It’s been a difficult few weeks and I just haven’t had the heart to write. Hubbys contracted hours were halved literally overnight so we had to come to terms with the fact we’re going to be making a LOT less. I work sessional hours so I have no guaranteed hours but I’m trying my hardest to accept whatever and whenever. We go on holiday in 3 weeks and we still don’t have everything saved up. The last thing I want to do is be relaxing on a beach telling Kian we don’t have enough money for his ice cream cone. (OK so maybe it’s not that extreme but still… I’m an excessive panic)
I got my period last week. But of couree I STILL can’t get an appointment for this cycle. I’ll be in Greece when my injections are due so now I need to wait until August. Fuck.
Also. Why am I still not pregnant naturally? If there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be falling then why the hell is it not happening?
So I received my mug a few days ago (from the MugSwap – check previous posts) and admittedly I was spoiled. The lovely Cyan from almostpregnant (I still can’t thank you enough) gave me a beautiful box with a mug – of course – with the words ‘think positive’, some snuggly socks, a cute little pineapple necklace, a flapjack, a handwritten card and these amazing IVF notecards. I still haven’t wrote in them yet, as half of me wants to fill them in so I can keep them in a little baby making/IVF memory box, but the other half is too scared to ruin them! Point is, I was seriously spoiled.
I’d had a rough day. I found out I might not get funding for my course next year which means I’ll need to use my student loan to pay my fees which of course now means I’ll need to work more days than I do now and it’s already a struggle and that’s before I’ve even started IVF.
Opening the box made me smile. And take a minute. I’ve been through so much already, I can get through this. Sure it might be a struggle and it might be hard, but this is one of those struggles where I actually have an end date. A date where the struggling and the juggling will be over. We’re normally not the group of people who deal in certainties, but this is certain. It’ll be hard for a year, but then I’ll be qualified and working a job I love.
I have Cyan to thank for this moment of clarity. She reminded me why I started this mug swap in the first place – to show people we’re not alone in our struggles whatever they are. To show each other we’re here for support, advice or even just a listening ear. Whatever we need. And while my down day was college related and not – for once – baby related; it still gave me the same feelings of self doubt, panic and anxiety. The mug reminded me to think positive, the IVF cards reminded me I am strong and the necklace – well that reminded me to fuck it, and pour myself a pina colada!
I’m pissed off. Two days ago I got my period and I was so ridiculously excited that I double wiped just to make sure it wasn’t a false alarm. It wasn’t, so I called the IVF place and asked them to book me in for my day 21 scan. Done. Sorted. It’s in the diary.
Hubby asked if he was to come to and I honestly had no idea so I called them back the next day. This was my mistake.
“Have you started treatment yet?”
“No” I said. “I’m getting scanned in a few weeks.”
“You can’t book a scan before you commence your treatment cycle. You need to phone and ask us to book your treatment cycle”
“Ummm ok. So, can I book my treatment cycle?”
Then in her shitty holier than thou attitude, she said “Well not here you can’t, no. You’ll need to phone a different number and you’ve probably missed it now. You’ll most likely need to book in on your next period. This time please make sure you ask for a treatment cycle and not a scan”.
What’s the bloody difference? Surely you can see what I have and haven’t had done yet? Surely you know the bloody steps I need to take? Surely you can not be such an arsehole and just bloody book me in for whatever I need! Why is this so flippin’ confusing?
I have another 4 bloody weeks of waiting now – at least – and then another 3 weeks on top of that. How can I go from having an appointment to start treatment to having absolutely nothing in the space of a day?
I admit it – I’m not feeling good. Hubby and I had another appointment yesterday and this one was pretty in depth in terms of how much information we got. I mean, it’s great to have it all.. But I think I was happier in my naive little safe bubble.
IVF wont help when it comes to miscarriages, so I might go through all this and still lose the baby.
I might over or under respond to treatment. I might not have enough good sized follicles. No 17mm follicles means no transfer. If I only have 1 17mm follicle then I can make the choice – go ahead and risk it (but it’ll count as one round) or scrap it and start the whole process again.
I might have great follicles and plenty to choose from, I might have great eggs and I can use hubbys great sperm and it still won’t work. For reasons totally unknown.
I always knew it wasn’t a guarantee but I just never realised how many ways it could NOT work.
I’ll start any time from now until July depending on when they can fit me in, so it’s really just a waiting game. Part of me wants it now, part of me is too scared for it to come.
I really don’t have an excuse this time. But here it is, my third and final quote (honestly, these challenges just weren’t made for me).
I was torn with this one. I really wanted to do an Atticus or Scout Finch quote – To Kill a Mockingbird is my favourite book so I thought it would be a nice tribute, but then I seen this Charles Dickens quote and felt it meant more.
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears”
I cry a lot. Not as much anymore as I used to, but still – it’s not exactly rare. I cry just before my period, I cry when I’m on my period, I cry when I see animal charity adverts, I cry when I watch films. Speaking of that; I watched ‘Gifted’ the other night (Chris Evans stars in it, and I urge you to watch it if you haven’t yet) and was in floods of tears. The neck of my t-shirt was soaking wet and covered in mascara.
I also cried a lot when I was going through my losses and cried again during my struggle to conceive. I cried thinking I was a failure. I cried when I thought about not being able to be a mum. But I’ve never been ashamed of my tears. I cried because I needed it. It was how I coped. Some people think tears are a sign of weakness but I disagree. I’m not a weak person because I cry. If anything, it makes me stronger. I don’t hide my emotions – I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I hurt, and I’m not always okay. I believe showing your emotions takes an incredible amount of strength.
