Me

I’ve had this blog for nearly 3 years now and for the most part – I guess I’ve remained pretty anonymous. I thought maybe it’d be nice to open up and show you all ‘me’ – not just the miscarriage, infertility .. but the regular everyday me. So here goes.

My name’s Nicola, I’m 31 and I live in a small town just outside of Glasgow, Scotland. I think most people know that, but hey; it’s a starting point. I love being Scottish – I’m proud of our little country, and there really is no-one quite like the Glaswegians! I’m married – (you’re probably familiar with Nikki and my stepson Kian.) We have a dog – Kyla. She’s beautiful and just an absolute sweetheart. We had a snake called Abaddon (I mainly called him snakey to be honest) but he died and I cried a little.

I work part-time in a care home and I’m studying Early Education and Childcare at college full time. I’ll be qualified next June, which seems an eternity away. But then again, I feel like I’ve blinked and the last 3 years has gone in a minute.

I LOVE to travel and we try do it as much as time and money allows us. We’ve been to England, Berlin, Paris, Krakow, Cuba and Barcelona together and we’re off to Montenegro or Greece in Summer. Costa Rica and Nashville are the next ones on our list – but that’s going to be some big time saving so I imagine in between all the other stuff going on, it’ll take a few years. I regularly fantasise about winning big and spending the next few years travelling the World. Sadly, the most I’ve won is a tenner which barely gets me a train to the city centre.

I love music – pretty much any kind – but top 5 would be: 1.Alice Cooper 2.Dolly Parton 3.Shinedown 4.Eminem (old school of course) 5.SIA (these change regularly depending what mood I’m in.. I mean, Celine Dion and Elvis have to be in there sometimes too)

I have – I think – 27 tattoos. I’ve always loved them. I’m torn between being a leather wearing, tatted rock star to wearing floral dresses, cowboy boots and chilling out at the Bluebird cafe (I wish).

I love going to see shows, going out for nice food, reading crime/thriller books, and watching a fair mix of decent & terrible T.V! Ru Pauls Drag Race is my number 1 guilty pleasure at the moment. (and hubbys too, shhh!)

I guess that’s the main things. Anything else you’d like to know – just ask. Let’s get to know each other. Hope you all feel like you know me a little better now. I’ve put some photos on as well so you can finally put a proper face to the person! So yeah.. Hi everyone!

Naive

So I thought I.V.F would be simple – I mean; I guess I kind of knew it was a long, hard process but I think I chose to overlook that part just so I could revel in the excitement for a while. 

But now that it’s approaching, I’m starting to worry a little. 

I worry about how I’m going to manage college and studying full-time, working 12 hour shifts in a care home, look for a new house, look after Kian 3 days a week and manage to attend all my I.VF. appointments. I worry I’ll miss college work, or will have to cancel shifts. Will be able to pay the bills if I can’t go to work? I worry about injecting myself. I worry about how I’ll deal with the side effects of  the treatment. I worry about the in-between stages – the waiting. Most of all I worry about how the hell I’ll cope if I do all of this and it still fails. 

Someone please sprinkle some positivity on me. I need it. Damnit. I was doing so well.  

Questions

My period arrived this morning and I was okay with it. I’m feeling so positive this year that I genuinely don’t feel as shitty anymore when she comes to visit. 

My biggest problem now is that I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how I can fall pregnant 4 times in 2 years, how I can ovulate every month, how I can have “great eggs and a great uterus” (doctors words remember), how I can have zero medical reasons for not falling pregnant, yet in the last 16months I haven’t been able to. 

I’m happy and confident with our I.V.F prospects but I still can’t help but question things. What’s changed? There has to be something doesn’t there? 

Valentines

I’m usually not a huge fan of Valentines Day. I think people are pressured in to doing something and if they don’t, well your partner obviously doesn’t love you enough. Its totally unfair and an unrealistic portrayal of a relationship.

But. And it’s a big but. Over the past few years we’ve realised how important it is to show each other how much we appreciate and love the other person, so we try do something for Valentines day. That doesn’t mean cards and gifts and diamonds and having dinner at an over priced restaurant.

I went to M&S and got their “Dine in for 2” Valentines special. Starter, main, side, dessert, chocolates and a bottle of wine for 20 quid! Result! I’m no food critic so I’ll just say it was bloody beautiful. We sat on a blanket on the floor, in a candlelit room and Andrea Bocelli echoed through the speakers. After dinner we kissed and made love on the floor – something we hadn’t done in so long. (Is that too much information for you? I mean, everyone knows we do it but maybe that was oversharing. But I have spoken about my double wiping habits so I don’t know where the line is anymore).

It was perfect. And it’s something we both really needed.

2nd Appointment

I had my 2nd appointment at the I.V.F clinic today. I had no idea what to expect – I kind of figured it wouldn’t be baby making time just yet but, I don’t know what’s left to do. Turns out, it’s a lot.  

I waited for like an hour in the waiting room. It was so busy. I’m not complaining about waiting (well I’m not complaining now. I was probably internally complaining a little at the time) but, I’m just so shocked at how many men and women are going through this. And that was just today! How many were there yesterday? And how many will be there tomorrow? And the next day? 

It’s kind of comforting knowing I’m not doing this alone. There’s so many of us. Of course it’s tragic, and I wish this whole miscarriage/infertility thing was just a myth – but it is kind of nice knowing you’re not in the boat alone.  

I read one of the notices they had up in the waiting room. Turns out this clinic (at the Glasgow Royal Infirmary) has the highest success rate in the whole of Scotland. Something like 168 live births from 309 embryo transfers (I think that’s the terms, I’m still not 100% sure of all of this). Those numbers may not be entirely accurate either, but it’s around that mark. 

Back to the appointment. I had an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst free and that my uterus looked good.  

“You have a lovely uterus” 

“Why thank you, it’s all my own”.  

It’s kind of strange getting compliments on your uterus, but hey – I’m a woman – a compliments a compliment. 

She showed me where I’d ovulated from this month and I could see 5 or 6 little black circles that she told me were my eggs. First scan I’ve had that’s made me smile. That’s an achievement in it’s own. 

Now all that’s left is to wait. Wait for Nikki’s results. Wait to get to the top of the list. Wait to get more blood tests. Wait to get our detailed medical history. Wait for my period. Wait for our treatment to start. 

This is all getting very very real.