It hasnt been a good week.
I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.
After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.
Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.
I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.
I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.
Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.
My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.
I don’t know either. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, failed to get pregnant as quick as I wanted to.
Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on instagram?
Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?
Or am I insecure because my hair is actually that rank?
When I was in my first years of high school I was always known more as the funny one rather than the pretty one. I was always just friends with the boys n for the most part I didn’t really mind. I was always a bit different and had this huge ginger mane that I had no clue what to do with. Not exactly a good look.
I remember Valentine’s Day coming round and always knowing that I probably wouldn’t get a card. I wasn’t massively bothered but still, I kind of hoped. Let myself get clouded by the false hope and would become a little bit excited. Then I’d tell myself that it didn’t matter. It was only a fucking card Nicola!
When I turned 15, I went to the Under-18 clubs, embraced my hair, got boobs and got a boyfriend.
I’d waited a few years for my Valentine’s cards then suddenly found myself surrounded by them (OK.. well I got a few, they weren’t exactly dripping from the ceiling)
This is pretty much how I feel about the whole trying to conceive cycle. Like I’m waiting and hoping to just get pregnant, knowing deep down that I prob won’t be getting the positive just yet. Letting the false hope get the better of me.
I know that one day I’m going to get what I’ve been waiting for.. it just feels like I’m back in school again, feeling a bit left out.
(Yeah…My period turned up today. Just to clarify that)
I broke my phone AND laptop about 2 weeks ago so I was totally shut out from my miscarriage family. That’s you guys by the way. I hope you don’t mind.
In a way it kind of kept my mind off the whole thing. My TWW has came (and nearly went) so fast.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying blogging is a bad thing; it’s saved me from be venturing into some dark places… but maybe subconsciously I haven’t allowed myself to get stressed because I knew there was no place for me to vent?
Or maybe I’m now just so used to this TTC cycle that every day just blurs into one.
As it stands I’m on CD31. My previous cycles have been 29,29, 30,32 so it’s still up in the air a bit.
I haven’t got my hopes up this month. Not entirely anyway. There’s always a small hope hanging over me when my period hasn’t turned up.
So far I’ve had zero symptoms. No painful boobs, no cramps (a few a week ago but I think that might actually have been an upset tummy as opposed to my implantation hopes!!) No tiredness, nothing.
Judging by the last few months though, that means absolutely bugger all!
It’s been a strange week for me.
On Friday I took my mum out for a birthday afternoon tea at Loch Lomond, played crazy golf with Kian and Nikki (my husband – i dont know if ive ever mentioned his name) on Saturday and went out for dinner on Sunday with Nikki, my dad and my brother.
It was a good weekend. I had lie-ins, I ate chocolate and I laughed a lot (my husband was responsible for most of that).
But there’s still a small niggly feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. I’m still gutted I’m not pregnant. It’s still on my mind.
Ovulation week is next week (whoah when did that creep up?) …Every month when I get my period I cant wait for my fertile week to come. Its a chance to try again afterall.. but then when it actually does come around I bloody hate it because well, I NEED TO TRY AGAIN!!!
I think we’ll stick with the testing for a while longer. I kind of liked the validation of knowing for sure when I was ovulating.
Well. Fingers crossed again.
It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. If you’ve read my last post, that won’t exactly come as a surprise. I probably post a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the ups and downs of TTC. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.
I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hells Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.
We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?
I had the whole self doubt thing happen again. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine being a mum.
I started googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Very moderately i’d say – probably around 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you do hear about a lot of people getting knocked up when they were shit faced on vodka. (Just look at Katherine Heigl eh?)
Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.
My period arrived this morning. About 10mins before I was about to test. It mustve knew.
I stupidly got so excited this month. I was convinced. I ran to my friends car yesterday and had to hold my boobs to stop them hurting. That is NOT normal for me. Going in to the bath last night, they felt heavy and sore… It was a sure fire sign that I was pregnant.
It’s been 18months of non-stop trying and I really don’t know if I can keep going. Every month I hope and I pray that we’ve done it.. and it either doesn’t happen; or it happens and we lose it. That’s the only outcomes we’ve had.
I don’t know if I can keep doing this.. I want more than anything to be a mum, but the sinking/empty feeling I get when I get my hopes up is horrendous. I feel like such a failure.
Why is it so hard for me?
