I’m not pregnant this month, and I have to tell you…. I’m relieved.

Ok, I know that sounds bad considering for the past 3 years I’ve been writing about how much I want to be pregnant.

But I’ll explain. I’m due to start my first round of I.V.F in May or June and I worry that if I do get pregnant I’ll go back down to the bottom of the list. (Bear in mind, being pregnant doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll have baby)

Secondly, I’ve just been accepted to my 2nd year of studying, after which I’ll be qualified. So if I fell pregnant now, I’d feel like it was a bit of a waste. (That’s selfish, I know it is. I know it. But do you know what? I WANT to qualify, I WANT to be able to get a better paying job to provide for my baby when she or he comes and I’m not ashamed of that. (Well, maybe a tiny bit)

I’m all too aware this sounds bad – believe me – and I know that deep down, I’d probably be over the moon if it were to happen but I feel like I kind of have a plan now and I’m trying to stick to it.

Of course, having a baby NEVER sticks to a plan does it? (We know that all too well don’t we?)


Moving Forward

Moving Forward

I have my final I.V.F appointment in a few weeks. When I say final, I mean before I officially start the process. So final definitely isn’t the right word I guess.

Hubbys results came back and everything was good. We kind of assumed as much, seeing that he has Kian, and we have been pregnant a fair amount of times.

So it’s all go from here. I’ll get some more blood tests and they want conformation of my rubella immunisation and an up-to-date smear. I have all those boxes ticked so it’s really just a waiting game now.

I feel so much more relaxed now. I haven’t felt that pressure to ‘try’ and I’ve barely checked my app. (I used to check it all the time to see when we last tried, or when ovulation week was coming up, or when my P.M.S symptoms started. I was like a woman possessed!)

So yeah, it’s all good. I still hate having to work the 12 hour shifts and go to college and study and try make time for Kian, hubby and make time for myself  – but hey – most women juggle these things. Things could be (and have been) a lot worse.

**side note** I somehow cracked my computer screen and I’m trying to type this with extremely poor visibility so I apologise for any typos 🙂



I’ve had this blog for nearly 3 years now and for the most part – I guess I’ve remained pretty anonymous. I thought maybe it’d be nice to open up and show you all ‘me’ – not just the miscarriage, infertility .. but the regular everyday me. So here goes.

My name’s Nicola, I’m 31 and I live in a small town just outside of Glasgow, Scotland. I think most people know that, but hey; it’s a starting point. I love being Scottish – I’m proud of our little country, and there really is no-one quite like the Glaswegians! I’m married – (you’re probably familiar with Nikki and my stepson Kian.) We have a dog – Kyla. She’s beautiful and just an absolute sweetheart. We had a snake called Abaddon (I mainly called him snakey to be honest) but he died and I cried a little.

I work part-time in a care home and I’m studying Early Education and Childcare at college full time. I’ll be qualified next June, which seems an eternity away. But then again, I feel like I’ve blinked and the last 3 years has gone in a minute.

I LOVE to travel and we try do it as much as time and money allows us. We’ve been to England, Berlin, Paris, Krakow, Cuba and Barcelona together and we’re off to Montenegro in Summer. Costa Rica and Nashville are the next ones on our list – but that’s going to be some big time saving so I imagine in between all the other stuff going on, it’ll take a few years. I regularly fantasise about winning big and spending the next few years travelling the World. Sadly, the most I’ve won is a tenner which barely gets me in to Glasgow city centre.

I love music – pretty much any kind – but top 5 would be: 1.Alice Cooper 2.Dolly Parton 3.Shinedown 4.Eminem (old school of course) 5.SIA (these change regularly depending what mood I’m in.. I mean, Celine Dion and Elvis have to be in there sometimes too)

I have – I think – 27 tattoos. I’ve always loved them. I’m torn between being a leather wearing, tatted rock star to wearing floral dresses, cowboy boots and chilling out at the Bluebird cafe (I wish).

I love going to see shows, going out for nice food, reading crime/thriller books, and watching a fair mix of decent & terrible T.V! Ru Pauls Drag Race is my number 1 guilty pleasure at the moment. (and hubbys too, shhh!)

