Quote-a-day 3

Quote-a-day 3

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really don’t have an excuse this time. But here it is, my third and final quote (honestly, these challenges just weren’t made for me).

I was torn with this one. I really wanted to do an Atticus or Scout Finch quote –  To Kill a Mockingbird is my favourite book so I thought it would be a nice tribute, but then I seen this Charles Dickens quote and felt it meant more.

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears” 

I cry a lot. Not as much anymore as I used to, but still – it’s not exactly rare. I cry just before my period, I cry when I’m on my period, I cry when I see animal charity adverts, I cry when I watch films. Speaking of that; I watched ‘Gifted’ the other night (Chris Evans stars in it, and I urge you to watch it if you haven’t yet) and was in floods of tears. The neck of my t-shirt was soaking wet and covered in mascara.

I also cried a lot when I was going through my losses and cried again during my struggle to conceive. I cried thinking I was a failure. I cried when I thought about not being able to be a mum. But I’ve never been ashamed of my tears. I cried because I needed it. It was how I coped. Some people think tears are a sign of weakness but I disagree. I’m not a weak person because I cry.  If anything, it makes me stronger. I don’t hide my emotions – I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I hurt, and I’m not always okay. I believe showing your emotions takes an incredible amount of strength.

Don’t ever be ashamed of something that helps you cope… Of something that’s part of you.

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Mug Swap

Mug Swap

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I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!

For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!

I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)

Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!

If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

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I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement. 

In my defense, I never blocked her so you know – progress. 

We used to work together and it’s not that I’m unhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. I don’t want to see the scans, the bumps, the pram, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet. 

I felt kind of down for a few minutes – Ok 10 maybe – and then do you know what? 

I was okay.  

Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it? 

It’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better. 

I know I’ve earned the right to be a little selfish sometimes. Fuck it. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Do what you want to do. 

 

28..01.2018 

Over the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some. My top 5:  

  1. I hate being around children 
  1. I hate pregnant people 
  1. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy 
  1. There must be something wrong with me – I probably just can’t carry boys. 
  1. I’m not upset anymore. It was ages ago, and it wasn’t even a baby. 

So these things come up a lot. A lot. It’s hard to break the stigma around miscarriage and I know not everyone means to be nasty or hurtful. A lot of people just don’t know what to say, or are too scared to ask so they make their own judgements. But if you’re curious – here’s my answers: 

 

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and more often than not, I find them more fun than adults. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them. 
  1. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you losing your wife or husband or you recently went through a horrendous break up – seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you for a little while – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. After a loss it’s a little difficult. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you. 
  1. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may even ignore your social media pages for a little while but, I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and I’ll deal with it in my own way. And I can be happy for you. 
  1. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Nurses don’t know. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal.  
  1. Ok so just don’t. Don’t ever tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything – just ask me. 

Anyone else deal with something similar? I know I’m not the only one!

 

 

New Year. New Opportunities

New Year. New Opportunities

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I can’t believe it’s that time again. Feels like only yesterday I was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It makes me sound so old but, where does the time go? 

This year was our first Christmas Eve with Kian so we got to wake up and watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. We went all out with Christmas Eve boxes, letters from Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Elf doors, stockings and a mountain of presents but, I figured this could be the last Christmas with just the 3 of us! (Maybe overly wishful thinking but hey, it’s better being positive right?!) 

After Christmas, we took Kian to Poland for a few days, just to get away from the chaos and the craziness and all the family stuff. It’s nice for a while, but then you just want to relax! 

New Years Eve came and Nikki and I went to our local pub for a cheesy, alcohol fuelled, cheese & pickle on a stick filled karaoke night! It was great, and I promise we only drank a LITTLE too much alcohol. I have to be alcohol free during IVF, so I figured why not go out with a bang? (she says as she’s drinking a glass of wine.) 

My next I.VF. appointment is February 7th – I’m not sure what this one will entail though. Nikki still has to make his “donation”, but I hope we’ll be starting around May or June time. Only time will tell. But I feel good. 

Next steps

Next steps

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I’ve officially hit the one year mark. One year since I was last pregnant. I phoned my doctors first thing and asked if he could help. And he did. He was wonderful! (I’ve moved house so I have a new GP and he’s fantastic!) 

He’s going to refer me to the Assisted Conception Unit at the Glasgow Royal Hospital and hopefully they’ll be able to help. He did tell me that there’s still a good chance I’ll conceive naturally so I was advised to keep banging them out in the meantime. (Well Ok he never used that term; he’s a professional for goodness sake but you get the gist.) 

