Misconceptions

Misconceptions

myths-facts-about-seoOver the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some of them with you. My top 5 (by top, I of course mean the most frustrating/hurtful):

  1. I hate being around children
  2. I hate pregnant people
  3. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy
  4. There must be something wrong with me – I probably can’t carry boys.
  5. I’m not upset anymore. Afterall, it was ages ago, and it was just a foetus. It wasn’t even a baby.

So these things come up a lot. Believe me. A lot. I always feel I’m constantly having to justify myself, or give people appropriate answers for their questions. So from now on, I’m going to direct them here –

So here’s your answers folks!

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and to be honest – more often than not, I find them more fun than adults and enjoy being around them. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them.
  2. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you lost your wife or your husband, or you very recently split up with your partner- seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you.
  3. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for 3 years – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may unfollow you for a bit.. but I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and dealing with it in my own way. And i can be happy.
  4. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal. I just happen to struggle a little more than you do.
  5. Ok so just don’t. Don’t EVER tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don;t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything– just ask me.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? People tip-toing around you, or people making assumptions? Let me know!

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Twisted Cyst 

Twisted Cyst 

So I’m pretty angry. Fuming actually. I had an ovarian cyst discovered about two and a half years ago, and at the time it was decided that it wasn’t affecting my fertility or causing my miscarriages.

Fast forward about a year and after various other tests they decided that they would remove it as a precaution. I received an appointment over a year ago but had to cancel as I was pregnant. Obviously that ended in a loss so I called back to reschedule and heard nothing.

At my MRI 4 months ago it was measured again. It had grown to 5x5x6cm. I never knew this. I was never told it had grew. I still never got an appointment.

Around a week ago i had awful pain in my stomach – like an intense stabbing pain that would turn into severe cramps and back to stabbing again over and ovet again. The level of pain went from about a 3 out of 10 to about a 7.. it was bearable, but it was never ok.

I somehow managed to pop some painkillers and sleep it off until I woke the next morning in agony. Pain I’ve never felt before..I went to A&E but the pain had subsided by the time I got there, So they took my BP and bloods and sent me home.

Next day – same thing. The pain came back. It was worse. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t do anything. I was in tears. No-one was home so I called Nikki at work and he told me to call an ambulance and get back to A&E and he would meet me there.

After pleading with them to do something, the doctors agreed to scan me. It was discovered my cyst had grown to at least 8cm, and had twisted around my fallopian tube causing that to become swollen and of course.. causing me to be bloody agony!

The doctor cooly explained that I would need inmediate surgery and probably need to have my ovary removed. I immediately burst into tears. He tried to reassure me but it was useless. I couldnt think logically or calmy. I was frightened and sore and upset. All i could think was why was this happening?! Why me?

I woke up after my surgery and was told that i didnt need my tube removed and only a small part of my ovary was removed meaning it should work normally.

The surgeon told me the cyst wasn’t helping matters when it came to TTC or my miscarriages.

I feel I was forgotten about. Did this cause long-term damage?

 

 

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

First off I have to apologise for not updating/reading up on everyones blog. I have no excuse, so I’m sorry. I WILL go back and catch up with all ur posts. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was ill during my fertile week so we took it easy. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC clinic the other day and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. The specialist agrees that it isn’t normal to have this many losses for NO reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant and she’s booked me in for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. She thinks possibly a septate or bicornuate uterus COULD be a reason for the losses. It’s pretty rare, but its worth getting the tests. She also thinks if I make it to the 7/8 week mark, I might benefit from Clexane injections – just as another thing to try. I’m telling her to fling everything my way – hey, I pay my taxes!

I feel like we’re not being ignored anymore.. that the doctors are willing to help us more now. The only thing left to do now is get pregnant! Funnily enough that’s actually the thing I feel most relaxed about. Although that could be because its ovulation week and I always feel a little more *cough* “relaxed” at this time!!

When to stop?

When to stop?

I know in my head that I can’t keep trying forever. Physically its impossible, and emotionally -well I don’t know how much longer I can go.

Should I give myself an end date? Should I keep going until I physically can’t? Should I stop when I’m emotionally worn out, or will there be too much damage already done? 

I’ve just began a new cycle. I feel exhausted and its barely even started. 

My present

My present

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have started a miscarriage blog and have 100 people reading it. I had no idea I would have to undertake tests, book acupuncture appointments and spend months researching tips on how to have a full term pregnancy. In fact, “full term pregnancy” wasn’t even in my vocabulary – it was just pregnancy. A simple straightforward word.

I sometimes try imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a beautiful house, with 2 kids – (stepson and one biological one), financially secure and happy, and then I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future is going to bring – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.

So, as I sit in a hotel room waiting to visit Poland for my 30th birthday, all I can do is forget about my past; stop picturing my future and just try enjoy my present.

Miscarriage & Media

Miscarriage & Media

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)

(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)

Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!

I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together.

Later on I thought some more about it.

I  sat on the train home and thought about the past few years, and thought about the people on here that I’ve spoke to and read about, and do you know what I realised? How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah..I can. And I will!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sympathy or pity?

Sympathy or pity?

I hate being pitied. People that tilt their head and lower their eyes if I ask them about their pregnancy. Like they’re afraid to show any kind of excitement incase I throw something at their glowing face.

I despise the “hang in there” and “it’ll happen eventually” comments. One colleague even jokingly said she was going to start a GoFund Me Page for my crushing infertility. (At least I hope she was fucking joking)

When I corrected her and told her I wasn’t actually struggling with infertility she was baffled and questioned “so what is wrong with you”?.. Well luckily for you it’s not my inability to control my temper or reward stupidity with a swift kick to the shin.

Listen, I totally appreciate people that sympathise or empathise with me. People that have genuine questions about miscarriages or the affects they’ve had on me. If you’re one of them then I have all the time in the world, but please do not bloody pity me. Please don’t think I am any less of a woman for not having a child. Please don’t think that I am so obsessed with getting pregnant that it’s the only thing I want to talk to you about. I’m a woman for fucks sake, compliment my hair or something.