I guess that’s the main things. Anything else you’d like to know – just ask. Let’s get to know each other. Hope you all feel like you know me a little better now. I’ve put some photos on as well so you can finally put a proper face to the person! So yeah.. Hi everyone!file__storage_emulated_0_WhatsApp_Media_WhatsApp Images_IMG-20180101-WA0040file__storage_emulated_0_Pictures_Instagram_IMG_20170728_180114_015file__storage_emulated_0_WhatsApp_Media_WhatsApp Images_IMG-20180101-WA0006IMG-20170418-WA0009file__storage_emulated_0_Pictures_Instagram_IMG_20170425_110604_703




So I naively thought I.V.F would be simple – I mean; I guess I knew it was a long, difficult process but I think I chose to overlook that part just so I could revel in the excitement for a while.

But now that it’s approaching, I’m starting to worry a little.

I don’t know how I’m going to manage college and studying full-time, working part-time (12 hour shifts), look for a new house and attend all my I.VF. appointments. I don’t know how I’ll cope with injecting myself. I don’t know how I’ll deal with the side effects of  the treatment. I don’t know how I’ll deal with the in between stages – the waiting. I don’t know how the hell I’ll cope if I do all of this and it still fails??

Someone please sprinkle some positivity on me.



My period arived this morning.

I’m okay with it. I’m feeling so positive this year that I genuinely don’t feel as shitty anymore when she comes to visit.

My biggest thing now is that I just don’t get it. I don’t get how I can fall pregnant 4 times in 2 years, how I can ovulate every month, how I can have “great eggs and a great uterus” (doctors words remember), how I can haveno medical reasons for not falling pregnant, yet in the last 16months I haven’t been able to.

Now, like I said.. I’m still feeling positive that with IVF, we’ll have our baby soon – but I still can’t help but question things. What’s changed? There has to be something doesn’t there?




I’m usually not a huge fan of Valentines Day. I think people are pressured in to doing something and if they dont… well, your partner obviously doesn’t love you enough. Its unfair.

But! And it’s a big but. Over the past few years we’ve realised how important it is to show each other how much we appreciate and love the other person, so we try do something. (I still don’t agree with restaurants over charging you though!)

There’s a shop in the UK called Marks&Spencers that does a great wee “dine in for £20”. You get a starter,main,side,dessert,chocolates AND a bottle on wine. Sorted.

Without getting in to a detailed critic type review, let’s just say it was beautiful. We sat on a blanket on the floor, the room was candlelit and Andrea Bocelli echoed through the soundbar. After dinner we made love on the floor – something we hadn’t done in so long. (Is that tmi? I mean, everyone knows we do it but maybe that was oversharing)

But it really was lovely. I think it’s something we both really needed.

I.V.F – Appointment no.2

I.V.F – Appointment no.2

I had my 2nd appointment at the I.V.F clinic today. I had no idea what to expect – I kind of figured it wouldn’t be baby making time just yet, but what else was there to do?

So, I waited for like an hour in the waiting room. It was SO busy. I’m not complaining about waiting (well I’m not complaining …now... I was probably internally complaining a little at the time), but I’m just so shocked at how many men and women are going through this. And that was just today! How many were there yesterday? And how many will be there tomorrow? And the next day?

It’s kind of comforting knowing I’m not doing this alone. There’s so many of us. Of course it’s tragic, and I wish this whole miscarriage/infertility thing was just a myth – but it is kind of nice knowing you’re not in the boat alone. There are people that know exactly how you feel.

I read one of the notices they had up in the waiting room. Turns out this clinic (at the Glasgow Royal Infirmary) has the highest success rate in the whole of Scotland. Something like 168 live births from 309 embryo transfers (I think that’s the terms, I’m still not 100% sure of all of this). Those numbers may not be entirely accurate either, but it’s around that mark.

Ok, so back to the appointment. I had an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst free and that my uterus looked good. “You have a lovely uterus”.. “Why thank you, it’s all mine”. It’s kind of strange getting compliments on your uterus, but hey – I’m a woman – a compliments a compliment.