Don’t ever be ashamed of something that helps you cope… Of something that’s part of you.
There’s me talking about how the 3 day challenge is so much easier to stick to and how excited I was to do it, and suddenly I’m 4 days in and only have 1 quote!
My excuses – work, college, weekend, wine(s), a really good film, a christening and a birthday. I think you should let me off.
But here it is. Better late than never. Quote number 2:
“A day without laughter is a day wasted”
This was of course from the late, great Charlie Chaplin. I kind of wish I’d left this until the last day to finish on one of the greats, but I just had to put it in. I guess it sets me a challenge for tomorrow right?
Anyway, this quote. It’s a good one isn’t it? We need to laugh. We need to smile. And we need to remember that no matter what we’re going through, there’s always a reason to be happy. My husband makes me laugh. A lot. My friends silly texts make me giggle. Sticking on a stand up comedy or an episode of Friends does it for me too. Catching my dog trying desperately to catch her tail. Watching Kian pretend he’s a stuntman at the park. In all honesty it took me a while to see it, but everywhere I look there’s reasons to laugh and smile and just be happy.
What are some things that make you laugh?
The quote-a-day challenge. I’ve not long been introduced to it, and I have to say I bloody adore it – it’s 3 days long so doesn’t require a huge amount of commitment like these 100 day challenges that are everywhere just now – I think I got to day 12 of the squat challenge before throwing (up) in the towel and making peace with my not so rock hard arse. Think less buns of steel and more buns of well, buns.
This challenge (which I was nominated for by Cyan – I’ll include a link to her blog if you want to give her a follow) involves picking a quote a day for 3 days and explaining why you like it and why it appeals or relates to you. So here goes. My first one is by – of course – Maya Angelou (coincidentally Cyan also picked a Ms Angelou quote!)
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from and how you can still come out of it”
I think we can all relate to this one. The past few years I’ve often felt I’ve been dealt a pretty shitty hand. It’s been hard to stay positive and find the good in things. I mean what good comes out of losing a baby?
But over time I’ve come to see how resilient I am. I can see that no matter how many times I’m down and feel like giving up; I will always get back up again. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for all my losses. I’m more compassionate, more considerate, more honest. My relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. I find the small stuff doesn’t get me down as much anymore. I bounce back quicker. When I fall, I rise so much higher now.
So that’s my quote. I believe there IS a reason I’m going through all of this and I can either agonise over trying to understand it, or I can accept it and live my life. I will not be defeated.
Thank you so much Cyan for nominating me. I’ll stick with nominating 1 blogger per day (I think the rules say you can pick a bunch though)
So Kerry – I’d like to nominate you today! https://kerryvsfertility.wordpress.com
You can find Cyans blog here: https://almostpregnant.blog/home/
Thank you so much to everyone that’s taking part in the Mug Swap – I’ve sent out all the emails today and am just waiting on a few replies – so hopefully everyone will have a new mug/new follower/new friend on the way soon! Please do share the pictures somewhere so we can all have a look once you get your mug!
On another note – I left you all hanging on tender hooks so I apologise, but my period came a few days ago – I was around 4 days late. Again, I felt okay. Slightly annoyed that it took 34 days to bloody get here, but I wasn’t too upset. I never cried or felt like a failure, which for a long time was a bit of a recurring thought of mine.
All in all, I’m still feeling pretty good. I’m coming to the end of my college term and I only have something like 14 days left of placement. I’m feeling mixed emotions about that – I’ll be glad to have my summer break, and to finally move on to the final part of the course in August but I’ve grown close to a lot of the children and I’m really going to miss seeing them. And the staff too – they’ve been great and really supportive throughout the past 8 months. But I guess that’s part and parcel of this course – It’s only placement – I can’t stay there forever.
Hubby’s moving on to a new job too – better pay and much closer to home (as in, walking distance) so we’ll save a bunch on travel costs plus he gets his own special added bonus of a lie in – I told him he’ll need to savour that because if we get our wish he can kiss goodbye to them for the foreseeable future!
We’ve just booked to go to Rhodes in July (I’m sure that’s almost suicide for a ginger!), and part of me is thinking “Ahhh forget about the bikini body – I could be pregnant!!”, while the other part is trying to limit my chocolate intake to – hmmm I don’t know – 4 bars a week.
Does anyone else have Summer plans?
I’m officially 2 days late. I’m hoping by saying (writing) it out loud – it will somehow jinx me and bring on a heavy flow.
I’m not saying I want my period to come – I just hate the waiting. And the constant checking of the toilet paper. Man, I miss the days of just wiping and flushing. Isn’t it funny the things you take for granted. Wiping and flushing has got to be in the top 5.
“Why don’t you just take a test Nicola?” says the voice in my head, and I’m sure some of you are thinking it too. Truth be told, I have no answer for that. Fear maybe. Risk of disappointment.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have any and it’s Sunday so I’m putting off getting dressed for as long as possible.
I don’t want to jump the gun. It is only 2 days. 99% of the time, I’m a 30 day cycle, but there’s always that 1% that likes to wind me up.
Ach maybe I’ll get dressed and buy a test.
Maybe I’ll wait.
I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!
For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!
I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)
Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!
If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com