Update

Update

Thank you so much to everyone that’s taking part in the Mug Swap – I’ve sent out all the emails today and am just waiting on a few replies – so hopefully everyone will have a new mug/new follower/new friend on the way soon! Please do share the pictures somewhere so we can all have a look once you get your mug!

On another note – I left you all hanging on tender hooks so I apologise, but my period came a few days ago – I was around 4 days late. Again, I felt okay. Slightly annoyed that it took 34 days to bloody get here, but I wasn’t too upset. I never cried or felt like a failure, which for a long time was a bit of a recurring thought of mine.

All in all, I’m still feeling pretty good. I’m coming to the end of my college term and I only have something like 14 days left of placement. I’m feeling mixed emotions about that – I’ll be glad to have my summer break, and to finally move on to the final part of the course in August but I’ve grown close to a lot of the children and I’m really going to miss seeing them. And the staff too – they’ve been great and really supportive throughout the past 8 months. But I guess that’s part and parcel of this course – It’s only placement – I can’t stay there forever.

Hubby’s moving on to a new job too – better pay and much closer to home (as in, walking distance) so we’ll save a bunch on travel costs plus he gets his own special added bonus of a lie in – I told him he’ll need to savour that because if we get our wish he can kiss goodbye to them for the foreseeable future!

We’ve just booked to go to Rhodes in July (I’m sure that’s almost suicide for a ginger!), and part of me is thinking “Ahhh forget about the bikini body – I could be pregnant!!”, while the other part is trying to limit my chocolate intake to – hmmm I don’t know – 4 bars a week.

Does anyone else have Summer plans?

 

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Mug Swap

Mug Swap

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I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!

For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!

I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)

Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!

If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com

New Year. New Opportunities

New Year. New Opportunities

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I can’t believe it’s that time again. Feels like only yesterday I was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It makes me sound so old but, where does the time go? 

This year was our first Christmas Eve with Kian so we got to wake up and watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. We went all out with Christmas Eve boxes, letters from Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Elf doors, stockings and a mountain of presents but, I figured this could be the last Christmas with just the 3 of us! (Maybe overly wishful thinking but hey, it’s better being positive right?!) 

After Christmas, we took Kian to Poland for a few days, just to get away from the chaos and the craziness and all the family stuff. It’s nice for a while, but then you just want to relax! 

New Years Eve came and Nikki and I went to our local pub for a cheesy, alcohol fuelled, cheese & pickle on a stick filled karaoke night! It was great, and I promise we only drank a LITTLE too much alcohol. I have to be alcohol free during IVF, so I figured why not go out with a bang? (she says as she’s drinking a glass of wine.) 

My next I.VF. appointment is February 7th – I’m not sure what this one will entail though. Nikki still has to make his “donation”, but I hope we’ll be starting around May or June time. Only time will tell. But I feel good. 

Time

Time

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. If I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I don’t always write. I guess I should though; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I seem to talk myself out of it. I’m working on it. 

It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years ‘trying’ is a long time. It’s not only the miscarriages that I struggle with –  it’s the time. The time it takes to fall pregnant, the time it takes for your body to realise it’s not ready for that baby yet, then the time it takes to physically recover, and of course, the time it takes to emotionally recover. 

Just one pregnancy can take up the most of your year and you haven’t even had the chance to give birth yet. It’s a lot to deal with. 

It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s heart breaking, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting… the list goes on and on… 

On my bad days I go through the “What if” stage. What if I never had a miscarriage? What would my life be like now? What if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can give him a baby?  

Is this an official stage of grief? Stage 3 – crazy irrational thoughts. If it’s not, it should be. We need to know its normal to be crazy sometimes.  And of course I know it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational Ok? I worry. I get upset. I get stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Is it? Oh silly me, I didn’t realise. Well I’ll just stop being stressed then shall I? Easy! (While we’re on that subject – I’m pretty certain women in War zones still get pregnant, and Hell – they’re a lot more stressed than I am!) 

I guess in a way the actual losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through, you learn to cope with that side of things. You tell yourself there must have been a reason – you might not always know the reason – but there still is one. You try rationalise it in your head. 

But this. How do you get over always trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing? 

Miscarriage & Media

Miscarriage & Media

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)

(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)

Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!

I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together.