I’ve been thinking of giving myself until I’m about 35. I know that’s not old, but that would be almost 10 years of my life I will have spent trying for a baby and to be honest, that’s enough. For me anyway. It’s a long time to have this cloud hanging over you. Every woman has their own idea of when to stop, and I just feel that this would be right for me. I know that I can’t do this forever – physically or emotionally -and I think coming to terms with that is the right thing to do. 

But no, wait. That sounds negative. And I’m being positive positive positive today. This WILL happen! Things are moving forward. Things are looking up. We’re getting somewhere! 

(I should mention that my husband is really looking forward to the whole sperm in a cup part of the testing. The one time being a man is harder! – no pun intended) 

IVF?

IVF?

So next month will mark a year since I was last pregnant.

I’ll be 31 in November so while I know I’m not particularly old, I know that time is ticking on

Can anyone offer advice? Would I qualify for IVF even though I’ve been pregnant before.. multiple times, but never had a successful one. I don’t want to keep hoping for a miracle for another 3 years. If I need help, I’d want to get it as soon as I can.

So yea.. any IVF women, I’d love to hear from you! (I live in Scotland, so I’m guessing things will be different here than U.S etc but I’d still appreciate any advice!)

Twisted Cyst 

Twisted Cyst 

A few years ago, it was discovered that I had an ovarian cyst. It wasn’t causing me any pain and everyone said that it wasn’t affecting my fertility or causing my miscarriages, so they left it alone. 

Fast forward about a year and after every other test came back negative, the doctors decided to remove it as a precaution. Tick something else off the list. I received an appointment over a year ago but had to cancel as I was pregnant. I called back after my loss to reschedule but heard nothing. 

Apparently they measured it again at my MRI. The cyst had grown, but I never knew. I was never told. I still never got an appointment. 

Around a week ago I had severe pain in my stomach. The level of pain went from about a 3 out of 10 to about a 7.. it was bearable, but it was never gone. 

I somehow managed to pop some painkillers and sleep it off until I woke the next morning doubled over in agony. I rushed to A&E but the pain had subsided by the time I got there, so they took my BP and bloods and sent me home. 

Next day – same thing. The pain came back. It was worse. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t do anything. I was in tears. No-one was home so I called Nikki at work and he told me to call an ambulance and get back to A&E and he would meet me there. I waited in agony on my couch for the ambulance to arrive. 

After the ambulance crew told the doctors that morphine wasn’t even touching my pain, they agreed to scan me. It was discovered my cyst had nearly doubled and had twisted around my fallopian tube causing it to become swollen and of course – causing me to be bloody agony! 

The doctor cooly explained that I would need inmediate surgery and probably need to have my ovary removed. I immediately burst into tears. He tried to reassure me but it was useless. I couldnt think logically or calmy. I was frightened and sore and upset. All I could think was “Why was this happening?! Why me?” 

I woke up after my surgery and was told that a different surgeon performed the operation and he saved my tube and only removed the tiniest part of my ovary. Relief. 

I’m grateful it got dealt with, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this might have been causing my losses. I worry it’s caused lasting damage. I really need to catch a break! 

 

 

Time

Time

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. If I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I don’t always write. I guess I should though; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I seem to talk myself out of it. I’m working on it. 

It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years ‘trying’ is a long time. It’s not only the miscarriages that I struggle with –  it’s the time. The time it takes to fall pregnant, the time it takes for your body to realise it’s not ready for that baby yet, then the time it takes to physically recover, and of course, the time it takes to emotionally recover. 

Just one pregnancy can take up the most of your year and you haven’t even had the chance to give birth yet. It’s a lot to deal with. 

It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s heart breaking, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting… the list goes on and on… 

On my bad days I go through the “What if” stage. What if I never had a miscarriage? What would my life be like now? What if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can give him a baby?  

Is this an official stage of grief? Stage 3 – crazy irrational thoughts. If it’s not, it should be. We need to know its normal to be crazy sometimes.  And of course I know it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational Ok? I worry. I get upset. I get stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Is it? Oh silly me, I didn’t realise. Well I’ll just stop being stressed then shall I? Easy! (While we’re on that subject – I’m pretty certain women in War zones still get pregnant, and Hell – they’re a lot more stressed than I am!) 

I guess in a way the actual losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through, you learn to cope with that side of things. You tell yourself there must have been a reason – you might not always know the reason – but there still is one. You try rationalise it in your head. 

But this. How do you get over always trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing?