It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’m almost certain I’ve started a post with yhat sentence before. Sometimes if there’s not much to report, or I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I won’t blog. I should; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I talk myself out of it. I’m working on it.
It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years TTC is a long time believe me. It’s not just the miscarriages that takes it toll.. it’s the time. I know that sounds ridiculous, but let me explain it better.
Say it takes me 9 or 10 months to fall pregnant. I miscarry around 6 weeks. I then allow my body to heal physically and have at least 1 normal cycle and then I start the TTC process again. That’s adding up to years. I’m not falling pregnant every 2-3months…its taking a long time, and then when I do.. I lose it. It’s frustrating, draining, heart breaking, stressful, exhausting, annoying… the list goes on.
I then go through the “what if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can just pop em out”. Of course it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational. I worry. I get upset and stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Ok great so now I’m even MORE stressed.
The losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through… but this.. how do you get over trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing?
I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)
(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)
Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!
I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together… but.. and here’s one for all of us…
How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah..I can. And I will!
Only downside? I thought of this answer on the train journey home!
We found out I was pregnant again on the 7th October.
Hubby and I just stared at each other. Were we really pregnant? Could we celebrate? Could we even be happy?
I’d say I was 60/40. 60% happy, 40% shitting myself. Considering our losses, I’m pretty chuffed with that ratio.
A few weeks passed and I over analysed every symptom.. or lack of. Were my boobs still sore? (hubbys squeeze test never failed!) Was that a cramp? Am I pooping a normal amount? (Yup it genuinely got to that stage)
Last Friday I was walking to meet Nikki after work and i felt…. something… in my underwear. I just knew it wasn’t right. I went to a toilet and there it was… blood.
It was brown, which I know is old blood blablabla, but that never helped! I rushed to EPAU who told me they could do nothing and to go home. “WHAT? How very fucking dare you?!” I genuinely couldn’t believe what they were telling me. We decided to trot on over to A&E and see what they could do. 5 hours later we left knowing that my HCG was 95 and I was either very early or miscarrying. So basically none the fucking wiser.
Saturday morning, Nikki calls EPAU again. The woman was an absolute saint. Agreed to see me on the Monday morning.
Sunday night comes, and so does the red blood. The little hope i had left was gone. I was in floods of tears yet again.
At EPAU the next morning, I was given a transvaginal scan (eugh) and bloods taken again. The nurse told me that my original levels were too low and to expect the worst.
So I go home, hubby brings in cookie dough ice cream (my second tub since Friday btw) and we lay in bed watching tv and crying. My phone rings and its the nurse. My levels have risen to 148. What. The. Fuck? Now she was telling me it was either VERY early, or it could be ectopic. She wanted me back in on Wed for more bloods. Back in limbo yet again. It’s been the worst part of it all. We’ve dealt with losses before, and theyre horrendous but we know how to get through them. The constant glimmers of hope are whats worse.
I passed what looked like tissue on Tuesday night and Wed morning. Ive had absolutely zero pain throughout everything (apart from just after the scan, but that was prob cos she was poking around in there). But my miscarriage.. if thats what it was.. was totally painless.
I’ve had my appointment today and now I’m waiting for my blood results. I guess I’m hoping for them to be lower, so we’ll have an answer. If she tells me they’ve risen again I don’t know what the hell I’ll do. I just want it to be over now.
I haven’t wrote in SO long. I don’t even really have much of an excuse. I was on holiday in Spain which excuses me for 9 days, but outside that.. Nope.Nothing.
It’s coming up to two years of trying for a baby (I came off contraception in October 2014) and to be honest I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of symptom tracking and taking supplements and peeing on sticks. I’ve had enough of feeling disappointed and feeling like a failure every month. I’ve had enough of trying for a baby and never getting to have one.
I was out buying some stationery yesterday (does anyone else love buying new pens and pads BTW?) and I may have made a beeline for the pregnancy tests…. I may have bought
one three, and I may have taken one two.
In the whole 3 times I’ve been pregnant, I have NEVER had a positive until at least around 4 days late. I’m not even
officially late until tomorrow!
It of course was negative – both times. I also never told my husband because he specifically said to me just two days ago “even if you don’t get your period by Tues, DONT test until the weekend”.
