Twisted Cyst 

Twisted Cyst 

So I’m pretty angry. Fuming actually. I had an ovarian cyst discovered about two and a half years ago, and at the time it was decided that it wasn’t affecting my fertility or causing my miscarriages. 

Fast forward about a year and after various other tests they decided that they would remove it as a precaution. I received an appointment over a year ago but had to cancel as I was pregnant. Obviously that ended in a loss so I called back to reschedule and heard nothing.

At my MRI 4 months ago it was measured again. It had grown to 5x5x6cm. I never knew this. I was never told it had grew. I still never got an appointment.

Around 2 weeks ago I had excruciating abdominal pain but didn’t bother going to A&E as I thought it was severe constipation (I felt it would be a bit silly) I took painkillers, fell asleep and the pain went away.

Last weekend the pain came back and went from about a 3 out of 10 to about a 6.. it was bearable and again I didn’t think much of it. Tuesday morning I was in agony. Pain I’ve never experienced before…honestly it was horrendous. My husband took me to A&E as he was worried it was appendicitis. The pain had subsided by the time I got there, So they took BP and bloods and sent me home.

Wednesday morning, the pain came back. It was even worse. I couldn’t move, couldn’t get dressed, couldn’t do anything. I was in tears. No-one was home so I called Nikki and he told me to call an ambulance and get back to A&E

So.. I arrived at A&E, was given morphine and it done NOTHING for my pain so without prolonging it anymore, they referred me to gyno and gave me an ultrasound (they were aware of my cyst all along as it’s in my notes) and discovered my cyst had grown to at least 8cm, was a dermoid cyst and had twisted around my fallopian tube causing that to become swollen and was now preventing me going to the bathroom and was very obviously causing the pain

The doctor explained that I would probably need to have my ovary removed. I burst into tears. He tried to reassure me but I felt so sore, exhausted, frustrated and upset. Why was this happening?!

The surgery happened on Thursday afternoon and thankfully only a small part of my ovary was removed meaning it should work normally. The surgeon agreed it definitely wasn’t helping matters when it came to TTC or my miscarriages. I feel as if I was lied to for so long and basically forgotten about. It should’ve been removed long before now.

I’m so relieved it’s out and the pain is gone now. I obviously have post surgery pain but it’s nothing like I felt before. I just feel so angry now.

**disclaimer- the nurses in the gyno ward were fantastic by the way! I had the absolute best care and this is is no way directed at them**

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Bloggers block

Bloggers block

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’m almost certain I’ve started a post with yhat sentence before. Sometimes if there’s not much to report, or I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I won’t blog. I should; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I talk myself out of it. I’m working on it.

It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years TTC is a long time believe me. It’s not just the miscarriages that takes it toll.. it’s the time. I know that sounds ridiculous, but let me explain it better.

Say it takes me 9 or 10 months to fall pregnant. I miscarry around 6 weeks. I then allow my body to heal physically and have at least 1 normal cycle and then I start the TTC process again. That’s adding up to years. I’m not falling pregnant every 2-3months…its taking a long time, and then when I do.. I lose it. It’s frustrating, draining, heart breaking, stressful, exhausting, annoying… the list goes on.

I then go through the “what if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can just pop em out”. Of course it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational. I worry. I get upset and stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Ok great so now I’m even MORE stressed.

The losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through… but this.. how do you get over trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing?

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have started a miscarriage blog and have 100 people reading it. I had no idea I would have to undertake tests, book acupuncture appointments and spend months researching tips on having a full term pregnancy.

I sometimes try imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a beautiful house, with 2 kids – (stepson and one biological one), financially secure and happy, and then I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future is going to bring – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.

So, as I sit in a hotel room waiting to visit Poland for my 30th birthday, all I can do is forget about my past; stop picturing my future and just enjoy my present.

Miscarriage & Media

Miscarriage & Media

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)

(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)

Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!

