I woke up this morning to the email confirming I had been shortlisted for the Author/blogger category of the Butterfly Awards and I haven’t been able to wipe the smile off my face since!
I’ve never been great at accepting compliments of receiving praise. I’m not sure if it’s a Scottish/British thing, a woman thing, or just a me thing. But this is different. I feel so proud of myself because I’m nominated for speaking out about miscarriage – for raising awareness and for showing women (and men) that they are not going through those terrible times alone.
I started this blog as more of a diary to be honest. I never once thought people would read it, let alone comment and follow. It sounds cliched but I would never have been shortlisted if it wasn’t for all of you. The people that read my blog and take the time to comment and pick me up when I’m low, or think positive for me when I don’t have the strength to do it myself. If it wasn’t for this blog – and all of you – I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s saved me from venturing into some dark corners when in reality – it would’ve been the easy option. Everything you read in this blog is complete, unadulterated honesty and I’ll continue to do that because the more we speak about it, the less taboo it becomes.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of you who stop by my page. I’ll continue to blog and speak about my ups and downs of miscarriage and I.V.F in the hope that it saves even just one person from feeling alone. I know that’s what I needed when I started this (and what I still continue to need at times).
(Ok so this post was cheesier than a day at the stilton factory but I just couldn’t help myself.)
**If you want to read more about the awards – or even buy a ticket – check out the website here: https://finleysfootprints.com/
It’s been a difficult few weeks and I just haven’t had the heart to write. Hubbys contracted hours were halved literally overnight so we had to come to terms with the fact we’re going to be making a LOT less. I work sessional hours so I have no guaranteed hours but I’m trying my hardest to accept whatever and whenever. We go on holiday in 3 weeks and we still don’t have everything saved up. The last thing I want to do is be relaxing on a beach telling Kian we don’t have enough money for his ice cream cone. (OK so maybe it’s not that extreme but still… I’m an excessive panic)
I got my period last week. But of couree I STILL can’t get an appointment for this cycle. I’ll be in Greece when my injections are due so now I need to wait until August. Fuck.
Also. Why am I still not pregnant naturally? If there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be falling then why the hell is it not happening?
I admit it – I’m not feeling good. Hubby and I had another appointment yesterday and this one was pretty in depth in terms of how much information we got. I mean, it’s great to have it all.. But I think I was happier in my naive little safe bubble.
IVF wont help when it comes to miscarriages, so I might go through all this and still lose the baby.
I might over or under respond to treatment. I might not have enough good sized follicles. No 17mm follicles means no transfer. If I only have 1 17mm follicle then I can make the choice – go ahead and risk it (but it’ll count as one round) or scrap it and start the whole process again.
I might have great follicles and plenty to choose from, I might have great eggs and I can use hubbys great sperm and it still won’t work. For reasons totally unknown.
I always knew it wasn’t a guarantee but I just never realised how many ways it could NOT work.
I’ll start any time from now until July depending on when they can fit me in, so it’s really just a waiting game. Part of me wants it now, part of me is too scared for it to come.
I really don’t have an excuse this time. But here it is, my third and final quote (honestly, these challenges just weren’t made for me).
I was torn with this one. I really wanted to do an Atticus or Scout Finch quote – To Kill a Mockingbird is my favourite book so I thought it would be a nice tribute, but then I seen this Charles Dickens quote and felt it meant more.
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears”
I cry a lot. Not as much anymore as I used to, but still – it’s not exactly rare. I cry just before my period, I cry when I’m on my period, I cry when I see animal charity adverts, I cry when I watch films. Speaking of that; I watched ‘Gifted’ the other night (Chris Evans stars in it, and I urge you to watch it if you haven’t yet) and was in floods of tears. The neck of my t-shirt was soaking wet and covered in mascara.
I also cried a lot when I was going through my losses and cried again during my struggle to conceive. I cried thinking I was a failure. I cried when I thought about not being able to be a mum. But I’ve never been ashamed of my tears. I cried because I needed it. It was how I coped. Some people think tears are a sign of weakness but I disagree. I’m not a weak person because I cry. If anything, it makes me stronger. I don’t hide my emotions – I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I hurt, and I’m not always okay. I believe showing your emotions takes an incredible amount of strength.
Don’t ever be ashamed of something that helps you cope… Of something that’s part of you.
The quote-a-day challenge. I’ve not long been introduced to it, and I have to say I bloody adore it – it’s 3 days long so doesn’t require a huge amount of commitment like these 100 day challenges that are everywhere just now – I think I got to day 12 of the squat challenge before throwing (up) in the towel and making peace with my not so rock hard arse. Think less buns of steel and more buns of well, buns.
This challenge (which I was nominated for by Cyan – I’ll include a link to her blog if you want to give her a follow) involves picking a quote a day for 3 days and explaining why you like it and why it appeals or relates to you. So here goes. My first one is by – of course – Maya Angelou (coincidentally Cyan also picked a Ms Angelou quote!)