She showed me where I’d ovulated from this month and I could see 5 or 6 little black circles that she told me were my eggs. I was totally amazed by this. She thinks I’m a great candidate – good egg reserve, and of course age is on my side (I’m 31).

So now we wait. Wait for Nikkis sperm results. Wait to get to the top of the list. Wait to start our treatment.

Hopefully around March or April. Jeez. That’s like.. next month.. this is all getting very very real.



myths-facts-about-seoOver the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some of them with you. My top 5 (by top, I of course mean the most frustrating/hurtful):

  1. I hate being around children
  2. I hate pregnant people
  3. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy
  4. There must be something wrong with me – I probably can’t carry boys.
  5. I’m not upset anymore. Afterall, it was ages ago, and it was just a foetus. It wasn’t even a baby.

So these things come up a lot. Believe me. A lot. I always feel I’m constantly having to justify myself, or give people appropriate answers for their questions. So from now on, I’m going to direct them here –

So here’s your answers folks!

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and to be honest – more often than not, I find them more fun than adults and enjoy being around them. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them.
  2. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you lost your wife or your husband, or you very recently split up with your partner- seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you.
  3. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for 3 years – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may unfollow you for a bit.. but I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and dealing with it in my own way. And i can be happy.
  4. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal. I just happen to struggle a little more than you do.
  5. Ok so just don’t. Don’t EVER tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don;t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything– just ask me.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? People tip-toing around you, or people making assumptions? Let me know!



I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement.

In my defence, i never blocked her so.. ya know..  progress.

I used to work with her and it’s not that I’m UNhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. The scans, the bumps, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet.

I was a bit down for a few minutes – ok 10 maybe -and then do you know what?

I was okay. Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But do you know something? I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I wont sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that HAS to be a good thing doesn’t it?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better.

*Btw, i don’t unfollow everyone that falls pregnant.. just the occasional one or two*



In the words of Bob Dylan – “The times they are a-changing”

3 years ago, Nikki and I were preparing for our wedding (25th January will be our anniversary). We had only recently found out about my pregnancy, and I was probably busy looking at prams and googling ‘Traditional Scottish baby names’. In hindsight I was probably a little too eager, but come on, this was 3 years ago. Miscarriage was barely in my vocabulary.

I was working for a residential care home; a job I enjoyed, but didn’t quite love. I worked 6 days a week, but earned an alright wage and was on course to get a pretty good deal on maternity pay.

We lived in a flat in Clydebank, that none of us particularly liked, as we couldn’t see Kian and our little one growing up there.

Fast forward 3 years and I left my work and went back to college to study Early Education and Childcare. Nikki and I moved in with my mum to save for our own place (which has its ups and downs – but mostly ups), we still have Kian every Fri-Mon so space is a little tight but we make it work! I now have a few more tattoos, shaved half my hair (did I ever mention that? I’ll have to show you guys one time), and I’m prob about 7-10lbs heavier, but some of that is ‘boob’ weight so its not all bad!

And of course we have 4 miscarriages behind us. Our first baby would be turning 3 this year. But I can’t think like that. I’d be rhyming off ages every other month if I lived like that. They will always be in my heart, and I’ll never forget any of the babies I’ve lost, but if it wasn’t for those losses, my life wouldn’t be where it is now.

I’d probably still be in my care home job, we’d be living in an area we hated, we’d have a beautiful baby – but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’d be happy. A baby doesn’t make you happy. Our losses inspired us to do more – it gave us a kick up the arse. We’re preparing to set up home in a nicer area, we’ve spent so much quality time together as ac couple, we’ve travelled more than we ever thought we would. We’re happy.

Now l’m not saying losing the babies was a good thing – of course it wasn’t. It was horrible. But what I am saying is; it doesn’t need to dictate my life anymore. I can still be happy… WE are allowed to be happy.

For anyone going through a miscarriage – it doesn’t need to signal the end of something. Maybe it could be your start of something new.

I would still love my story to have a baby in it. I would still love to watch our child grow and develop and learn. I would still love to walk my son or daughter to school….  but IF I cant.. Well I guess I’ll just need to edit my story a little.