I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together… but.. and here’s one for all of us…

How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah..I can. And I will!

Only downside? I thought of this answer on the train journey home!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you sympathise or do you pity?

Do you sympathise or do you pity?

I hate being pitied. People that tilt their head and lower their eyes if I ask them about their pregnancy. Like they’re afraid to show any kind of excitement incase I throw something at their glowing face.

I despise the “hang in there” and “it’ll happen eventually” comments. One colleague even jokingly said she was going to start a GoFund Me Page for my crushing infertility. (At least I hope she was fucking joking)

When I corrected her and told her I wasn’t actually struggling with infertility she was baffled and questioned “so what’s wrong with you”?.. We’ll luckily for you it’s not my inability to control my temper or reward stupidity with a swift kick to the shin.

Listen, I totally appreciate people that sympathise or empathise with me. People that have genuine questions about miscarriages or the affects they’ve had on me. If you’re one of them then I have all the time in the world, but please do not bloody pity me. Please don’t think I am any less of a woman for not having a child. Please don’t think that I am so obsessed with getting pregnant that it’s the only thing I want to talk to you about. I’m a woman for fucks sake, compliment my hair or something.  

Impatience

Impatience

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I was out buying some stationery yesterday (does anyone else love buying new pens and pads BTW?) and I may have made a beeline for the pregnancy tests…. I may have bought one three, and I may have taken one two.

In the whole 3 times I’ve been pregnant, I have NEVER had a positive until at least around 4 days late. I’m not even

officially late until tomorrow!

It of course was negative – both times. I also never told my husband because he specifically said to me just two days ago “even if you don’t get your period by Tues, DONT test until the weekend”.

The worst part of it all is I still have one left that’s burning a hole in my pocket and I CAN’T PROMISE I WONT USE IT TODAY (In like 30 seconds)

No Tea for Me.

No Tea for Me.

I’ve been absent from WordPress again the past few weeks. I’m the worst blogger, I really am.

I’ve been so busy with working full time and getting my online business up and running. It’s been going great but it’s hard keeping up with orders and work and trying for a baby. It’s bloody exhausting!

I took on board everyone’s advice last post and purchased raspberry leaf tea capsules. I had to do the capsule thing; I’m really not a huge tea drinker. Believe it or not, not everyone in the UK loves a cuppa!

I also tried the “conceive plus” fertility gel, but I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan. It wasn’t particularly messy or icky like I feared.. it just kind of made it.. I dunno, different. We ended up just using it after I *cough* finished *cough* which worked out best for us. Maybe I’m just not a lube-y kinda girl.

Anyone experience side effects from the supplements? Just curious.

I’m now on day 30, of a normal 32 day cycle. (Last month was 33) and feeling pretty normal. I’ve been crazy gassy (TMI) much to my husband’s delight and I’ve been a little emotional – but my dog did just pass away so….

Anyway. I’ll update with any phantom symptoms/late periods/eventual menstruation 🙂

Animal Mineral Vegetable (and some lube)

Animal Mineral Vegetable (and some lube)

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I’ve made a lot of changes to my diet the past few months.

I rarely eat red meat, possibly once or twice a month.

Switched from minced beef to quorn (far nicer by the way)

I’ll have a few glasses of wine when I’m on my period but no other alcohol the rest of the month

I’ve cut down massively on dairy and sugar.

I take vitamin c, vitamin d, calcium and folic acid.

This month I’m trying more. I’ve ordered a fertility lube. Now I’ve NEVER used lube… maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s as common place here in the UK as it is in America. I bought “conceive” plus. Has anyone used it and can share some stories? Has it helped? Is it icky?

A friend of mine also recommended cassava root. Has anyone had experience with this? I’ve read people who want twins take it… now don’t get me wrong, I’d LOVE a child but the idea of twins terrifies me!!

Anyone got other recommendations or things they take or things they do differently now? I’d be interested to hear them.