My name is Nikki and I am going to share Nicola and I’s story through my eyes for the first time and this has not been an easy thing for me to do.
The reason I’m choosing to share my story is simple really. Nicola has taught me and so many others that talking openly about our loss or losses doesn’t only make us stronger but it connects us all.
When we share our stories they all become one. No longer do you need to feel hurt or scared or alone.
Let me set the scene…. It’s our wedding day. Nicola has just agreed to be my wife. Before the party starts my son comes up to make his speech.
He stands up in front of our friends and family, thanks them all for coming then announces to everyone that Nicola is pregnant and he’s going to be a big brother. It means the world to Kian to be a big brother.
Fast forward a week or so and we’re loving life. A newly married couple lying on the beach in Cuba, in 30 degree heat (in January!) Life was perfect!
Nicola suddenly started to feel funny. She wasn’t quite her normal self and she said she had a sore stomach and was going to the room to lie down.
I collected all our towels and said to our friends where we were going and headed up to our room to see if Nicola was ok.
You need to realise life at this moment was “perfect” I have just married my best friend, I am in Cuba – one of the most beautiful places I have ever been lucky enough to visit – and I am going to be a dad for a second time………like I said perfect.
But it was about to change……
I went in to our room and Nicola was in the toilet. She was breaking her heart and her hands were covered in blood.
She was sobbing and repeating over and over again
The baby, the baby.
I helped her off the toilet, gave her a kiss and told her lots of people bleed through pregnancy. I pulled out the trusted old Google and confidently said not to worry. Everything would be fine.
I went to reception to call an ambulance just to get everything checked out anyway.
When the ambulance came I was still confident everything would be ok. You always think
this will never happen to us!
When we got to the hospital it was empty. We were the only people in the place apart from a doctor and 2 nurses.
The language barrier was terrible. The 2 nurses never spoke any English and the Dr only spoke broken English at best.
We tried to explain what was happening and the Dr rushed Nicola in for an ultrasound. They lifted up her T-shirt put the cold jelly on the machine and started looking for our wee peanut.
They found our baby!
I have never been so happy or relieved in my life. I am not religious in the slightest but even me in that dark time thought “what if?”
We saw our beautiful wee baby. They showed us the heartbeat on the screen, printed us off the picture and told us everything would be ok. Sometimes bleeding is normal.
I was over the moon and turned to Nicola to give her a kiss but she wasn’t happy. Her pain was increasing and she felt like something was wrong.
I will never forget the moment Nicola suddenly rushed to the toilet. She sat on the toilet and it happened. She put her hand between her legs and our baby landed on it.
I took the baby from her and showed the Dr. He looked at it, shrugged and said “maybe”.
They asked me to sit in the hall way whilst they took Nicola away to clean her up and to re-scan her.
This is the part I really struggle with.
They left me sitting by myself not being able to check on my wife and still holding my dead baby for nearly 20 minutes.
As much as I did not want to look I couldn’t take my eyes off our wee baby. (Because that’s what it was, a baby.) This was my wee peanut!
That image of our baby will be forever burnt in to my memory. I got up off the seat and flushed the baby down the toilet. That single moment would come back to haunt me for years and I still struggle with that action today.
Nicola came back from the scan and all was confirmed by the Dr. They tried to keep Nicola in but she wanted to go back to the hotel and signed herself out.
When we arrived back at the hotel I took Nicola up to the room, gave her a massive kiss and sucked in all my hurt so I could put on a brave face. I had to be strong for Nicola.
The thought of someone questioning Nicola about the baby broke my heart so I went around the people in the hotel and explained what had happened.
When we got back to Scotland things took a darker turn. Nicola was on a dark path, a path I never thought I would be able to get her off.
Everything seemed to be heading in one direction and it all came to a head one day. Nicola and I got in to a massive fight and we nearly called it a day.
Our handling of the situation nearly cost us everything
4 weeks previously I was marrying my best friend, going to be a dad again and suddenly I was losing my wife and my baby.
I started looking in to loss and how people cope and I came across an article that said the best way to release pain and sadness is to write about it.
So I came up with the idea of blogging for Nicola. We spoke about it for hours and hours and came to the conclusion that this would be a great idea. One – it might help Nicola heal and Two – we never wanted a man or woman to go through what we did, but, if they had to, I wanted them to be better prepared than we were.
Nicola seeing your blog go from strength to strength, seeing you help yourself and others and seeing you beginning to get closure has helped me more than you will ever know.
I have kept all this in for so long Nicola and I could never fully get over everything knowing you were still hurting. Seeing you heal and smile again for the first time in years has helped me so much and from the bottom of my heart and everyone else who you have helped thank you.