Happy Mug

So I received my mug a few days ago (from the MugSwap – check previous posts) and admittedly I was spoiled. The lovely Cyan from almostpregnant (I still can’t thank you enough) gave me a beautiful box with a mug – of course – with the words ‘think positive’, some snuggly socks, a cute little pineapple necklace, a flapjack, a handwritten card and these amazing IVF notecards. I still haven’t wrote in them yet, as half of me wants to fill them in so I can keep them in a little baby making/IVF memory box, but the other half is too scared to ruin them! Point is, I was seriously spoiled.

I’d had a rough day. I found out I might not get funding for my course next year which means I’ll need to use my student loan to pay my fees which of course now means I’ll need to work more days than I do now and it’s already a struggle and that’s before I’ve even started IVF.

Opening the box made me smile. And take a minute. I’ve been through so much already, I can get through this. Sure it might be a struggle and it might be hard, but this is one of those struggles where I actually have an end date. A date where the struggling and the juggling will be over.  We’re normally not the group of people who deal in certainties, but this is certain. It’ll be hard for a year, but then I’ll be qualified and working a job I love.

I have Cyan to thank for this moment of clarity. She reminded me why I started this mug swap in the first place – to show people we’re not alone in our struggles whatever they are. To show each other we’re here for support, advice or even just a listening ear. Whatever we need. And while my down day was college related and not – for once – baby related; it still gave me the same feelings of self doubt, panic and anxiety. The mug reminded me to think positive, the IVF cards reminded me I am strong and the necklace – well that reminded me to fuck it, and pour myself a pina colada!

Mug Swap Update

Thank you so much to everyone that’s taking part in the Mug Swap – I’ve sent out all the emails today and am just waiting on a few replies – so hopefully everyone will have a new mug/new follower/new friend on the way soon! Please do share the pictures somewhere so we can all have a look once you get your mug!

On another note – I left you all hanging on tender hooks so I apologise, but my period came a few days ago – I was around 4 days late. Again, I felt okay. Slightly annoyed that it took 34 days to bloody get here, but I wasn’t too upset. I never cried or felt like a failure, which for a long time was a bit of a recurring thought of mine.

All in all, I’m still feeling pretty good. I’m coming to the end of my college term and I only have something like 14 days left of placement. I’m feeling mixed emotions about that – I’ll be glad to have my summer break, and to finally move on to the final part of the course in August but I’ve grown close to a lot of the children and I’m really going to miss seeing them. And the staff too – they’ve been great and really supportive throughout the past 8 months. But I guess that’s part and parcel of this course – It’s only placement – I can’t stay there forever.

Hubby’s moving on to a new job too – better pay and much closer to home (as in, walking distance) so we’ll save a bunch on travel costs plus he gets his own special added bonus of a lie in – I told him he’ll need to savour that because if we get our wish he can kiss goodbye to them for the foreseeable future!

We’ve just booked to go to Rhodes in July (I’m sure that’s almost suicide for a ginger!), and part of me is thinking “Ahhh forget about the bikini body – I could be pregnant!!”, while the other part is trying to limit my chocolate intake to – hmmm I don’t know – 4 bars a week.

Does anyone else have Summer plans?

 

Butterfly Awards

 

I can’t believe I never mentioned this before. I guess my heads been in the clouds a little.

Anyway, around 2 months ago I received a notification that Hubby had nominated me for a ‘Butterfly Award’. They – amongst other things – recognise people that bring awareness to miscarriage or baby loss via blogs/books/social media/making keepsakes/etc. I’m nominated under the blogger category.

I know that my blog is pretty tiny in comparison to some – I have around 150 followers – but my husband knows how much the blog means to me. If I’ve ever had a bad day he always says to me “You should blog. It helps you”. And he’s right. It always does, and I hope it helps other people too.