The Miscarriage Association is an organisation based in the UK that helps people understand/get through a miscarriage. I was referred to them through my local hospital and they’ve been brilliant.
If you haven’t been on their site, you should absolutely go check them out. I myself submitted my story (12 weeks) to them and it was published in their Spring Summer newsletter. It came through yesterday and while my husband and i had a cry re-reading it, it made us both so proud that our story is out there. Helping women see that there’s a way out from all the pain.
(Anyone that’s not based in the UK – I would still check the website out btw)
On a different note. I’m due tomorrow. This is CD31 and so far I’ve had a bit of a cold, slight increase in hunger and my boobs are a little sore. They feel a bit heavier…. its not enough to get excited about of course, just enough for me to notice. (Which to be honest will prob end up getting me excited anyway before my bloody period turns up a day late)
I think we were pretty successful with the OPKs this month. I say ‘think’ because I got a positive over two days, but I read a few things and apparently that can happen and you should just go with your first. CD18 which is pretty much bang on the average for my cycle. Thinking back on previous months, I might have been doing it a little bit too early? So maybe I have been doing it wrong this whole time? Wouldn’t that be just bloody great………
Anyway I think i’ll stick with the testing for a few months – it means I won’t always wonder “have I ovulated? Have we missed it?” and I can stop with the CM checking because if I’m entirely honest – it grosses me out a little.
My phantom symptoms so far have been – 1.Cramps…
3. Irrational emotional outbreaks. (mainly tears for no good reason)
I’m now on CD27 and Im not taking any of the above seriously. Oh no, I’m not THAT stupid. I’ve learned my lesson thank you very much. Numerous times I may add.
On a side note – its been 5 weeks since my ultrasound (where they checked the cyst on my ovary) and i STILL have yet to hear anything. It’s starting to piss me off a bit now…. Im pretty sure there’s absolutely nothing to worry about, but there’s always a wee niggle isn’t there??
I’m slap bang in the middle of my fertile week again – according to my app, my CM AND ovulation tests (yes I’m on them again) – I haven’t ovulated yet. I think it should be around Monday so I’m expecting a positive soon..
I bought the cheapy OPKs off eBay. 20 sticks for £2.50 (which if I wanna try be multi national is prob around $4 USD – I have no idea the Canadian conversion)
Ok so slightly off topic there! We decided to try the testing again out of curiosity really. I have a pretty good idea of when I ovulate (or so I think) but we thought we’d try confirm it with these.
I actually dont feel under too much pressure this month to be honest. And I never had a freak out when AF turned up last time, which is a pretty HUGE deal for me.
Oh I’m now also waiting on results from an ultrasound scan. I have ovarian cysts and the doctors are hoping to rule out them as a factor in my miscarriages. They dont think its related but its just another thing to cross off I guess. It’s been 4 weeks so I’m getting slightly impatient mind you. But I’ll keep you all posted.
Things are good though.
I was out for dinner and drinks (a lot of drinks) on Saturday night with the husband, and his aunt and uncle. They’re both in their forties and are going through the adoption process at the minute.
They tried for a long time to have children of their own.. I think they had two or three failed IVF attempts and they mutually agreed to stop because the Clomid wasn’t doing my aunt any favours. I don’t know every detail because they don’t really discuss it a lot but im sure they’ve had to deal with miscarriage too.
I was always unsure about adoption. Not that I don’t think it’s it’s wonderful, selfless thing to do.. but I just wasn’t sure it was for me. Now though, I could see myself warming to the idea. Don’t get me wrong.. I want to continue trying naturally for a few more years, but if it came to it.. and it wasn’t happening for us – it’s something I would definitely consider.
I don’t know if the process is different in America, but here they’ve been able to pick their age group of “0-4”. They’ve been scrutinised for a long time – their jobs, their home, their relationship with each other and with other family members.. its been a long draining process for them I think.
Their final step is to go to a panel, then if they’re approved by them.. it’ll just be a waiting game. Once a child is best matched for them, they’ll be able to bring them home.
(Fostering to begin with, then eventually adoption).
My husband said how amazing it is that in a few months time there could be a new addition to our family.. a child out there somewhere that has no idea his or her life will change for the better. They’ll be with parents that will love them so much, and welcomed in to a family that knows how important they are. It really is a beautiful thing.