Later on I thought some more about it.

I  sat on the train home and thought about the past few years, and thought about the people on here that I’ve spoke to and read about, and do you know what I realised? How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah you know what? I bloody can. And I bloody will!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again

Again

We found out I was pregnant on the 7th October.

Hubby and I sat staring at each other. Were we really pregnant? Could we celebrate? Could we get excited? Could we even be happy?

I’d say I was 60/40. 60% happy, 40% terrified. Considering our losses, I’m pretty impressed with that ratio.

As the weeks passed I over analysed every symptom. Were my boobs still sore? (hubbys squeeze test never failed!) Was that a cramp? Is that a pregnancy spot? Am I pooping a normal amount? (Yup it genuinely got to that stage)

Last Friday, as I was heading off to meet hubby from work I felt…. something... in my underwear. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew it wasn’t right. I rushed to the nearest toilet and there it was… blood.

It was brown, which I know is old blood and old blood isn’t necessarily bad blood blablabla, but whatever. Blood’s blood! I phoned Nikki at worked and we rushed to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPAU) where the nurses told me they couldn’t do anything and I should just go home to “wait”.

“Excuse me? How very fucking dare you?!” (Is what I wished I said, instead of just silently and politely leaving.)  We decided not to listen to them and we trotted on over to A&E to see if they could do something. They took my blood and 5 hours later we left knowing that my HCG levels were 95 and I was either very early in my pregnancy, or I was miscarrying. So basically none the fucking wiser.

The weekend passed and as Sunday night arrived, so did the red blood. Now that’s not fucking old blood. The little hope I was clinging on to was now disappearing. It was happening again.

We returned to EPAU the following morning and I was given a transvaginal scan (eugh) and had more bloods taken. The nurse told me my original levels were too low and I was to prepare myself for the worst.

I go straight home, hubby brings in cookie dough ice cream (my second tub since Friday by the way) and we lay in bed watching T.V and crying.

I passed what looked like tissue on Tuesday night and again on Wednesday morning. I felt kind of numb. I don’t understand why this is happening. I was pregnant for fucks sake. Stop taking this away from me. I don’t deserve it.

Apologies

Apologies

I haven’t wrote in SO long. I don’t even really have much of an excuse. I was on holiday in Spain which excuses me for 9 days, but outside that.. Nope.Nothing.

It’s coming up to two years of trying for a baby (I came off contraception in October 2014) and to be honest I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of symptom tracking and taking supplements and peeing on sticks. I’ve had enough of feeling disappointed and feeling like a failure every month. I’ve had enough of trying for a baby and never getting to have one.

Impatience

Impatience

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I was stationery shopping yesterday (does anyone else love buying new pens and pads by the way?) and I may have made a beeline for the pregnancy tests. I also may have bought one three, and I may have already taken one two. 

In the whole 3 times I’ve been pregnant, I have NEVER had a positive until I was at least around 4 days late. Not even a hint of a line has shown up early – even with the sensitive tests – so I have no idea why I tested. (Well I do, it’s because TTC turns me into a crazy person!) 

It of course was negative – both times. I also never told my husband because he specifically said to me just two days ago “even if you don’t get your period by Tues, DON’T test until the weekend, you’ll end up disappointed”. Man I hate when he’s right. 

The worst part of it is I still have one left that’s burning a hole in my pocket and I CAN’T PROMISE I WONT USE IT TODAY! 

Insecurities

Insecurities

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Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016

It hasn’t been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….

Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.

Monday

Monday

It’s been a strange week. 

On Friday I took my mum for afternoon tea at Loch Lomond, played crazy golf with Kian and Nikki on the Saturday and had dinner plans on Sunday.  

It was a good weekend. I had lie-ins, I ate chocolate, drank wine and laughed a lot (my husband was responsible for most of that).  

But there’s still this small niggly feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. I’m still gutted I’m not pregnant. It’s still on my mind. I can’t help it. 

Ovulation week is next week (whoa when did that creep up?) Every month, I cant wait for my fertile week to come. It’s a chance to try again. But then I feel anxious because, well – I NEED TO TRY AGAIN! 

I think we’ll stick with the testing for a while longer. I kind of liked the validation of knowing for sure when I was ovulating. Or maybe I just liked seeing a positive.