The worst part of it all is I still have one left that’s burning a hole in my pocket and I CAN’T PROMISE I WONT USE IT TODAY (In like 30 seconds)
It hasnt been a good week.
I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.
After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.
Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.
I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.
I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.
Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.
My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.
I don’t know either. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, failed to get pregnant as quick as I wanted to.
Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on instagram?
Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?
Or am I insecure because my hair is actually that rank?
It’s been a strange week for me.
On Friday I took my mum out for a birthday afternoon tea at Loch Lomond, played crazy golf with Kian and Nikki (my husband – i dont know if ive ever mentioned his name) on Saturday and went out for dinner on Sunday with Nikki, my dad and my brother.
It was a good weekend. I had lie-ins, I ate chocolate and I laughed a lot (my husband was responsible for most of that).
But there’s still a small niggly feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. I’m still gutted I’m not pregnant. It’s still on my mind.
Ovulation week is next week (whoah when did that creep up?) …Every month when I get my period I cant wait for my fertile week to come. Its a chance to try again afterall.. but then when it actually does come around I bloody hate it because well, I NEED TO TRY AGAIN!!!
I think we’ll stick with the testing for a while longer. I kind of liked the validation of knowing for sure when I was ovulating.
Well. Fingers crossed again.
The Miscarriage Association is an organisation based in the UK that helps people understand/get through a miscarriage. I was referred to them through my local hospital and they’ve been brilliant.
If you haven’t been on their site, you should absolutely go check them out. I myself submitted my story (12 weeks) to them and it was published in their Spring Summer newsletter. It came through yesterday and while my husband and i had a cry re-reading it, it made us both so proud that our story is out there. Helping women see that there’s a way out from all the pain.
(Anyone that’s not based in the UK – I would still check the website out btw)
On a different note. I’m due tomorrow. This is CD31 and so far I’ve had a bit of a cold, slight increase in hunger and my boobs are a little sore. They feel a bit heavier…. its not enough to get excited about of course, just enough for me to notice. (Which to be honest will prob end up getting me excited anyway before my bloody period turns up a day late)
I think we were pretty successful with the OPKs this month. I say ‘think’ because I got a positive over two days, but I read a few things and apparently that can happen and you should just go with your first. CD18 which is pretty much bang on the average for my cycle. Thinking back on previous months, I might have been doing it a little bit too early? So maybe I have been doing it wrong this whole time? Wouldn’t that be just bloody great………
Anyway I think i’ll stick with the testing for a few months – it means I won’t always wonder “have I ovulated? Have we missed it?” and I can stop with the CM checking because if I’m entirely honest – it grosses me out a little.
My phantom symptoms so far have been – 1.Cramps…
3. Irrational emotional outbreaks. (mainly tears for no good reason)
I’m now on CD27 and Im not taking any of the above seriously. Oh no, I’m not THAT stupid. I’ve learned my lesson thank you very much. Numerous times I may add.
On a side note – its been 5 weeks since my ultrasound (where they checked the cyst on my ovary) and i STILL have yet to hear anything. It’s starting to piss me off a bit now…. Im pretty sure there’s absolutely nothing to worry about, but there’s always a wee niggle isn’t there??
I’m slap bang in the middle of my fertile week again – according to my app, my CM AND ovulation tests (yes I’m on them again) – I haven’t ovulated yet. I think it should be around Monday so I’m expecting a positive soon..
I bought the cheapy OPKs off eBay. 20 sticks for £2.50 (which if I wanna try be multi national is prob around $4 USD – I have no idea the Canadian conversion)
Ok so slightly off topic there! We decided to try the testing again out of curiosity really. I have a pretty good idea of when I ovulate (or so I think) but we thought we’d try confirm it with these.
I actually dont feel under too much pressure this month to be honest. And I never had a freak out when AF turned up last time, which is a pretty HUGE deal for me.
Oh I’m now also waiting on results from an ultrasound scan. I have ovarian cysts and the doctors are hoping to rule out them as a factor in my miscarriages. They dont think its related but its just another thing to cross off I guess. It’s been 4 weeks so I’m getting slightly impatient mind you. But I’ll keep you all posted.
Things are good though.