Assisted Conception

Assisted Conception


Well folks.. I’ve hit the year mark. One year since I was last pregnant. I literally ran to my doctors to tell him TO GET ME ON SOME SORT OF LIST!! (That was actually my words by the way. “Some sort of list”)

Anyway, he was wonderful (I’ve moved house so I have a new GP and I honestly believe he actually likes his job because he is unbelievably nice and helpful)

I now have appointments for my blood to be taken, my hubby has his appointment, i have to go see the nurses at the assisted conception unit.. It’s all go from here..

They test to see if I’m ovulating (I tried to tell him i know I am, but they need proof) and then hopefully they’ll do artificial insemination first before IVF. But again, I’ll have another long wait. My doctor told me to keep banging them out (ok he never used that term, he’s a professional for goodness sake) .. but I’ve to keep trying in the meantime. 

I’m giving myself until 35. I know it’s not old, but that’ll be 8 years of my life and to be honest.. that’s enough. That’s a long time to have this cloud hanging over you.

But no. That sounds negative. Im all positive positive positive today. This WILL happen!

*my husband is really looking forward to the whole sperm in a cup part of the testing* ūüėāūüėā

 (the one time being a man is harder! – no pun intended) 

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IVF?

IVF?

So next month will mark a year since I was last pregnant. 

I’ll be 31 in November so while I know I’m not particularly old, I know that time is ticking on

Can anyone offer advice? Would I qualify for IVF even though I’ve been pregnant before.. multiple times, but never had a successful one. I don’t want to keep hoping for a miracle for another 3 years… If I need help, I’d want to get it as soon as I can. 

So yea.. any IVF women, I’d love to hear from you! (I live in Scotland, so I’m guessing things will be different here than U.S etc but I’d still appreciate any advice!)

Twisted Cyst 

Twisted Cyst 

So I’m pretty angry. Fuming actually. I had an ovarian cyst discovered about two and a half years ago, and at the time it was decided that it wasn’t affecting my fertility or causing my miscarriages. 

Fast forward about a year and after various other tests they decided that they would remove it as a precaution. I received an appointment over a year ago but had to cancel as I was pregnant. Obviously that ended in a loss so I called back to reschedule and heard nothing.

At my MRI 4 months ago it was measured again. It had grown to 5x5x6cm. I never knew this. I was never told it had grew. I still never got an appointment.

Around 2 weeks ago I had excruciating abdominal pain but didn’t bother going to A&E as I thought it was severe constipation (I felt it would be a bit silly) I took painkillers, fell asleep and the pain went away.

Last weekend the pain came back and went from about a 3 out of 10 to about a 6.. it was bearable and again I didn’t think much of it. Tuesday morning I was in agony. Pain I’ve never experienced before…honestly it was horrendous. My husband took me to A&E as he was worried it was appendicitis. The pain had subsided by the time I got there, So they took BP and bloods and sent me home.

Wednesday morning, the pain came back. It was even worse. I couldn’t move, couldn’t get dressed, couldn’t do anything. I was in tears. No-one was home so I called Nikki and he told me to call an ambulance and get back to A&E

So.. I arrived at A&E, was given morphine and it done NOTHING for my pain so without prolonging it anymore, they referred me to gyno and gave me an ultrasound (they were aware of my cyst all along as it’s in my notes) and discovered my cyst had grown to at least 8cm, was a dermoid cyst and had twisted around my fallopian tube causing that to become swollen and was now preventing me going to the bathroom and was very obviously causing the pain

The doctor explained that I would probably need to have my ovary removed. I burst into tears. He tried to reassure me but I felt so sore, exhausted, frustrated and upset. Why was this happening?!

The surgery happened on Thursday afternoon and thankfully only a small part of my ovary was removed meaning it should work normally. The surgeon agreed it definitely wasn’t helping matters when it came to TTC or my miscarriages. I feel as if I was lied to for so long and basically forgotten about. It should’ve been removed long before now.

I’m so relieved it’s out and the pain is gone now. I obviously have post surgery pain but it’s nothing like I felt before. I just feel so angry now.

**disclaimer- the nurses in the gyno ward were fantastic by the way! I had the absolute best care and this is is no way directed at them**

Bloggers block

Bloggers block

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’m almost certain I’ve started a post with yhat sentence before. Sometimes if there’s not much to report, or I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I won’t blog. I should; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I talk myself out of it. I’m working on it.

