I’ll follow you down

I’ll follow you down

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I was walking to work on Sunday afternoon with my earphones in and my first dance song came on. (“I’ll Follow You Down” by Shinedown if anyones wondering). It immediately took me back to the wedding. The 25th January last year. The best day of my life… I also happened to be 10 weeks pregnant.

All I could think about was me walking down the aisle.  A string quartet version of Eric Claptons Wonderful Tonight was playing as I walked. Seeing Nikki at the end of the aisle, just waiting for me to arrive. Only a handful of people knowing I was pregnant.  Being so excited thinking that Kian (my stepson) was going to announce it after our vows. But only a mere few weeks later everything had fell apart.

Although I’m in a far better place now.. even after yet another miscarriage… there’s still a part of me that’s broken.  I hope one day I’ll be able to think back to my wedding and not feel that bit of sadness. It shouldn’t be like that.  My wedding and my honeymoon both sometimes remind me of a shitty time and it’s  so frustrating.. I mean, my wedding was PERFECT. Literally. .. it could not have went any better, yet there’s still a wee bit of negativity surrounding the memories. Don’t get me wrong, I can still have fond memories,  there was still a LOT of beautiful moments but there’s just a bit of a cloud hanging over it.

I want to be able to listen to my songs and smile again.

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One thought on “I’ll follow you down

  1. I’m experiencing the same thing. You go to a restaurant and you can’t help thinking, “the last time I was here I was pregnant.” I’ve decided grief isn’t a cycle. It’s more like Jenga, did you ever play Jenga? You build your little tower, and then one move or vibration brings the the whole thing down. I feel like grief is more like that.

    Liked by 1 person

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