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from and how you can still come out of it”
I think we can all relate to this one. The past few years I’ve often felt I’ve been dealt a pretty shitty hand. It’s been hard to stay positive and find the good in things. I mean what good comes out of losing a baby?
But over time I’ve come to see how resilient I am. I can see that no matter how many times I’m down and feel like giving up; I will always get back up again. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for all my losses. I’m more compassionate, more considerate, more honest. My relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. I find the small stuff doesn’t get me down as much anymore. I bounce back quicker. When I fall, I rise so much higher now.
So that’s my quote. I believe there IS a reason I’m going through all of this and I can either agonise over trying to understand it, or I can accept it and live my life. I will not be defeated.
Thank you so much Cyan for nominating me. I’ll stick with nominating 1 blogger per day (I think the rules say you can pick a bunch though)
So Kerry – I’d like to nominate you today! https://kerryvsfertility.wordpress.com
You can find Cyans blog here: https://almostpregnant.blog/home/
Thank you so much to everyone that’s taking part in the Mug Swap – I’ve sent out all the emails today and am just waiting on a few replies – so hopefully everyone will have a new mug/new follower/new friend on the way soon! Please do share the pictures somewhere so we can all have a look once you get your mug!
On another note – I left you all hanging on tender hooks so I apologise, but my period came a few days ago – I was around 4 days late. Again, I felt okay. Slightly annoyed that it took 34 days to bloody get here, but I wasn’t too upset. I never cried or felt like a failure, which for a long time was a bit of a recurring thought of mine.
All in all, I’m still feeling pretty good. I’m coming to the end of my college term and I only have something like 14 days left of placement. I’m feeling mixed emotions about that – I’ll be glad to have my summer break, and to finally move on to the final part of the course in August but I’ve grown close to a lot of the children and I’m really going to miss seeing them. And the staff too – they’ve been great and really supportive throughout the past 8 months. But I guess that’s part and parcel of this course – It’s only placement – I can’t stay there forever.
Hubby’s moving on to a new job too – better pay and much closer to home (as in, walking distance) so we’ll save a bunch on travel costs plus he gets his own special added bonus of a lie in – I told him he’ll need to savour that because if we get our wish he can kiss goodbye to them for the foreseeable future!
We’ve just booked to go to Rhodes in July (I’m sure that’s almost suicide for a ginger!), and part of me is thinking “Ahhh forget about the bikini body – I could be pregnant!!”, while the other part is trying to limit my chocolate intake to – hmmm I don’t know – 4 bars a week.
Does anyone else have Summer plans?
I’m officially 2 days late. I’m hoping by saying (writing) it out loud – it will somehow jinx me and bring on a heavy flow.
I’m not saying I want my period to come – I just hate the waiting. And the constant checking of the toilet paper. Man, I miss the days of just wiping and flushing. Isn’t it funny the things you take for granted. Wiping and flushing has got to be in the top 5.
“Why don’t you just take a test Nicola?” says the voice in my head, and I’m sure some of you are thinking it too. Truth be told, I have no answer for that. Fear maybe. Risk of disappointment.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have any and it’s Sunday so I’m putting off getting dressed for as long as possible.
I don’t want to jump the gun. It is only 2 days. 99% of the time, I’m a 30 day cycle, but there’s always that 1% that likes to wind me up.
Ach maybe I’ll get dressed and buy a test.
Maybe I’ll wait.
I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!
For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!
I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)
Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!
If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com
I can’t believe I never mentioned this before. I guess my heads been in the clouds a little.
Anyway, around 2 months ago I received a notification that Hubby had nominated me for a ‘Butterfly Award’. They – amongst other things – recognise people that bring awareness to miscarriage or baby loss via blogs/books/social media/making keepsakes/etc. I’m nominated under the blogger category.
I know that my blog is pretty tiny in comparison to some – I have around 150 followers – but my husband knows how much the blog means to me. If I’ve ever had a bad day he always says to me “You should blog. It helps you”. And he’s right. It always does, and I hope it helps other people too.
If anyone is interested – you can attend the Butterfly Awards ceremony without being nominated/shortlisted. Just pop over to their facebook or website and you can purchase tickets. You can also sponsor or donate there too.
8th May 2018. My final appointment before I begin treatment. Can I scream a little? Do a dance? Or should I just smile to myself? I quite fancy the screaming if I’m honest.
My next appointment will last around an hour and we’ll do a detailed medical history and then they’ll make sure I’m emotionally stable and secure enough to have a child (my previous rants don’t count right?). Once that’s been confirmed I need to phone them on the first day of my period then BOOM. Treatment! (Unless they’re fully booked in which case I’ll go 4 weeks later).
I can’t believe we’re finally here. It’s finally happening. I have to say that it’s been incredibly quick (I.V.F wise – the whole TTC thing has felt like a lifetime at times). I had my first appointment in October and treatment will begin around June so that’s about 8months. Considering this is a free NHS provided treatment I’m pretty impressed!
**side note – I took part in another Miscarriage Association about coping (or not) with pregnancy after loss. It’s a great campaign so check it out if you’d like support/info