Festive Flo.

Festive Flo.

First period since the miscarriage arrived with a vengeance this morning. Double the flow and double the pain. My PMS coupled with the fact I had a wee hope I was pregnant, has left me feeling pretty pissed off today.
It’s been nearly a year since the honeymoon miscarriage and I honestly don’t know how people find the strength to try and try and try.
I know a year isn’t a long time to try but it just feels like its being going on forever. How some women manage to keep going for years is beyond me – I respect you so much for it. It’s unbelievably draining emotionally, physically and for your relationship.

We have an appointment on the 18th at the hospital for more tests. When I was in my early 20s I never imagined I’d have to go through all this. I naively thought if I had sex in January I’d have a baby by October. I thought it would be so simple.

Also. DH doesn’t even really seem bothered this month.

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Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

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I wanted to post something christmassy/festive-ish but I haven’t been able to get in the mood so far. I’m working Xmas day so that could explain my lack of festive spirit. It sucks. BUT.. I do finish about half 2 so I’ll still get most to spend most of the day with my family and thats helped rid me of the scroogness. Yay.

Not gonna lie.. a few days ago I got a bit down thinking about having to work and knowing that this year was spossed to be different. Shudve been baby’s first Christmas with us…. I cried on the train to work. Only a few drops so I don’t think anyone noticed.

Anyway.. me and hubby had our own wee mini Xmas tonight. I got some great gifts – sweet thoughtful gifts and i love him so much for it. As I write this, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed playing with the virtual reality headset I bought  him and its hilarious honestly. He looks bloody ridiculous! He really makes me happy though.. I ought to cherish moments like these instead of reminding myself of the negative things. It’ll happen one day,  I know it will.

So while I sit here feeling festive I wanted to wish all my followers and whoever else is reading.. a very very happy Christmas and a wonderful new year!!

Good luck to everyone on their baby making journeys and even bigger luck to those followers that are expecting and have parenthood to look forward to! Eeek!

Also.. thank you to every single person that’s liked/commented/followed my blog. You all have made a huge difference to my life.

Guilt

Guilt

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Most of the people that have visited or read my blog know that I’ve recently had my 3rd miscarriage.. my first post described in detail my 2nd MC and I’ve mentioned my third.. however I very rarely share the story around my 1st and that’s because there’s a huge amount of guilt that surrounds it.. but I want to share it here, where I hope I can be open and true.

I was about 21 and hadn’t long discovered my bf at the time had been cheating on me. I took the cheating how most 21 year old girls would – horribly and dependant on going out and getting drunk. When i was with him I was on the pill intermittently which is horrendous I know.

A few weeks passed and it occured to me that I hadn’t had a period in a while. I wasn’t sure how long, but I’d guessed around 2months. I calmly took a test not really expecting much and froze when it came back positive. What. The. Fuck? How did this happen? As a now 29 year old I despise myself for how easily I fell pregnant… so feel free to do the same.

Here’s where the biggest guilt bit comes in. I knew straight away that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. There wasn’t a shred of doubt in my mind. I had zero finances, I was a student working part time in a night club and I had next to no contact with my ex – the dad. I didn’t want to see him again, never mind have a child with him. Even now, I don’t regret my decision – I planned to do what was right for myself at the time.

Anyway…I went to the doctors, booked an appointment and that was pretty much all I had to do until I returned to take the pills. They didn’t try deter me or convince me to tell the dad (I chose never to tell him). They just said ok and gave me a follow up appointment.

About a week later, I woke up cramping in agony with blood covering my bedsheets. I stupidly went for a bath and the water turned red.I genuinely had no clue what was happening. I barely even knew of miscarriages. I phoned my doctor and she told me to get to the hospital immediately. I phoned a taxi and tried to put a couple of pads in to hold the bleeding.

I sat in the hospital waiting room for about an hour before anyone seen me. I remember everything being cold, clinical and immensely unsympathetic. But that was expected right? After all I didn’t even want the baby anyway.

