It’s a date

Transfer number 3 booked for Thursday. I don’t have a time yet. I’m not sure how it works in other clinics, but mine gives me a 2 hour window. I’ll get a phone call on Thursday morning and they’ll give me a time to come in (with at least 2 hours notice)

I’ve started the pessaries, but I’ve been taking them the “other” way. I can’t think of a nice way of saying “up my bum”.

Last time I got thrush and my vagina was unbelievably painful, so I switched it up this time. Now the only physical side effect is a whole load of farts.

I’ve been really emotional (erratic is a more accurate description to be honest) and have been feeling a little overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to meditate more to counteract the hormones and it’s helping a little. I definitely feel more like “me” this time round.

*update* I’ve text my brother a few times. I’m not ready to see him yet, but I am making an effort to keep communication open

Oh, Brother

My brother phoned me a few minutes ago to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant.

I burst in to tears, muttered congratulations, told him I had to go and immediately hung up.

2 days before my scan and this is the phone call I get. While I’m fucking full of hormones.

It’s a reaction I haven’t experienced in so long and to be honest I’m annoyed at myself for reacting the way I did. But I can’t lie to myself. I thought it didn’t hurt as much anymore, but I guess I was wrong.

I always imagined going shopping with my mum while she browsed the rails for clothes for her first grandchild. I pictured her excitedly telling her workmates that her first grandchild was due in a few months. I love that she gets to do all this, it just hurts that it won’t be my baby she’s talking about. I know what you’re thinking; who needs a baby with me around ay?

I’m jealous. It’s horrible to admit but it’s true. It’s a shitty emotion and one that’s almost impossible to hide. How am I going to face him and act okay?

They’ve been together about a week (I’m exaggerating and being childish of course) And here’s me – married for nearly 5 years and painfully and frustratingly trying to have a baby for most of that time to no avail.

It sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. Or maybe there is? It’s shitty. It’s unfair. It hurts. It makes me feel things I hate feeling. It makes me feel like a bad person. Like a bad friend. Like a bad sister.

I know it will pass and I will be happy for them. Of course I will. I just need one night to be a little bit of a dickhead.

2nd Appointment

I had my 2nd appointment at the I.V.F clinic today. I had no idea what to expect – I kind of figured it wouldn’t be baby making time just yet but, I don’t know what’s left to do. Turns out, it’s a lot.  

I waited for like an hour in the waiting room. It was so busy. I’m not complaining about waiting (well I’m not complaining now. I was probably internally complaining a little at the time) but, I’m just so shocked at how many men and women are going through this. And that was just today! How many were there yesterday? And how many will be there tomorrow? And the next day? 

It’s kind of comforting knowing I’m not doing this alone. There’s so many of us. Of course it’s tragic, and I wish this whole miscarriage/infertility thing was just a myth – but it is kind of nice knowing you’re not in the boat alone.  

I read one of the notices they had up in the waiting room. Turns out this clinic (at the Glasgow Royal Infirmary) has the highest success rate in the whole of Scotland. Something like 168 live births from 309 embryo transfers (I think that’s the terms, I’m still not 100% sure of all of this). Those numbers may not be entirely accurate either, but it’s around that mark. 

Back to the appointment. I had an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst free and that my uterus looked good.  

“You have a lovely uterus” 

“Why thank you, it’s all my own”.  

It’s kind of strange getting compliments on your uterus, but hey – I’m a woman – a compliments a compliment. 

She showed me where I’d ovulated from this month and I could see 5 or 6 little black circles that she told me were my eggs. First scan I’ve had that’s made me smile. That’s an achievement in it’s own. 

Now all that’s left is to wait. Wait for Nikki’s results. Wait to get to the top of the list. Wait to get more blood tests. Wait to get our detailed medical history. Wait for my period. Wait for our treatment to start. 

This is all getting very very real. 

New Year. New Opportunities

I can’t believe it’s that time again. Feels like only yesterday I was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It makes me sound so old but, where does the time go? 

This year was our first Christmas Eve with Kian so we got to wake up and watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. We went all out with Christmas Eve boxes, letters from Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Elf doors, stockings and a mountain of presents but, I figured this could be the last Christmas with just the 3 of us! (Maybe overly wishful thinking but hey, it’s better being positive right?!) 

After Christmas, we took Kian to Poland for a few days, just to get away from the chaos and the craziness and all the family stuff. It’s nice for a while, but then you just want to relax! 

New Years Eve came and Nikki and I went to our local pub for a cheesy, alcohol fuelled, cheese & pickle on a stick filled karaoke night! It was great, and I promise we only drank a LITTLE too much alcohol. I have to be alcohol free during IVF, so I figured why not go out with a bang? (she says as she’s drinking a glass of wine.) 

My next I.VF. appointment is February 7th – I’m not sure what this one will entail though. Nikki still has to make his “donation”, but I hope we’ll be starting around May or June time. Only time will tell. But I feel good. 

Storks

The longer it goes on the harder I seem to be finding it.