If anyone is interested – you can attend the Butterfly Awards ceremony without being nominated/shortlisted. Just pop over to their facebook or website and you can purchase tickets. You can also sponsor or donate there too.

https://finleysfootprints.com/

Change

In the words of Bob Dylan – “The times they are a-changing”.

3 years ago, Nikki and I were preparing for our upcoming Wedding and honeymoon. We had only recently found out about my pregnancy, and I was probably busy looking at prams and maternity clothes and googling ‘Traditional Scottish baby names’. In hindsight I was probably a little too eager, but come on, this was 3 years ago. Miscarriage was barely in my vocabulary.

I was working for a residential care home; a job I enjoyed, but didn’t quite love. I worked 6 days a week, but earned an alright wage and was on course to get a pretty good deal on maternity pay.

We lived in a flat in Clydebank, that none of us particularly liked, but it was our first home together so we had memories stored in the walls.

Fast forward a few years and I’ve left my work and went back to college to study Early Education and Childcare. Nikki and I moved in with my mum to save for our own place (which has its ups and downs – but mostly ups). We still have Kian every Fri-Mon so space is a little tight but we make it work! I now have a few more tattoos, shaved half my hair (did I ever mention that? I had huge thick curly ginger hair and chopped 90% of it off. I cried a little at first, but I make it work.) Being a few years older also seems to have added around 7-10lbs to me, but some of that’s boob weight so I’m not complaining!

And of course we have 4 miscarriages behind us. Our first baby would be turning 3 this year. But I can’t think like that. I’d be rhyming off ages every other month if I lived like that. They will always be in my heart, and I’ll never forget any of the babies I’ve lost, but if it wasn’t for those losses, my life wouldn’t be where it is now.

I’d probably still be in my care home job, we’d be living in an area we hated, we’d have a beautiful baby – but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’d be happy. A baby doesn’t make you happy. Our losses inspired us to do more – it gave us a kick up the arse. We’re preparing to set up home in a nicer area, we’ve spent so much quality time together as a couple, we’ve travelled more than we ever thought we would. We’re happy.

Now l’m not saying losing the babies was a good thing – of course it wasn’t. But what I’ve realised is; it doesn’t need to dictate my life anymore. I can still be happy… We are allowed to be happy.

For anyone going through a miscarriage – it doesn’t need to signal the end of something. Maybe it could be your start of something new.

I would still love my story to have a baby in it. I would still love to watch our child grow, and watch them take their first steps and take them to their first day at school…. but if I cant.. Well then, my story just won’t have that chapter in it. But it will have hundreds of other chapters. And that’s okay.

New Year. New Opportunities

I can’t believe it’s that time again. Feels like only yesterday I was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It makes me sound so old but, where does the time go? 

This year was our first Christmas Eve with Kian so we got to wake up and watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. We went all out with Christmas Eve boxes, letters from Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Elf doors, stockings and a mountain of presents but, I figured this could be the last Christmas with just the 3 of us! (Maybe overly wishful thinking but hey, it’s better being positive right?!) 

After Christmas, we took Kian to Poland for a few days, just to get away from the chaos and the craziness and all the family stuff. It’s nice for a while, but then you just want to relax! 

New Years Eve came and Nikki and I went to our local pub for a cheesy, alcohol fuelled, cheese & pickle on a stick filled karaoke night! It was great, and I promise we only drank a LITTLE too much alcohol. I have to be alcohol free during IVF, so I figured why not go out with a bang? (she says as she’s drinking a glass of wine.) 

My next I.VF. appointment is February 7th – I’m not sure what this one will entail though. Nikki still has to make his “donation”, but I hope we’ll be starting around May or June time. Only time will tell. But I feel good. 

Accepted

I have news. Wonderful, wonderful news. We’ve been accepted for IVF! We’re officially on the list! It’s just a waiting game now. 

I know this is no way a guarantee that I’ll have a baby, but I already feel so much more positive about everything. 

