Quote-a-day 3

Quote-a-day 3

z13089340Q,Charles-Dickens-nie-byl-wymarzonym-kandydatem-na-zOk, Ok,

really don’t have an excuse this time. But here it is, my third and final quote (honestly, these challenges just weren’t made for me).

I was torn with this one. I really wanted to do an Atticus or Scout Finch quote –  To Kill a Mockingbird is my favourite book so I thought it would be a nice tribute, but then I seen this Charles Dickens quote and felt it meant more.

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears” 

I cry a lot. Not as much anymore as I used to, but still – it’s not exactly rare. I cry just before my period, I cry when I’m on my period, I cry when I see animal charity adverts, I cry when I watch films. Speaking of that; I watched ‘Gifted’ the other night (Chris Evans stars in it, and I urge you to watch it if you haven’t yet) and was in floods of tears. The neck of my t-shirt was soaking wet and covered in mascara.

I also cried a lot when I was going through my losses and cried again during my struggle to conceive. I cried thinking I was a failure. I cried when I thought about not being able to be a mum. But I’ve never been ashamed of my tears. I cried because I needed it. It was how I coped. Some people think tears are a sign of weakness but I disagree. I’m not a weak person because I cry.  If anything, it makes me stronger. I don’t hide my emotions – I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I hurt, and I’m not always okay. I believe showing your emotions takes an incredible amount of strength.

Don’t ever be ashamed of something that helps you cope… Of something that’s part of you.

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Quote-a-day Challenge

Quote-a-day Challenge

Maya Angelou. 'She was special, she was rare.'

The quote-a-day challenge. I’ve not long been introduced to it, and I have to say I bloody adore it – it’s 3 days long so doesn’t require a huge amount  of commitment like these 100 day challenges that are everywhere just now – I think I got to day 12 of the squat challenge before throwing (up) in the towel and making peace with my not so rock hard arse. Think less buns of steel and more buns of well, buns.

This challenge (which I was nominated for by Cyan – I’ll include a link to her blog if you want to give her a follow) involves picking a quote a day for 3 days and explaining why you like it and why it appeals or relates to you. So here goes. My first one is by – of course – Maya Angelou (coincidentally Cyan also picked a Ms Angelou quote!)

 

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from and how you can still come out of it”

 

I think we can all relate to this one. The past few years I’ve often felt I’ve been dealt a pretty shitty hand. It’s been hard to stay positive and find the good in things. I mean what good comes out of losing a baby?

But over time I’ve come to see how resilient I am. I can see that no matter how many times I’m down and feel like giving up; I will always get back up again. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for all my losses. I’m more compassionate, more considerate, more honest. My relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. I find the small stuff doesn’t get me down as much anymore. I bounce back quicker. When I fall, I rise so much higher now.

So that’s my quote. I believe there IS a reason I’m going through all of this and I can either agonise over trying to understand it, or I can accept it and live my life. I will not be defeated.

Thank you so much Cyan for nominating me. I’ll stick with nominating 1 blogger per day (I think the rules say you can pick a bunch though)

So Kerry – I’d like to nominate you today! https://kerryvsfertility.wordpress.com

You can find Cyans blog here: https://almostpregnant.blog/home/

Questions

Questions

My period arrived this morning and I was okay with it. I’m feeling so positive this year that I genuinely don’t feel as shitty anymore when she comes to visit. 

My biggest problem now is that I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how I can fall pregnant 4 times in 2 years, how I can ovulate every month, how I can have “great eggs and a great uterus” (doctors words remember), how I can have zero medical reasons for not falling pregnant, yet in the last 16months I haven’t been able to. 

I’m happy and confident with our I.V.F prospects but I still can’t help but question things. What’s changed? There has to be something doesn’t there? 

Valentines

Valentines

valentines-day-6

I’m usually not a huge fan of Valentines Day. I think people are pressured in to doing something and if they don’t, well your partner obviously doesn’t love you enough. Its totally unfair and an unrealistic portrayal of a relationship. 

But. And it’s a big but. Over the past few years we’ve realised how important it is to show each other how much we appreciate and love the other person, so we try do something for Valentines day. That doesn’t mean cards and gifts and diamonds and having dinner at an over priced restaurant.  

