Due Date

27th August 2015 was my baby’s due date. I was dreading the date. We both were. I kept thinking.. assuming even.. that we would be pregnant by then. 

If I was pregnant then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Of course it would still be painful, but a new baby would maybe ease a bit of that. Everyone always says you’re super fertile after a miscarriage, and coupled with the fact that I got pregnant almost immediately last time, I was almost certain that by my due date – I’d at least be 1 or 2 months pregnant. 

But that never happened. The due date was horrible. Waking up and knowing that you should have a baby by now. You should be holding it in your arms, or taking it home, or even screaming in agony trying to push the bloody thing out. I would much rather face that agony 1000 times over than have to suffer the agony I felt of not having my baby. 

It’s now been 7 months of trying and every month I think I could be pregnant. I get the swollen boobs, the sensitive nipples. I get a little nausea, heartburn, tiredness. I get all the symptoms. Then I get my period. 

One month I was even 14 days late. 14 DAYS! How the fuck could even a sane person not assume they were pregnant after being 14 days late? 

Maybe I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself, maybe the stress of waiting for the due date was too much. My husband keeps telling me that’s the reason, but I’m also terrified that it will never happen again. I’m terrified that the miscarriage has done something to my body and I won’t fall pregnant again. I know that’s probably silly, that there’s still plenty of time but I just can’t shift that horrible feeling. 

I’m trying to stay positive for our future. The worst parts are over now and we’ve came through it. We deserve to be happy and I owe it to myself and my husband to start focusing on the good things in life, being happy for what we do have rather than always thinking about the one thing we don’t. All I can do from this moment on is keep my fingers crossed and hope. Hope that one day we’ll get our wish. 

12 weeks

I still have such vivid memories of the day that it terrifies me. Sometimes it’s all my mind will allow me to think about. The thoughts crop up every so often, and they’re almost always without warning. I could be watching the television, reading a book or even relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath then suddenly there it is – right at the forefront of my mind. It can feel like I’m watching a film, only I can’t stop it, can’t pause it and can never ever find the eject button.

My loss

So, i’m about to upload the short story I wrote about my experience of suffering a miscarriage. It’s about 12 pages long – which is a lot I know – but I’d love you to take the time and read it.

I wrote it as a form of therapy for myself. I always seem to feel better whenever I write.

However after contacting the miscarriage association – http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk (amazing site, well worth a visit if you have any questions) – i was encouraged to start a blog. Maybe as a way of helping others going through similar things, or even those who just know someone that has went through it and would like an insight into how their feeling.

Whatever the reasons, I hope people get something from it.

And stay with me… I have faith my journey will turn more positive soon.