Without going in to loads of detail, I had to get a d&c about 6 hours later as it didn’t pass naturally. They kept telling me I was wrong and the pain would go but it never did. They finally agreed to another scan and seen that the baby was still inside.
As a result I lost more blood than usual and I was kept in overnight. I was completely alone. None of my family knew and the one friend that did couldn’t be bothered coming with me. It is single handedly the worst I’ve ever been treated at a hospital. The entire time I was there I was sore,terrified and ashamed. I felt guilty for expecting sympathy. This was what I wanted wasn’t it?

The main reason I don’t talk a lot about this 1st MC, is because for me.. I never had to get over the emotional loss. I’m still disgusted at how I was treated. I didn’t want the baby but there was no way I wanted that! For me.. it was more of a physical loss and I don’t like to compare it to my more recent miscarriages.

I wrote this to try explain that a miscarriage is traumatic no matter what. There’s different levels of trauma and no one should treat someone differently just because their MC was more upsetting than theirs. We as women should support each other and our decisions and we should fight to change the attitudes of those around us.. especially the NHS. No one should be treated the way I was. I was a 21 year old naive frightened young woman and they treated me like I was a disgrace to expectant mothers everywhere.

I now know the true emotional pain of a miscarriage and I sometimes wonder if maybe that was my punishment.

Babysitter

Babysitter

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I havent been around a lot of babies in my life.. i tended to avoid them up until recently if im honest. They kind of terrified me. Im so inexperienced with babies its ridiculous. My stepson was 3 when i met him so he was past all the nappies/crying/teething/squishy head stage.

Anyway… We babysat our niece last night and she was staying over at our place. This was the first time there was going to be a baby (she’s 13months so she’s not really a baby baby..but still) overnight in my house. My husband was there so that eased the pressure a little – he’s pretty good at that kind of stuff.

We bought a travel cot and hubby put it up in Kians room. He put all the blankets n stuff inside and shouted me in. I can’t describe the feeling it gave me seeing it. Seeing a cot sitting where ours should have been. Knowing it could have been my baby sleeping in it. It was awful. Don’t get me wrong… when my niece was sleeping in it, it wasn’t like that. I absolutely adore her and when I see her, I don’t usually relate her to my child. She’s her own wee person and I’m so happy I’m her auntie. But seeing the empty cot just killed me. It broke my heart. On the outside i look like I’m doing so well, but there’s obviously still a lot of pain inside. Whether that’s from the miscarriage in January, or the one I just had there,  or even a combination of both, I don’t know. I just know its there.

It threw me off a bit. Threw me off my game. Not that I have any game btw! She wouldn’t take her bottle from me straight away and when she finally did, it didn’t feel like I was holding her right.. I asked my husband to take over then just spent about an hour feeling like shit thinking I was a failure who wouldn’t be able to feed her own child… then I felt even worse thinking I wouldn’t ever even have a child!

Maybe im due soon and I’m just extra hormonal. I haven’t had my period since the last miscarriage and that’s playing on my mind too. We haven’t really tried at all this month and I know I’m going to have to deal with still not being pregnant. I never imagined it would be like this. Never imaginrd it would be this hard… No one warns you about this this stuff.. 

Christmas Blues

Christmas Blues

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I’ve been feeling pretty eager to try again after my last (and third) miscarriage… this one happened almost immediately so it was physically easier to deal with. Medically speaking, we can try straight away.
My husband said to me he wasn’t so sure.. if we were to get pregnant now, then the due date would be roughly the same as what our last babies was and hubby didn’t think that was the best idea.
I know its unlikely that we’re gonna fall pregnant immediately but it hurt for him to say that … I want a baby with him and for me.. that’s what matters – not a date.

He always tells me that if I can’t give him a baby he wouldn’t care.. but he has a child already.. Would he say that if he didn’t? And what about me, I love my stepson unconditionally but I still want so much to be a mum.

I sometimes wonder if I’m being selfish.. I do know he really wants one but is he right? Should we wait.. stop “trying” and just put it to the back of my mind? How do you do that though? When I constantly see pregnant women, women with babies and being around my niece… how can I then just switch off wanting to be a mum??