I’ll follow you down

I’ll follow you down

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I was walking to work on Sunday afternoon with my earphones in and my first dance song came on. (“I’ll Follow You Down” by Shinedown if anyones wondering). It immediately took me back to the wedding. The 25th January last year. The best day of my life… I also happened to be 10 weeks pregnant.

All I could think about was me walking down the aisle.  A string quartet version of Eric Claptons Wonderful Tonight was playing as I walked. Seeing Nikki at the end of the aisle, just waiting for me to arrive. Only a handful of people knowing I was pregnant.  Being so excited thinking that Kian (my stepson) was going to announce it after our vows. But only a mere few weeks later everything had fell apart.

Although I’m in a far better place now.. even after yet another miscarriage… there’s still a part of me that’s broken.  I hope one day I’ll be able to think back to my wedding and not feel that bit of sadness. It shouldn’t be like that.  My wedding and my honeymoon both sometimes remind me of a shitty time and it’s  so frustrating.. I mean, my wedding was PERFECT. Literally. .. it could not have went any better, yet there’s still a wee bit of negativity surrounding the memories. Don’t get me wrong, I can still have fond memories,  there was still a LOT of beautiful moments but there’s just a bit of a cloud hanging over it.

I want to be able to listen to my songs and smile again.

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Positive Test..Negative mood..

Positive Test..Negative mood..

I went to my GP to ask about the bleeding/passing some tissue thing and told her I thought it might have been a miscarriage as Ive been actively trying and I’ve already had 2 previous ones (7 weeks and 12 weeks)

She looked at “the specimen” I brought with me – it’s awful callling it that, but I didn’t actually know what it was (still don’t). She didn’t look me over,  take a blood test,  take a pregnancy test,  nothing!! Basically said it was prob a miscarriage and she would refer me to a specialist and they would do tests to see if there was a reason why I keep having MCs. I explained I’ve already had these tests and nothing showed up. She went ahead and referred me anyway and sent me on my merry way.

When I got home, I took a pregnancy test as at that point nothing had actually been confirmed. It came up positive. Ok.. so it was a miscarriage. Now I finally had my answer.

Its Sunday now and I have less answers and more questions. I took another test tonight around 5pm and it was a much clearer positive. My boobs are agony and they were fine a few days ago. I still have some spotting but the blood has never been massively heavy. Its never soaked through or anything. It was so different to my other miscarriages. Yes there was some cramping,  but it wasn’t excruciating pain like it was last time. I could barely stand with the pain, and my tummy was sore to the touch.

So what now? Was it a miscarriage? Was it a chemical pregnancy? Maybe I still have something more to pass? Am I still pregnant? Why hasn’t my doctor scanned me or sent me to hospital?? I feel like I was just shooed out of her office with more questions than answers. I have no idea what to think or do now. My husband doesn’t want me to get my hopes up and think that I’m still pregnant which I totally get.. but it’s the not knowing that’s worse. I can’t really be sure of what’s happened and that’s killing me.

It’s happening again

It’s happening again

I thought my period came the other day.. 5 days late. . But now I’m not so sure.
Last night at work I felt something kind of just sitting in my underwear. When I went to the toilet I’d obviously passed something. Something that looked like tissue, fetus,  I dunno… just not a period. I had cramps that disappeared almost immediately – same as last time..I took whatever it was that I passed and placed it in a sample jar. I need to know.

I have an appointment at 1.40 and I’ll find out for sure then. It’ll be my 3rd miscarriage if it is.. . One at home, one on honeymoon in Cuba and one at work 2 days before my birthday.

I feel so lost today. I hate waiting.

Nope. Not pregnant.

Nope. Not pregnant.

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My period arrived this afternoon.. 5 days late. Stupidly got my hopes up and now I feel like shit. I swear I’m never taking another pregnancy test until I’m at least 3months late!!! It’s my birthday on Saturday and I kind of hoped my false hope might last til then, which I know is probably worse.

Its coming up to a year since I last fell pregnant and I feel so frustrated with myself and my body. I didnt even try last time.

I feel like crying. Stupid hormones

Late..Again

Late..Again

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It was my neices 1st birthday party on Sunday and I can honestly say I was really looking forward to it all week. She’s at the age now where she can really show an array of different emotions and she gets super excited when she sees something she likes. She does this thing with her hands, like shaking them with excitement and its insanely cute. We’d got her some cute gifts so I couldn’t wait to see her wee face.

On the Saturday before I did a 10hour shift in the care home I work at. Id got home at half 10 at night then up again at 6am for another full shift. Straight from work I’d arrived at the party and I was bloody exhausted. Physically and mentally. My work can be so draining at times.

The house was filled with people –  kids, adults, babies… it just seemed so busy, so confined. After the present giving (which btw, was as good as I’d hoped/imagined) I kind of just wanted to go. I just wanted to be home. I had this huge feeling of sadness come over me. This was a huge milestone in my neices life and I was never going to experience that with my baby. They would never have a first birthday. Or a first Xmas. First day at school. They would have nothing. They arent even here anymore. Do you ever really shake that feeling??

I should probably explain why I was slightly more emotional than normal just to put it into prospective. I was due on Friday and when my period never came I stupidly tested. It came back negative which I knew would happen to be honest. I think I was around a week late last time before I got a positive

Its now day 35 of my usual 30,31 day cycle. I had a tiny bit of light pink when I wiped last night (apologise if that’s tmi) but nothing since. No period signs and no pregnancy signs. I cant help but hoping im pregnant but at the same time not wanting to hope in case my period turns up.  A few months back I was 14 days late and my doctor blamed stress. Maybe its that again?? I hate the not knowing. If it’s going to come I’d rather it just turned up now. Everyone that’s TTC knows how agonising that two week wait is. . But this is even worse. When will I be able to stop hoping??

Checking in…..

Checking in…..

I havent wrote in a while and I really don’t know why. I usually feel more compelled to write here when I’m
upset which I need to try get out the habit of.

I’ve been busy with work and getting organised for Xmas so writing prob hasn’t been a priority.

Im coming to the end of my TWW .. im actually due either tomorrow or Friday (I’m usually day 30 or day 31) and I’ve been trying not to think about it too much. I don’t feel pregnant, but then I didnt really feel pregant any other time either. I’ve been using the app Clue which i strongly recommend to people that are TTC. According to that my PMS should well have kicked in by now and I’m surprisingly calm and laidback – normally I’m a crazy bitch. I can totally admit that. Seriously, my poor husband. Anyway, is that a good sign? Is it even a sign or am I clutching?

I just can’t shake the feeling that somethings wrong and it’s not going to happen for me.

All I hear is that I shouldn’t worry cos I’ve got pregnant before,  but how does that help? Yea ive been pregnant twice but both those pregnancies ended in miscarriage so obviously something isn’t right. It’s been 8months since my miscarriage. Time keeps moving, and the more it does the less I believe this journey will end the way I want it to.