Bloody receptionists!

Bloody receptionists!

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If I had been face-to-face with the receptionist at my GP surgery today, I would have strangled her. Without hesitation.

Background first – I have been to my GP after every miscarriage, either for a line to hand in at work or a blood test or whatever, so they’re more than aware of my “history”.The ‘on call’ doctor was bloody brilliant – made me feel very reassured and calm. Shame about my own bloody doctor. He has never recommended tests, referred me to anyone, offered me any sort of valuable information or help. I have fought to get where I am in terms of the medical help I’m receiving, and occasionally the early pregnancy unit have helped a wee bit too. I’ve did the research, I’ve asked the questions, I’ve brought up the subject of progesterone/aspirin/acupuncture/further tests. My GP has done bugger all.

Middle part – After my appointment at RMC clinic, it was agreed that I was a “good candidate” for progesterone and the specialist told me I could get this from my ever so helpful GP. I phoned and was quickly dismissed, with him saying he can’t give me anything until he receives confirmation letter from the hospital (yeah cos I quite fancy getting high off the progesterone ffs). Anyway – fine – I guess he has an oath or some bollocks…. but I explained that I was eager to have it so it was all sorted for when I got my next positive test.

Today – I call to find out if the letter has been received and the lovely receptionist says she can check. (re-read that sentence but make sure you say ‘lovely’ with a sarcastic tone). She tells me that it was indeed received – 20 DAYS AGO… She says “there is no further action required” so progesterone hasn’t actually been prescribed yet. I ask her if I can please speak to the GP as I would really like to be assured that I will be able to get this AS SOON as I fall pregnant.  “But you’ve to take it up to 12 weeks pregnant, not now” she says… I’m aware how to bloody take it you stupid woman.. UP to 12 weeks.. not AT 12 weeks!! All I want to know is if it’ll be there when I need it! So I ask again to speak to my GP and do you know what she said to me?! “We recommended you don’t get pregnant until your MRI scan” WE?! WE?!?! Who the fuck are WE?!

I lost it then. I screamed that if she bothered to look at the rest of my notes, she would see I’ve had 5 bloody miscarriages and I WILL be getting progesterone and I certainly wont be taking advice from a receptionist and I want to speak to my GP NOW and not continue this conversation with someone who is completely unqualified to be giving any sort of medical advice!

Honest to God. It never got much better either to be honest. My GP called back and started going on about possible side effects and how the recent medical studies aren’t conclusive. All I want is some bloody drugs for my incompetent vagina. Fuck sake.

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

First off I have to apologise for not updating/reading up on everyones blog. I have no excuse, so I’m sorry. I WILL go back and catch up with all ur posts. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was ill during my fertile week so we took it easy. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC clinic the other day and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. The specialist agrees that it isn’t normal to have this many losses for NO reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant and she’s booked me in for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. She thinks possibly a septate or bicornuate uterus COULD be a reason for the losses. It’s pretty rare, but its worth getting the tests. She also thinks if I make it to the 7/8 week mark, I might benefit from Clexane injections – just as another thing to try. I’m telling her to fling everything my way – hey, I pay my taxes!

I feel like we’re not being ignored anymore.. that the doctors are willing to help us more now. The only thing left to do now is get pregnant! Funnily enough that’s actually the thing I feel most relaxed about. Although that could be because its ovulation week and I always feel a little more *cough* “relaxed” at this time!!

When to stop?

When to stop?

I know in my head that I can’t keep trying forever. Physically its impossible, and emotionally -well I don’t know how much longer I can go.

Should I give myself an end date? Should I keep going until I physically can’t? Should I stop when I’m emotionally worn out, or will there be too much damage already done? 

I’ve just began a new cycle. I feel exhausted and its barely even started. 

Miscarriage & Media

Miscarriage & Media

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)

(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)

Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!

I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together… but.. and here’s one for all of us…

How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah..I can. And I will!

Only downside? I thought of this answer on the train journey home!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you sympathise or do you pity?

Do you sympathise or do you pity?

I hate being pitied. People that tilt their head and lower their eyes if I ask them about their pregnancy. Like they’re afraid to show any kind of excitement incase I throw something at their glowing face.

I despise the “hang in there” and “it’ll happen eventually” comments. One colleague even jokingly said she was going to start a GoFund Me Page for my crushing infertility. (At least I hope she was fucking joking)

When I corrected her and told her I wasn’t actually struggling with infertility she was baffled and questioned “so what’s wrong with you”?.. We’ll luckily for you it’s not my inability to control my temper or reward stupidity with a swift kick to the shin.

Listen, I totally appreciate people that sympathise or empathise with me. People that have genuine questions about miscarriages or the affects they’ve had on me. If you’re one of them then I have all the time in the world, but please do not bloody pity me. Please don’t think I am any less of a woman for not having a child. Please don’t think that I am so obsessed with getting pregnant that it’s the only thing I want to talk to you about. I’m a woman for fucks sake, compliment my hair or something.  

Apologies

Apologies

I haven’t wrote in SO long. I don’t even really have much of an excuse. I was on holiday in Spain which excuses me for 9 days, but outside that.. Nope.Nothing.

It’s coming up to two years of trying for a baby (I came off contraception in October 2014) and to be honest I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of symptom tracking and taking supplements and peeing on sticks. I’ve had enough of feeling disappointed and feeling like a failure every month. I’ve had enough of trying for a baby and never getting to have one. 

No Tea for Me.

No Tea for Me.

I’ve been absent from WordPress again the past few weeks. I’m the worst blogger, I really am.

I’ve been so busy with working full time and getting my online business up and running. It’s been going great but it’s hard keeping up with orders and work and trying for a baby. It’s bloody exhausting!

I took on board everyone’s advice last post and purchased raspberry leaf tea capsules. I had to do the capsule thing; I’m really not a huge tea drinker. Believe it or not, not everyone in the UK loves a cuppa!

I also tried the “conceive plus” fertility gel, but I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan. It wasn’t particularly messy or icky like I feared.. it just kind of made it.. I dunno, different. We ended up just using it after I *cough* finished *cough* which worked out best for us. Maybe I’m just not a lube-y kinda girl.

Anyone experience side effects from the supplements? Just curious.

I’m now on day 30, of a normal 32 day cycle. (Last month was 33) and feeling pretty normal. I’ve been crazy gassy (TMI) much to my husband’s delight and I’ve been a little emotional – but my dog did just pass away so….

Anyway. I’ll update with any phantom symptoms/late periods/eventual menstruation 🙂

Insecurities

Insecurities

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It hasnt been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

I don’t know either. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, failed to get pregnant as quick as I wanted to.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

Or am I insecure because my hair is actually that rank?