I know in my head that I can’t keep trying forever. Physically its impossible, and emotionally -well I don’t know how much longer I can go.
Should I give myself an end date? Should I keep going until I physically can’t? Should I stop when I’m emotionally worn out, or by that point will there be too much damage already done?
I’m at the start of a new cycle. Menstrual wise of course. Life wise it’s the same. I’m already exhausted and its barely even started.
I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)
(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)
Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!
I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together.
Later on I thought some more about it.
I sat on the train home and thought about the past few years, and thought about the people on here that I’ve spoke to and read about, and do you know what I realised? How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah you know what? I bloody can. And I bloody will!
I hate being pitied. People that tilt their head and lower their eyes if I ask about their pregnancy. Like they’re afraid to show any kind of excitement incase I throw something at their round glowing faces.
I despise the “hang in there” and “it’ll happen eventually” comments. One colleague even jokingly said she was going to start a GoFund Me Page for my crushing infertility. (At least I hope she was fucking joking)
When I corrected her and told her I wasn’t actually struggling with infertility she was baffled and questioned “so what is wrong with you”? Well luckily for you it’s not my inability to control my temper or reward people’s sheer stupidity with a swift kick to the shin.
Look, I totally appreciate people that sympathise or empathise with me. People that have genuine questions about miscarriages or the affects they can have. If you’re one of them then I have all the time in the world, but please do not bloody pity me. Please don’t think I am any less of a woman for not having a child. Please don’t think that I am so obsessed with getting pregnant that it’s the only thing I want to talk to you about. I’m a woman for fucks sake, compliment my hair or something.
I haven’t wrote in SO long. I don’t even really have much of an excuse. I was on holiday in Spain which excuses me for 9 days, but outside that.. Nope.Nothing.
It’s coming up to two years of trying for a baby (I came off contraception in October 2014) and to be honest I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of symptom tracking and taking supplements and peeing on sticks. I’ve had enough of feeling disappointed and feeling like a failure every month. I’ve had enough of trying for a baby and never getting to have one.
I’ve been absent from WordPress again the past few weeks. I’m the worst blogger, I really am.
I took on board everyone’s advice last post and purchased raspberry leaf tea capsules. I had to do the capsule thing; I’m really not a huge tea drinker. Believe it or not, not everyone in the UK loves a cuppa!
I also tried the “conceive plus” fertility gel, but I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan. It wasn’t particularly messy or icky like I feared.. it just kind of made it.. I don’t know; different. We ended up just using it after I *cough* finished * which worked out best for us. Maybe I’m just not a lube-y kinda girl.
Anyone experience side effects from the supplements? Just curious.
I’m now on day 30, of a normal 32 day cycle. (Last month was 33) and feeling pretty normal. I’ve been crazy gassy (TMI) much to my husband’s delight and I’ve been a little emotional – but I’m always pretty emotional to be honest.
Anyway. I’ll update you all with any phantom symptoms/late periods/eventual menstruation.
Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016
It hasn’t been a good week.
I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.
After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.
Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.
I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.
I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.
Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.
My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.
Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?
Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.
When I was in my first years of high school I was always known more as the funny one rather than the pretty one. I was always just friends with the boys n for the most part I didn’t really mind. I was always a bit different and had this huge ginger mane that I had no clue what to do with. I had the fortune of having the nickname of Sideshow Bob.
I remember Valentine’s Day coming round and always knowing that I probably wouldn’t get a card. I wasn’t massively bothered but still, I kind of hoped. Let myself get clouded by the false hope and would become a little bit excited. Then I’d tell myself that it didn’t matter. It was only a fucking card Nicola!
When I turned 15, I went to the Under-18 clubs, learned that I had to put product in my hair, grew boobs and got a boyfriend.
I’d waited a few years for my Valentine’s cards then suddenly found myself surrounded by them (OK.. well I got a few, they weren’t exactly dripping from the ceiling)
This is pretty much how I feel about the whole trying to conceive cycle. Like I’m waiting and hoping to just get pregnant, knowing deep down that I prob won’t be getting the positive just yet. Letting the false hope get the better of me.
Then the babies turn up everywhere. Babies and bumps on every corner. I’m surrounded. The only difference is that these ones aren’t for me.
I know that one day I’m going to get what I’ve been waiting for.. it just feels like I’m back in school again, feeling a bit left out.
(Yeah…My period turned up today. Just to clarify that)
I broke my phone and laptop about 2 weeks ago so I was kind of shut out from my writing. Well aside from using pen and paper. Maybe it was a good thing though.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying writing is a bad thing; it’s saved me from be venturing into some dark places… but maybe subconsciously I haven’t allowed myself to get stressed because I knew there wasn’t my normal place to vent?
I haven’t got my hopes up this month. Not entirely anyway. There’s always a small hope hanging over me when my period hasn’t turned up.
So far I’ve had zero symptoms. No painful boobs, no cramps (a few a week ago but I think that might actually have been an upset tummy as opposed to my implantation hopes!) No tiredness, nothing.
That means nothing though. I don’t know why I continue to symptom spot. It never ends well.
It’s been a strange week.
On Friday I took my mum for afternoon tea at Loch Lomond, played crazy golf with Kian and Nikki on the Saturday and had dinner plans on Sunday.
It was a good weekend. I had lie-ins, I ate chocolate, drank wine and laughed a lot (my husband was responsible for most of that).
But there’s still this small niggly feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. I’m still gutted I’m not pregnant. It’s still on my mind. I can’t help it.
Ovulation week is next week (whoa when did that creep up?) Every month, I cant wait for my fertile week to come. It’s a chance to try again. But then I feel anxious because, well – I NEED TO TRY AGAIN!
I think we’ll stick with the testing for a while longer. I kind of liked the validation of knowing for sure when I was ovulating. Or maybe I just liked seeing a positive.
It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. I think I say things a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the real ups and downs of all of this. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.
I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hell’s Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.
We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?
I experience a lot of self doubt sometimes. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine ever actually being a mum.
I started Googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Probably around 2 or 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you hear about a lot of people getting pregnant when they were shit faced on vodka don’t you? (Just look at Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’)
Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.