Questions

Questions

My period arived this morning.

I’m okay with it. I’m feeling so positive this year that I genuinely don’t feel as shitty anymore when she comes to visit.

My biggest thing now is that I just don’t get it. I don’t get how I can fall pregnant 4 times in 2 years, how I can ovulate every month, how I can have “great eggs and a great uterus” (doctors words remember), how I can haveno medical reasons for not falling pregnant, yet in the last 16months I haven’t been able to.

Now, like I said.. I’m still feeling positive that with IVF, we’ll have our baby soon – but I still can’t help but question things. What’s changed? There has to be something doesn’t there?

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Valentines

Valentines

valentines-day-6

I’m usually not a huge fan of Valentines Day. I think people are pressured in to doing something and if they dont… well, your partner obviously doesn’t love you enough. Its unfair.

But! And it’s a big but. Over the past few years we’ve realised how important it is to show each other how much we appreciate and love the other person, so we try do something. (I still don’t agree with restaurants over charging you though!)

There’s a shop in the UK called Marks&Spencers that does a great wee “dine in for £20”. You get a starter,main,side,dessert,chocolates AND a bottle on wine. Sorted.

Without getting in to a detailed critic type review, let’s just say it was beautiful. We sat on a blanket on the floor, the room was candlelit and Andrea Bocelli echoed through the soundbar. After dinner we made love on the floor – something we hadn’t done in so long. (Is that tmi? I mean, everyone knows we do it but maybe that was oversharing)

But it really was lovely. I think it’s something we both really needed.

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

myths-facts-about-seoOver the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some of them with you. My top 5 (by top, I of course mean the most frustrating/hurtful):

  1. I hate being around children
  2. I hate pregnant people
  3. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy
  4. There must be something wrong with me – I probably can’t carry boys.
  5. I’m not upset anymore. Afterall, it was ages ago, and it was just a foetus. It wasn’t even a baby.

So these things come up a lot. Believe me. A lot. I always feel I’m constantly having to justify myself, or give people appropriate answers for their questions. So from now on, I’m going to direct them here –

So here’s your answers folks!

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and to be honest – more often than not, I find them more fun than adults and enjoy being around them. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them.
  2. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you lost your wife or your husband, or you very recently split up with your partner- seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you.
  3. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for 3 years – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may unfollow you for a bit.. but I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and dealing with it in my own way. And i can be happy.
  4. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal. I just happen to struggle a little more than you do.
  5. Ok so just don’t. Don’t EVER tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don;t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything– just ask me.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? People tip-toing around you, or people making assumptions? Let me know!

IVF?

IVF?

So next month will mark a year since I was last pregnant. 

I’ll be 31 in November so while I know I’m not particularly old, I know that time is ticking on

Can anyone offer advice? Would I qualify for IVF even though I’ve been pregnant before.. multiple times, but never had a successful one. I don’t want to keep hoping for a miracle for another 3 years… If I need help, I’d want to get it as soon as I can. 

So yea.. any IVF women, I’d love to hear from you! (I live in Scotland, so I’m guessing things will be different here than U.S etc but I’d still appreciate any advice!)

Twisted Cyst 

Twisted Cyst 

So I’m pretty angry. Fuming actually. I had an ovarian cyst discovered about two and a half years ago, and at the time it was decided that it wasn’t affecting my fertility or causing my miscarriages.

Fast forward about a year and after various other tests they decided that they would remove it as a precaution. I received an appointment over a year ago but had to cancel as I was pregnant. Obviously that ended in a loss so I called back to reschedule and heard nothing.

At my MRI 4 months ago it was measured again. It had grown to 5x5x6cm. I never knew this. I was never told it had grew. I still never got an appointment.

Around a week ago i had awful pain in my stomach – like an intense stabbing pain that would turn into severe cramps and back to stabbing again over and ovet again. The level of pain went from about a 3 out of 10 to about a 7.. it was bearable, but it was never ok.

I somehow managed to pop some painkillers and sleep it off until I woke the next morning in agony. Pain I’ve never felt before..I went to A&E but the pain had subsided by the time I got there, So they took my BP and bloods and sent me home.

Next day – same thing. The pain came back. It was worse. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t do anything. I was in tears. No-one was home so I called Nikki at work and he told me to call an ambulance and get back to A&E and he would meet me there.

After pleading with them to do something, the doctors agreed to scan me. It was discovered my cyst had grown to at least 8cm, and had twisted around my fallopian tube causing that to become swollen and of course.. causing me to be bloody agony!

The doctor cooly explained that I would need inmediate surgery and probably need to have my ovary removed. I immediately burst into tears. He tried to reassure me but it was useless. I couldnt think logically or calmy. I was frightened and sore and upset. All i could think was why was this happening?! Why me?

I woke up after my surgery and was told that i didnt need my tube removed and only a small part of my ovary was removed meaning it should work normally.

The surgeon told me the cyst wasn’t helping matters when it came to TTC or my miscarriages.

I feel I was forgotten about. Did this cause long-term damage?