When to stop?

When to stop?

I know in my head that I can’t keep trying forever. Physically its impossible, and emotionally -well I don’t know how much longer I can go.

Should I give myself an end date? Should I keep going until I physically can’t? Should I stop when I’m emotionally worn out, or will there be too much damage already done? 

I’ve just began a new cycle. I feel exhausted and its barely even started. 

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have started a miscarriage blog and have 100 people reading it. I had no idea I would have to undertake tests, book acupuncture appointments and spend months researching tips on having a full term pregnancy.

I sometimes try imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a beautiful house, with 2 kids – (stepson and one biological one), financially secure and happy, and then I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future is going to bring – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.

So, as I sit in a hotel room waiting to visit Poland for my 30th birthday, all I can do is forget about my past; stop picturing my future and just enjoy my present.

Impatience

Impatience

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I was out buying some stationery yesterday (does anyone else love buying new pens and pads BTW?) and I may have made a beeline for the pregnancy tests…. I may have bought one three, and I may have taken one two.

In the whole 3 times I’ve been pregnant, I have NEVER had a positive until at least around 4 days late. I’m not even

officially late until tomorrow!

It of course was negative – both times. I also never told my husband because he specifically said to me just two days ago “even if you don’t get your period by Tues, DONT test until the weekend”.

The worst part of it all is I still have one left that’s burning a hole in my pocket and I CAN’T PROMISE I WONT USE IT TODAY (In like 30 seconds)

Animal Mineral Vegetable (and some lube)

Animal Mineral Vegetable (and some lube)

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I’ve made a lot of changes to my diet the past few months.

I rarely eat red meat, possibly once or twice a month.

Switched from minced beef to quorn (far nicer by the way)

I’ll have a few glasses of wine when I’m on my period but no other alcohol the rest of the month

I’ve cut down massively on dairy and sugar.

I take vitamin c, vitamin d, calcium and folic acid.

This month I’m trying more. I’ve ordered a fertility lube. Now I’ve NEVER used lube… maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s as common place here in the UK as it is in America. I bought “conceive” plus. Has anyone used it and can share some stories? Has it helped? Is it icky?

A friend of mine also recommended cassava root. Has anyone had experience with this? I’ve read people who want twins take it… now don’t get me wrong, I’d LOVE a child but the idea of twins terrifies me!!

Anyone got other recommendations or things they take or things they do differently now? I’d be interested to hear them.

Insecurities

Insecurities

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It hasnt been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

I don’t know either. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, failed to get pregnant as quick as I wanted to.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

Or am I insecure because my hair is actually that rank?

No Valentine’s Cards

No Valentine’s Cards

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When I was in my first years of high school I was always known more as the funny one rather than the pretty one. I was always just friends with the boys n for the most part I didn’t really mind. I was always a bit different and had this huge ginger mane that I had no clue what to do with. Not exactly a good look.

I remember Valentine’s Day coming round and always knowing that I probably wouldn’t get a card. I wasn’t massively bothered but still, I kind of hoped. Let myself get clouded by the false hope and would become a little bit excited. Then I’d tell myself that it didn’t matter. It was only a fucking card Nicola!

When I turned 15, I went to the Under-18 clubs, embraced my hair, got boobs and got a boyfriend.

I’d waited a few years for my Valentine’s cards then suddenly found myself surrounded by them (OK.. well I got a few, they weren’t exactly dripping from the ceiling)

This is pretty much how I feel about the whole trying to conceive cycle. Like I’m waiting and hoping to just get pregnant, knowing deep down that I prob won’t be getting the positive just yet. Letting the false hope get the better of me.

I know that one day I’m going to get what I’ve been waiting for.. it just feels like I’m back in school again, feeling a bit left out.

(Yeah…My period turned up today. Just to clarify that)

Absent Minded

Absent Minded

I broke my phone AND laptop about 2 weeks ago so I was totally shut out from my miscarriage family. That’s you guys by the way. I hope you don’t mind.

In a way it kind of kept my mind off the whole thing. My TWW has came (and nearly went) so fast.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying blogging is a bad thing; it’s saved me from be venturing into some dark places… but maybe subconsciously I haven’t allowed myself to get stressed because I knew there was no place for me to vent?

Or maybe I’m now just so used to this TTC cycle that every day just blurs into one.

As it stands I’m on CD31. My previous cycles have been 29,29, 30,32 so it’s still up in the air a bit.

I haven’t got my hopes up this month. Not entirely anyway. There’s always a small hope hanging over me when my period hasn’t turned up.

So far I’ve had zero symptoms. No painful boobs, no cramps (a few a week ago but I think that might actually have been an upset tummy as opposed to my implantation hopes!!) No tiredness, nothing.

Judging by the last few months though,  that means absolutely bugger all!

Monday

Monday

It’s been a strange week for me.

On Friday I took my mum out for a birthday afternoon tea at Loch Lomond, played crazy golf with Kian and Nikki (my husband – i dont know if ive ever mentioned his name) on Saturday and went out for dinner on Sunday with Nikki, my dad and my brother.

It was a good weekend. I had lie-ins, I ate chocolate and I laughed a lot (my husband was responsible for most of that).

But there’s still a small niggly feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. I’m still gutted I’m not pregnant. It’s still on my mind.

Ovulation week is next week (whoah when did that creep up?) …Every month when I get my period I cant wait for my fertile week to come. Its a chance to try again afterall.. but then when it actually does come around I bloody hate it because well, I NEED TO TRY AGAIN!!!

I think we’ll stick with the testing for a while longer. I kind of liked the validation of knowing for sure when I was ovulating.

Well. Fingers crossed again.

Ups And Downs

Ups And Downs

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It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. If you’ve read my last post, that won’t exactly come as a surprise. I probably post a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the ups and downs of  TTC. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.

I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hells Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.

We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?

I had the whole self doubt thing happen again. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine being a mum.

I started googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Very moderately i’d say –  probably around 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference,  maybe it won’t. I mean, you do hear about a lot of people getting knocked up when they were shit faced on vodka. (Just look at Katherine Heigl eh?)

Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.

 

 

Giving up?

Giving up?

My period arrived this morning. About 10mins before I was about to test. It mustve knew.

I stupidly got so excited this month. I was convinced. I ran to my friends car yesterday and had to hold my boobs to stop them hurting. That is NOT normal for me. Going in to the bath last night, they felt heavy and sore… It was a sure fire sign that I was pregnant.

It’s been 18months of non-stop trying and I really don’t know if I can keep going. Every month I hope and I pray that we’ve done it.. and it either doesn’t happen; or it happens and we lose it. That’s the only outcomes we’ve had.

I don’t know if I can keep doing this.. I want more than anything to be a mum, but the sinking/empty feeling I get when I get my hopes up is horrendous. I feel like such a failure.

Why is it so hard for me?