I haven’t wrote in SO long. I don’t even really have much of an excuse. I was on holiday in Spain which excuses me for 9 days, but outside that.. Nope.Nothing.
It’s coming up to two years of trying for a baby (I came off contraception in October 2014) and to be honest I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of symptom tracking and taking supplements and peeing on sticks. I’ve had enough of feeling disappointed and feeling like a failure every month. I’ve had enough of trying for a baby and never getting to have one.
I’ve been absent from WordPress again the past few weeks. I’m the worst blogger, I really am.
I’ve been so busy with working full time and getting my online business up and running. It’s been going great but it’s hard keeping up with orders and work and trying for a baby. It’s bloody exhausting!
I took on board everyone’s advice last post and purchased raspberry leaf tea capsules. I had to do the capsule thing; I’m really not a huge tea drinker. Believe it or not, not everyone in the UK loves a cuppa!
I also tried the “conceive plus” fertility gel, but I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan. It wasn’t particularly messy or icky like I feared.. it just kind of made it.. I dunno, different. We ended up just using it after I *cough* finished *cough* which worked out best for us. Maybe I’m just not a lube-y kinda girl.
Anyone experience side effects from the supplements? Just curious.
I’m now on day 30, of a normal 32 day cycle. (Last month was 33) and feeling pretty normal. I’ve been crazy gassy (TMI) much to my husband’s delight and I’ve been a little emotional – but my dog did just pass away so….
Anyway. I’ll update with any phantom symptoms/late periods/eventual menstruation 🙂
Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016
It hasn’t been a good week.
I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.
After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.
Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.
I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.
I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.
Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.
My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.
Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?
Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.
When I was in my first years of high school I was always known more as the funny one rather than the pretty one. I was always just friends with the boys n for the most part I didn’t really mind. I was always a bit different and had this huge ginger mane that I had no clue what to do with. I had the fortune of having the nickname of Sideshow Bob.
I remember Valentine’s Day coming round and always knowing that I probably wouldn’t get a card. I wasn’t massively bothered but still, I kind of hoped. Let myself get clouded by the false hope and would become a little bit excited. Then I’d tell myself that it didn’t matter. It was only a fucking card Nicola!
When I turned 15, I went to the Under-18 clubs, learned that I had to put product in my hair, grew boobs and got a boyfriend.
I’d waited a few years for my Valentine’s cards then suddenly found myself surrounded by them (OK.. well I got a few, they weren’t exactly dripping from the ceiling)
This is pretty much how I feel about the whole trying to conceive cycle. Like I’m waiting and hoping to just get pregnant, knowing deep down that I prob won’t be getting the positive just yet. Letting the false hope get the better of me.
Then the babies turn up everywhere. Babies and bumps on every corner. I’m surrounded. The only difference is that these ones aren’t for me.
I know that one day I’m going to get what I’ve been waiting for.. it just feels like I’m back in school again, feeling a bit left out.
(Yeah…My period turned up today. Just to clarify that)
I broke my phone and laptop about 2 weeks ago so I was kind of shut out from my writing. Well aside from using pen and paper. Maybe it was a good thing though.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying writing is a bad thing; it’s saved me from be venturing into some dark places… but maybe subconsciously I haven’t allowed myself to get stressed because I knew there wasn’t my normal place to vent?
I haven’t got my hopes up this month. Not entirely anyway. There’s always a small hope hanging over me when my period hasn’t turned up.
So far I’ve had zero symptoms. No painful boobs, no cramps (a few a week ago but I think that might actually have been an upset tummy as opposed to my implantation hopes!) No tiredness, nothing.
That means nothing though. I don’t know why I continue to symptom spot. It never ends well.
It’s been a strange week.
On Friday I took my mum for afternoon tea at Loch Lomond, played crazy golf with Kian and Nikki on the Saturday and had dinner plans on Sunday.
It was a good weekend. I had lie-ins, I ate chocolate, drank wine and laughed a lot (my husband was responsible for most of that).
But there’s still this small niggly feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. I’m still gutted I’m not pregnant. It’s still on my mind. I can’t help it.
Ovulation week is next week (whoa when did that creep up?) Every month, I cant wait for my fertile week to come. It’s a chance to try again. But then I feel anxious because, well – I NEED TO TRY AGAIN!
I think we’ll stick with the testing for a while longer. I kind of liked the validation of knowing for sure when I was ovulating. Or maybe I just liked seeing a positive.
It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. I think I say things a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the real ups and downs of all of this. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.
I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hell’s Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.
We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?
I experience a lot of self doubt sometimes. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine ever actually being a mum.
I started Googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Probably around 2 or 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you hear about a lot of people getting pregnant when they were shit faced on vodka don’t you? (Just look at Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’)
Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.
My period arrived this morning. About 10mins before I was about to test. She must’ve knew.
I stupidly got excited this month. Even after promising myself I wouldn’t. Even after pretending everything was hunky dory. I was utterly convinced. I ran to my friends car yesterday and had to hold my boobs to stop them hurting. That is not normal for me. I have tiny boobs. Going in to the bath last night, they felt heavy and sore. It was a sure fire sign that I was pregnant.
It’s been 18months of this and I really don’t know if I can keep going. Every month I hope and I pray that we’ve done it and it either doesn’t happen; or it happens and we lose it.
I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I want more than anything to be a mum, but the sinking, empty feeling I get is horrendous. I feel like such a failure.
Why is this so hard for me?
The Miscarriage Association is an organisation based in the UK that helps people understand/get through a miscarriage. I was referred to them through my local hospital and they’ve been brilliant.
If you haven’t been on their site, you should absolutely go check them out. I myself submitted my story (12 weeks) to them and it was published in their Spring Summer newsletter. It came through yesterday and while my husband and i had a cry re-reading it, it made us both so proud that our story is out there. Helping women see that there’s a way out from all the pain.
(Anyone that’s not based in the UK – I would still check the website out btw)
On a different note. I’m due tomorrow. This is CD31 and so far I’ve had a bit of a cold, slight increase in hunger and my boobs are a little sore. They feel a bit heavier…. its not enough to get excited about of course, just enough for me to notice. (Which to be honest will prob end up getting me excited anyway before my bloody period turns up a day late)
I think we were pretty successful with the OPKs this month. I say ‘think’ because I got a positive over two days, but I read a few things and apparently that can happen and you should just go with your first. CD18 which is pretty much bang on the average for my cycle. Thinking back on previous months, I might have been doing it a little bit too early? So maybe I have been doing it wrong this whole time? Wouldn’t that be just bloody great………
Anyway I think i’ll stick with the testing for a few months – it means I won’t always wonder “have I ovulated? Have we missed it?” and I can stop with the CM checking because if I’m entirely honest – it grosses me out a little.
My phantom symptoms so far have been – 1.Cramps…
3. Irrational emotional outbreaks. (mainly tears for no good reason)
I’m now on CD27 and Im not taking any of the above seriously. Oh no, I’m not THAT stupid. I’ve learned my lesson thank you very much. Numerous times I may add.
On a side note – its been 5 weeks since my ultrasound (where they checked the cyst on my ovary) and i STILL have yet to hear anything. It’s starting to piss me off a bit now…. Im pretty sure there’s absolutely nothing to worry about, but there’s always a wee niggle isn’t there??