I just wish I could click my fingers and be pregnant. One more click and I have my baby in my arms.

Or a stork? God I wish there were storks. I think they’d give me a good one.

Ups And Downs

It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. I think I say things a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the real ups and downs of all of this. Some days are definitely more shitty than others. 

I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hell’s Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out. 

We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that? 

I experience a lot of self doubt sometimes. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine ever actually being a mum. 

I started Googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Probably around 2 or 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you hear about a lot of people getting pregnant when they were shit faced on vodka don’t you? (Just look at Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’) 

Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better. 

It’s that time again

I’m slap bang in the middle of my fertile week again – according to my app, my CM AND ovulation tests (yes I’m on them again) – I haven’t ovulated yet. I think it should be around Monday so I’m expecting a positive soon..

I bought the cheapy OPKs off eBay. 20 sticks for £2.50 (which if I wanna try be multi national is prob around $4 USD – I have no idea the Canadian conversion)

Ok so slightly off topic there! We decided to try the testing again out of curiosity really. I have a pretty good idea of when I ovulate (or so I think) but we thought we’d try confirm it with these.

I actually dont feel under too much pressure this month to be honest. And I never had a freak out when AF turned up last time, which is a pretty HUGE deal for me.

Oh I’m now also waiting on results from an ultrasound scan. I have ovarian cysts and the doctors are hoping to rule out them as a factor in my miscarriages. They dont think its related but its just another thing to cross off I guess. It’s been 4 weeks so I’m getting slightly impatient mind you. But I’ll keep you all posted.

Things are good though.

Adopting a new attitude.

I was out for dinner and drinks (a lot of drinks) on Saturday night with the husband, and his aunt and uncle. They’re both in their forties  and are going through the adoption process at the minute.

They tried for a long time to have children of their own.. I think they had two or three failed IVF attempts and they mutually agreed to stop because the Clomid wasn’t doing my aunt any favours. I don’t know every detail because they don’t really discuss it a lot but I know they’ve had to deal with miscarriage too.

I was always unsure about adoption. Not that I don’t think it’s it’s wonderful thing to do.. but I just wasn’t sure it was for me. Now though,  I can see myself warming to the idea. Don’t get me wrong.. I want to continue trying naturally for a few more years,  but if it came to it.. and it wasn’t happening for us – it’s something I would definitely consider.

I don’t know if the process is different in America, but here they’ve been able to pick their age group of “0-4”. They’ve been scrutinised for a long time – their jobs, their home, their relationship with each other and with other family members.. its been a long draining process for them I think.

Their final step is to go to a panel, then if they’re approved by them.. it’ll just be a waiting game. Once a child is best matched for them, they’ll be able to bring them home.
(Fostering to begin with, then eventually adoption).

My husband said how amazing it is that in a few months time there could be a new addition to our family.. a child out there somewhere that has no idea his or her life will change for the better. They’ll be with parents that will love them so much, and welcomed in to a family that knows how important they are. It really is a beautiful thing.

Symptom tracking/imagining

It’s the last stretch of my TWW and so far I’ve had sensitive, tingly nipples, the veins on my breasts look more prominent, I’ve been tired, I’ve been getting up at night to pee, I haven’t had any of my normal PMS symptoms and it’s felt kind of ‘different’ during fun times with the husband.  

So my hopes are well and truly up this month. All the way up. 

In reality, these symptoms are probably all in my head and the little red devil will turn up bang on time this week. Judging by my past luck, this is the most likely outcome. I also HATE that I’m even thinking I might be pregnant. Hate that I’m allowing myself to get excited. Hate this whole thing. 

The FWW

I’ve just arrived at my ‘TWW’ (two week wait) and I’m reminded about how much I bloody hate it. 

Women who are actively trying for a baby know how frustrating the TWW can be.. it just seems to go on and on…and on and on.. and on. 

But – and I’m sure I’m not alone in this – its nothing compared to the FWW (four week wait). I’ve realised that the minute I get those cramps, or when I pee and there’s a hint of red on the paper; when my period annoyingly arrives – I’ve began my countdown. 

Ok, so I’m still not pregnant… now what? 

Countdown to Aunt Flo’ pissing off, taking with her the constant reminder of the fact I’m not pregnant. 

Countdown to ovulation week which everyone tells us is supposed to be the fun part (listen, of course I have fun during the stuff,  but there’s still all this underlying pressure about if we’re doing it at the right time and if we’re doing it enough, and if we should be doing it upside down or back to front or inside out – wait, I’ve went off course I think). 

Countdown to the week your period is due. Trying to read signs. Am I cramping? Am I emotional? How’s my skin looking? Am I craving chocolate  (Hell, I’m ALWAYS craving chocolate) 

My period should be here now. I’m late. Good. Or is it? I’m not always regular. I’m getting my hopes up. I’m now 2 days late. Am I pregnant? 3 days late. Nope. Is that a spot? Crap, I’m cramping. I’m spotting. Great, here she bloody is!!! (excuse the pun) 

And, again.. The countdown starts.