It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. I think I say things a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the real ups and downs of all of this. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.
I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hell’s Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.
We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?
I experience a lot of self doubt sometimes. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine ever actually being a mum.
I started Googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Probably around 2 or 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you hear about a lot of people getting pregnant when they were shit faced on vodka don’t you? (Just look at Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’)
Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.
My period arrived this morning. About 10mins before I was about to test. She must’ve knew.
I stupidly got excited this month. Even after promising myself I wouldn’t. Even after pretending everything was hunky dory. I was utterly convinced. I ran to my friends car yesterday and had to hold my boobs to stop them hurting. That is not normal for me. I have tiny boobs. Going in to the bath last night, they felt heavy and sore. It was a sure fire sign that I was pregnant.
It’s been 18months of this and I really don’t know if I can keep going. Every month I hope and I pray that we’ve done it and it either doesn’t happen; or it happens and we lose it.
I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I want more than anything to be a mum, but the sinking, empty feeling I get is horrendous. I feel like such a failure.
Why is this so hard for me?
The Miscarriage Association is an organisation based in the UK that helps people understand/get through a miscarriage. I was referred to them through my local hospital and they’ve been brilliant.
If you haven’t been on their site, you should absolutely go check them out. I myself submitted my story (12 weeks) to them and it was published in their Spring Summer newsletter. It came through yesterday and while my husband and i had a cry re-reading it, it made us both so proud that our story is out there. Helping women see that there’s a way out from all the pain.
(Anyone that’s not based in the UK – I would still check the website out btw)
On a different note. I’m due tomorrow. This is CD31 and so far I’ve had a bit of a cold, slight increase in hunger and my boobs are a little sore. They feel a bit heavier…. its not enough to get excited about of course, just enough for me to notice. (Which to be honest will prob end up getting me excited anyway before my bloody period turns up a day late)
I think we were pretty successful with the OPKs this month. I say ‘think’ because I got a positive over two days, but I read a few things and apparently that can happen and you should just go with your first. CD18 which is pretty much bang on the average for my cycle. Thinking back on previous months, I might have been doing it a little bit too early? So maybe I have been doing it wrong this whole time? Wouldn’t that be just bloody great………
Anyway I think i’ll stick with the testing for a few months – it means I won’t always wonder “have I ovulated? Have we missed it?” and I can stop with the CM checking because if I’m entirely honest – it grosses me out a little.
My phantom symptoms so far have been – 1.Cramps…
3. Irrational emotional outbreaks. (mainly tears for no good reason)
I’m now on CD27 and Im not taking any of the above seriously. Oh no, I’m not THAT stupid. I’ve learned my lesson thank you very much. Numerous times I may add.
On a side note – its been 5 weeks since my ultrasound (where they checked the cyst on my ovary) and i STILL have yet to hear anything. It’s starting to piss me off a bit now…. Im pretty sure there’s absolutely nothing to worry about, but there’s always a wee niggle isn’t there??
I’m slap bang in the middle of my fertile week again – according to my app, my CM AND ovulation tests (yes I’m on them again) – I haven’t ovulated yet. I think it should be around Monday so I’m expecting a positive soon..
I bought the cheapy OPKs off eBay. 20 sticks for £2.50 (which if I wanna try be multi national is prob around $4 USD – I have no idea the Canadian conversion)
Ok so slightly off topic there! We decided to try the testing again out of curiosity really. I have a pretty good idea of when I ovulate (or so I think) but we thought we’d try confirm it with these.
I actually dont feel under too much pressure this month to be honest. And I never had a freak out when AF turned up last time, which is a pretty HUGE deal for me.
Oh I’m now also waiting on results from an ultrasound scan. I have ovarian cysts and the doctors are hoping to rule out them as a factor in my miscarriages. They dont think its related but its just another thing to cross off I guess. It’s been 4 weeks so I’m getting slightly impatient mind you. But I’ll keep you all posted.
Things are good though.