So, why did I qualify if I’ve been pregnant multiple times in the past few years? I know people might be wondering about this. I’ve been trying for 3 years now with no success and no explained cause for my miscarriages or my new sudden struggle to conceive – so that essentially qualifies me as having some form of infertility. The fact I have a stepson also doesn’t matter – it used to, but they’ve changed that rule. (I should say that this is Scotland’s rulings, so anywhere else could be – and I think is – entirely different). 

I’m in the process of getting blood tests, and my next appointment isn’t until February, but it’s all pretty exciting. I’ll qualify for 3 rounds of free IVF on the NHS (we’re exceptionally lucky in this country), so I hope with all my heart that one of these will be successful! I’m so excited and nervous and happy and scared and anxious and giddy and every other emotion you can fit in to my little body – except sad – no, I’m not sad. 

Babies everywhere

Why is it, that the day you get your period is always the day where you’ll see a baby on every corner?!

Hostile Reception

If I had been face-to-face with the receptionist at my GP surgery today, I would have threw my shoe at her. Without hesitation. Ok, well maybe not my shoe – I like my shoe. But I’d have said a swear word and stormed off. And maybe knocked over the pile of last years magazines they have for reading. 

Like I said before, after my appointment at the RMC clinic, it was agreed that I was a “good candidate” for progesterone and I was told I could get this from my ever so helpful GP. I phoned him a few weeks ago and was quickly dismissed, with him saying he can’t give me anything until he receives confirmation letter from the hospital (yeah cos I quite fancy getting high off the progesterone). Anyway – fine – I guess he has an oath or some bollocks, but I explained that I was eager to have it all sorted for when I got my next positive test and asked that he update me as soon as the letter was received. 

Today I call to find out if the letters been received and the exceptionally helpful receptionist tells me that it was indeed received – 20 DAYS AGO.. She says to me: 

“It says there’s no further action required so no you don’t have a prescription” 

“Yes,I know I don’t. I’m just wondering if it’s been confirmed that I have to get it once I’m pregnant” I say calmly. As calmly as I can manage anyway. I’m probably getting a bit ratty. 

“But you’ve to take it when you’re pregnant, not now. You aren’t pregnant.” she says. 

Gee, thanks for reminding me! And I’m aware how to bloody take it you stupid woman. All I want to know is if it’ll be there when I need it! (I never said this of course. I’m calm remember. At least at this point anyway.) 

“Well we actually recommended that you don’t get pregnant until after your scan results” 

WE?! WE?!?! Who the fuck are WE?! 

I totally lost it then. I screamed that if she bothered to look at the rest of my notes, she would see I’ve had 5 bloody miscarriages and I WILL be getting progesterone and I certainly wont be taking advice from a receptionist who is merely reading notes from a screen and I will absolutely not be told by a receptionist what to do with MY body nor when I’ve to do it and I want to speak to my GP right NOW and I will not continue this conversation with someone who is completely unqualified to be giving any sort of medical advice! 

It never got much better either to be honest. My GP called back and started going on about possible side effects and how the recent medical studies aren’t conclusive and he’s totally uncomfortable prescribing it and he’s decided against it. Fuck. All I want is someone to give me the drugs for my incompetent vagina. For fuck sake. 

(Apologies to receptionists everywhere that are decent at their job. This isn’t directed at you. Just that one bloody woman) 

Tired

 

I’m struggling today. 

I’ve been doing this for nearly 2 and a half years now, and it’s taking its toll. I’m tired. 

I don’t think I’ve got much more left in me. 

Waiting

Merry Christmas/Happy New year/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Other religious holidays I don’t really know much about. Hope everyone’s well. 

Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was pretty sick for a few weeks so it was off the table – and I really didn’t mind. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC (Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic) a few days ago and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. Third time lucky I guess.. Except that really doesn’t mean anything to me. 

My specialist agrees that it isn’t “normal” to have this many losses for no reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant. She’s also sending me for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. Well I can think of one straightaway love – it won’t keep a bloody baby in it!  

Maybe we’re getting somewhere now. Only time will tell.