It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years TTC is a long time believe me. It’s not just the miscarriages that takes it toll.. it’s the time. I know that sounds ridiculous, but let me explain it better.

Say it takes me 9 or 10 months to fall pregnant. I miscarry around 6 weeks. I then allow my body to heal physically and have at least 1 normal cycle and then I start the TTC process again. That’s adding up to years. I’m not falling pregnant every 2-3months…its taking a long time, and then when I do.. I lose it. It’s frustrating, draining, heart breaking, stressful, exhausting, annoying… the list goes on.

I then go through the “what if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can just pop em out”. Of course it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational. I worry. I get upset and stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Ok great so now I’m even MORE stressed.

The losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through… but this.. how do you get over trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing?

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

RMC Clinic – 3rd time lucky!

First off I have to apologise for not updating/reading up on everyones blog. I have no excuse, so I’m sorry. I WILL go back and catch up with all ur posts. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year.

Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was ill during my fertile week so we took it easy. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC clinic the other day and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. The specialist agrees that it isn’t normal to have this many losses for NO reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant and she’s booked me in for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. She thinks possibly a septate or bicornuate uterus COULD be a reason for the losses. It’s pretty rare, but its worth getting the tests. She also thinks if I make it to the 7/8 week mark, I might benefit from Clexane injections – just as another thing to try. I’m telling her to fling everything my way – hey, I pay my taxes!

I feel like we’re not being ignored anymore.. that the doctors are willing to help us more now. The only thing left to do now is get pregnant! Funnily enough that’s actually the thing I feel most relaxed about. Although that could be because its ovulation week and I always feel a little more *cough* “relaxed” at this time!!

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have started a miscarriage blog and have 100 people reading it. I had no idea I would have to undertake tests, book acupuncture appointments and spend months researching tips on having a full term pregnancy.

I sometimes try imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a beautiful house, with 2 kids – (stepson and one biological one), financially secure and happy, and then I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future is going to bring – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.

So, as I sit in a hotel room waiting to visit Poland for my 30th birthday, all I can do is forget about my past; stop picturing my future and just enjoy my present.

Miscarriage & Media

Miscarriage & Media

I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned that I’m a media volunteer for The Miscarriage Association. It basically means if any journalist wants to do a story or something, they’ll contact MA who will then contact me if I’m suitable for it. I’ve only done 2 newspaper interviews – one small piece for the Scottish Sun, and one for the Saturday Herald (out this Saturday if there’s any local folks reading!)

(if it appears online I’ll pop a link on this weekend)

Anyway, the journalist doing the interview asked me what difference – if any – the miscarriages have made to my life. I’d never really thought about that before…Sure, I’m more aware of miscarriages and the struggles of trying to conceive. I know all the statistics, and about all the delightful stages of our cervical mucus, but I didn’t think she wanted to stick that in her article!

I told her that it had made my marriage stronger – in our 2 years of marriage we’ve went through more shit than most do in a lifetime and we’re still here making each other laugh and pulling through it all together… but.. and here’s one for all of us…

How bloody strong are we all? How resilient are we? I’ve became a much stronger person since my losses – I seem to be able to bounce back more than I ever thought possible. We’ve been knocked down so many times and we keep getting back up. We’ve got that end goal in sight and we’re all fighting so hard to get it. I know it’s maybe cheesy but we should all be proud of ourselves. I never thought I would be able to get through all these losses.. I never thought I would be able to keep going, but yeah..I can. And I will!

Only downside? I thought of this answer on the train journey home!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ups And Downs

Ups And Downs

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It hasn’t been the best couple of days¬†for me. If you’ve read my last post, that won’t exactly come as a surprise. I probably post a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the ups and downs of ¬†TTC. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.

I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hells Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.

We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed¬†in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?

I had the whole self doubt thing happen again. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine being a mum.

I started googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing¬†everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Very moderately i’d say – ¬†probably around¬†3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference,¬†¬†maybe it won’t. I mean, you do hear about a lot of people getting knocked up when they were shit faced on vodka. (Just look at Katherine Heigl eh?)

Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.