel like I was just shooed out of her office with more questions than answers. I have no idea what to think or do now. My husband doesn’t want me to get my hopes up and think that I’m still pregnant which I totally get.. but it’s the not knowing that’s worse. I can’t really be sure of what’s happened and that’s killing me.

Checking in…..

Checking in…..

I havent wrote in a while and I really don’t know why. I usually feel more compelled to write here when I’m
upset which I need to try get out the habit of.

I’ve been busy with work and getting organised for Xmas so writing prob hasn’t been a priority.

Im coming to the end of my TWW .. im actually due either tomorrow or Friday (I’m usually day 30 or day 31) and I’ve been trying not to think about it too much. I don’t feel pregnant, but then I didnt really feel pregant any other time either. I’ve been using the app Clue which i strongly recommend to people that are TTC. According to that my PMS should well have kicked in by now and I’m surprisingly calm and laidback – normally I’m a crazy bitch. I can totally admit that. Seriously, my poor husband. Anyway, is that a good sign? Is it even a sign or am I clutching?

I just can’t shake the feeling that somethings wrong and it’s not going to happen for me.

All I hear is that I shouldn’t worry cos I’ve got pregnant before,  but how does that help? Yea ive been pregnant twice but both those pregnancies ended in miscarriage so obviously something isn’t right. It’s been 8months since my miscarriage. Time keeps moving, and the more it does the less I believe this journey will end the way I want it to.

Due Date

Due Date

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27th August 2015 was my babys due date. I was dreading the date. We both were. I kept thinking.. assuming even.. that we would be pregnant by then.

If I was pregnant then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Of course it would still be painful, but a new baby would maybe ease a bit of that. Everyone always says you’re super fertile after a miscarriage, and coupled with the fact that I got pregnant almost immediately last time, I was almost certain that by my due date – I’d at least be 1 or 2 months pregnant.

But if you’ve read my last post you’ll know it never happened. The due date was horrible. Waking up and knowing that you should have a baby by now. You should be holding it in your arms, or taking it home, or even screaming in agony trying to get it out. I would much rather face that agony 1000 times than have to suffer the agony I felt of not having my baby.

Its now been 7 months of trying and every month I think I could be pregnant. I get the swollen boobs, the sensitive nipples. I get a little nausea, heartburn, tiredness. Every possible symptom of pregnancy I seem to experience right before my period. Mother nature is incredibly cruel sometimes. It makes it all that harder when Aunt Flo comes. God, one month I was even 14 days late. 14 DAYS!

Maybe I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself, maybe the stress of waiting for the due date was too much. My husband keeps telling me that’s the reason, but I’m also terrified that it will never happen again. I’m terrified that the miscarriage has done something to my body and I won’t fall pregnant again. I know thats probably silly, that there’s still plenty of time but I just can’t shift that horrible feeling.

I’m trying to stay positive for our future. The worst parts are over now and we’ve came through it. We deserve to be happy and I owe it to myself and my husband to start focusing on the good things in life, being happy for what we do have rather than always thinking about the one thing we don’t. All I can do from this moment on is keep my fingers crossed and hope. Hope that one day we’ll get our wish.

And in the meantime, we’re gonna have a whole lot of fun trying!