I went to M&S and got their “Dine in for 2” Valentines special. Starter, main, side, dessert, chocolates and a bottle of wine for 20 quid! Result! I’m no food critic so I’ll just say it was bloody beautiful. We sat on a blanket on the floor, in a candlelit room and Andrea Bocelli echoed through the speakers. After dinner we kissed and made love on the floor – something we hadn’t done in so long. (Is that too much information for you? I mean, everyone knows we do it but maybe that was oversharing. I’m still pretty giddy so my apologies.) 

It was perfect. And it’s something we both really needed. 

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

myths-facts-about-seo

I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement. 

In my defense, I never blocked her so you know – progress. 

We used to work together and it’s not that I’m unhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. I don’t want to see the scans, the bumps, the pram, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet. 

I felt kind of down for a few minutes – Ok 10 maybe – and then do you know what? 

I was okay.  

Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it? 

It’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better. 

I know I’ve earned the right to be a little selfish sometimes. Fuck it. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Do what you want to do. 

 

28..01.2018 

Over the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some. My top 5:  

  1. I hate being around children 
  1. I hate pregnant people 
  1. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy 
  1. There must be something wrong with me – I probably just can’t carry boys. 
  1. I’m not upset anymore. It was ages ago, and it wasn’t even a baby. 

So these things come up a lot. A lot. It’s hard to break the stigma around miscarriage and I know not everyone means to be nasty or hurtful. A lot of people just don’t know what to say, or are too scared to ask so they make their own judgements. But if you’re curious – here’s my answers: 

 

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and more often than not, I find them more fun than adults. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them. 
  1. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you losing your wife or husband or you recently went through a horrendous break up – seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you for a little while – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. After a loss it’s a little difficult. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you. 
  1. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may even ignore your social media pages for a little while but, I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and I’ll deal with it in my own way. And I can be happy for you. 
  1. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Nurses don’t know. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal.  
  1. Ok so just don’t. Don’t ever tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything – just ask me. 

Anyone else deal with something similar? I know I’m not the only one!

 

 

IVF?

IVF?

So next month will mark a year since I was last pregnant.

I’ll be 31 in November so while I know I’m not particularly old, I know that time is ticking on

Can anyone offer advice? Would I qualify for IVF even though I’ve been pregnant before.. multiple times, but never had a successful one. I don’t want to keep hoping for a miracle for another 3 years. If I need help, I’d want to get it as soon as I can.

So yea.. any IVF women, I’d love to hear from you! (I live in Scotland, so I’m guessing things will be different here than U.S etc but I’d still appreciate any advice!)

Twisted Cyst 

Twisted Cyst 

A few years ago, it was discovered that I had an ovarian cyst. It wasn’t causing me any pain and everyone said that it wasn’t affecting my fertility or causing my miscarriages, so they left it alone. 

Fast forward about a year and after every other test came back negative, the doctors decided to remove it as a precaution. Tick something else off the list. I received an appointment over a year ago but had to cancel as I was pregnant. I called back after my loss to reschedule but heard nothing. 

Apparently they measured it again at my MRI. The cyst had grown, but I never knew. I was never told. I still never got an appointment. 

Around a week ago I had severe pain in my stomach. The level of pain went from about a 3 out of 10 to about a 7.. it was bearable, but it was never gone. 

I somehow managed to pop some painkillers and sleep it off until I woke the next morning doubled over in agony. I rushed to A&E but the pain had subsided by the time I got there, so they took my BP and bloods and sent me home. 

Next day – same thing. The pain came back. It was worse. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t do anything. I was in tears. No-one was home so I called Nikki at work and he told me to call an ambulance and get back to A&E and he would meet me there. I waited in agony on my couch for the ambulance to arrive. 

After the ambulance crew told the doctors that morphine wasn’t even touching my pain, they agreed to scan me. It was discovered my cyst had nearly doubled and had twisted around my fallopian tube causing it to become swollen and of course – causing me to be bloody agony! 

The doctor cooly explained that I would need inmediate surgery and probably need to have my ovary removed. I immediately burst into tears. He tried to reassure me but it was useless. I couldnt think logically or calmy. I was frightened and sore and upset. All I could think was “Why was this happening?! Why me?” 

I woke up after my surgery and was told that a different surgeon performed the operation and he saved my tube and only removed the tiniest part of my ovary. Relief. 

I’m grateful it got dealt with, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this might have been causing my losses. I worry it’s caused lasting damage. I really need to catch a break!