Happy Mug

Happy Mug

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So I received my mug a few days ago (from the MugSwap – check previous posts) and admittedly I was spoiled. The lovely Cyan from almostpregnant (I still can’t thank you enough) gave me a beautiful box with a mug – of course – with the words ‘think positive’, some snuggly socks, a cute little pineapple necklace, a flapjack, a handwritten card and these amazing IVF notecards. I still haven’t wrote in them yet, as half of me wants to fill them in so I can keep them in a little baby making/IVF memory box, but the other half is too scared to ruin them! Point is, I was seriously spoiled.

I’d had a rough day. I found out I might not get funding for my course next year which means I’ll need to use my student loan to pay my fees which of course now means I’ll need to work more days than I do now and it’s already a struggle and that’s before I’ve even started IVF.

Opening the box made me smile. And take a minute. I’ve been through so much already, I can get through this. Sure it might be a struggle and it might be hard, but this is one of those struggles where I actually have an end date. A date where the struggling and the juggling will be over.  We’re normally not the group of people who deal in certainties, but this is certain. It’ll be hard for a year, but then I’ll be qualified and working a job I love.

I have Cyan to thank for this moment of clarity. She reminded me why I started this mug swap in the first place – to show people we’re not alone in our struggles whatever they are. To show each other we’re here for support, advice or even just a listening ear. Whatever we need. And while my down day was college related and not – for once – baby related; it still gave me the same feelings of self doubt, panic and anxiety. The mug reminded me to think positive, the IVF cards reminded me I am strong and the necklace – well that reminded me to fuck it, and pour myself a pina colada!

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IVF Update

IVF Update

I admit it – I’m not feeling good. Hubby and I had another appointment yesterday and this one was pretty in depth in terms of how much information we got. I mean, it’s great to have it all..  But I think I was happier in my naive little safe bubble.

IVF wont help when it comes to miscarriages, so I might go through all this and still lose the baby.

I might over or under respond to treatment. I might not have enough good sized follicles. No 17mm follicles means no transfer. If I only have 1 17mm follicle then I can make the choice – go ahead and risk it (but it’ll count as one round) or scrap it and start the whole process again.

I might have great follicles and plenty to choose from, I might have great eggs and I can use hubbys great sperm and it still won’t work. For reasons totally unknown.

I always knew it wasn’t a guarantee but I just never realised how many ways it could NOT work.

I’ll start any time from now until July depending on when they can fit me in, so it’s really just a waiting game. Part of me wants it now, part of me is too scared for it to come.

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

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I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement. 

In my defense, I never blocked her so you know – progress. 

We used to work together and it’s not that I’m unhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. I don’t want to see the scans, the bumps, the pram, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet. 

I felt kind of down for a few minutes – Ok 10 maybe – and then do you know what? 

I was okay.  

Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it? 

It’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better. 

I know I’ve earned the right to be a little selfish sometimes. Fuck it. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Do what you want to do. 

 

28..01.2018 

Over the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some. My top 5:  

  1. I hate being around children 
  1. I hate pregnant people 
  1. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy 
  1. There must be something wrong with me – I probably just can’t carry boys. 
  1. I’m not upset anymore. It was ages ago, and it wasn’t even a baby. 

So these things come up a lot. A lot. It’s hard to break the stigma around miscarriage and I know not everyone means to be nasty or hurtful. A lot of people just don’t know what to say, or are too scared to ask so they make their own judgements. But if you’re curious – here’s my answers: 

 

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and more often than not, I find them more fun than adults. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them. 
  1. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you losing your wife or husband or you recently went through a horrendous break up – seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you for a little while – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. After a loss it’s a little difficult. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you. 
  1. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may even ignore your social media pages for a little while but, I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and I’ll deal with it in my own way. And I can be happy for you. 
  1. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Nurses don’t know. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal.  
  1. Ok so just don’t. Don’t ever tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything – just ask me. 

Anyone else deal with something similar? I know I’m not the only one!

 

 

Time

Time

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. If I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I don’t always write. I guess I should though; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I seem to talk myself out of it. I’m working on it. 

It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years ‘trying’ is a long time. It’s not only the miscarriages that I struggle with –  it’s the time. The time it takes to fall pregnant, the time it takes for your body to realise it’s not ready for that baby yet, then the time it takes to physically recover, and of course, the time it takes to emotionally recover. 

Just one pregnancy can take up the most of your year and you haven’t even had the chance to give birth yet. It’s a lot to deal with. 

It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s heart breaking, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting… the list goes on and on… 

On my bad days I go through the “What if” stage. What if I never had a miscarriage? What would my life be like now? What if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can give him a baby?  

Is this an official stage of grief? Stage 3 – crazy irrational thoughts. If it’s not, it should be. We need to know its normal to be crazy sometimes.  And of course I know it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational Ok? I worry. I get upset. I get stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Is it? Oh silly me, I didn’t realise. Well I’ll just stop being stressed then shall I? Easy! (While we’re on that subject – I’m pretty certain women in War zones still get pregnant, and Hell – they’re a lot more stressed than I am!) 

I guess in a way the actual losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through, you learn to cope with that side of things. You tell yourself there must have been a reason – you might not always know the reason – but there still is one. You try rationalise it in your head. 

But this. How do you get over always trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing? 

Insecurities

Insecurities

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Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016

It hasn’t been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….

Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.