Tough times

Tough times

It’s been a difficult few weeks and I just haven’t had the heart to write. Hubbys contracted hours were halved literally overnight so we had to come to terms with the fact we’re going to be making a LOT less. I work sessional hours so I have no guaranteed hours but I’m trying my hardest to accept whatever and whenever. We go on holiday in 3 weeks and we still don’t have everything saved up. The last thing I want to do is be relaxing on a beach telling Kian we don’t have enough money for his ice cream cone. (OK so maybe it’s not that extreme but still… I’m an excessive panic)

I got my period last week. But of couree I STILL can’t get an appointment for this cycle. I’ll be in Greece when my injections are due so now I need to wait until August. Fuck.

Also. Why am I still not pregnant naturally? If there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be falling then why the hell is it not happening?

 

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Happy Mug

Happy Mug

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So I received my mug a few days ago (from the MugSwap – check previous posts) and admittedly I was spoiled. The lovely Cyan from almostpregnant (I still can’t thank you enough) gave me a beautiful box with a mug – of course – with the words ‘think positive’, some snuggly socks, a cute little pineapple necklace, a flapjack, a handwritten card and these amazing IVF notecards. I still haven’t wrote in them yet, as half of me wants to fill them in so I can keep them in a little baby making/IVF memory box, but the other half is too scared to ruin them! Point is, I was seriously spoiled.

I’d had a rough day. I found out I might not get funding for my course next year which means I’ll need to use my student loan to pay my fees which of course now means I’ll need to work more days than I do now and it’s already a struggle and that’s before I’ve even started IVF.

Opening the box made me smile. And take a minute. I’ve been through so much already, I can get through this. Sure it might be a struggle and it might be hard, but this is one of those struggles where I actually have an end date. A date where the struggling and the juggling will be over.  We’re normally not the group of people who deal in certainties, but this is certain. It’ll be hard for a year, but then I’ll be qualified and working a job I love.

I have Cyan to thank for this moment of clarity. She reminded me why I started this mug swap in the first place – to show people we’re not alone in our struggles whatever they are. To show each other we’re here for support, advice or even just a listening ear. Whatever we need. And while my down day was college related and not – for once – baby related; it still gave me the same feelings of self doubt, panic and anxiety. The mug reminded me to think positive, the IVF cards reminded me I am strong and the necklace – well that reminded me to fuck it, and pour myself a pina colada!

Fighting

Fighting

I’m pissed off. Two days ago I got my period and I was so ridiculously excited that I double wiped just to make sure it wasn’t a false alarm. It wasn’t, so I called the IVF place and asked them to book me in for my day 21 scan. Done. Sorted. It’s in the diary.

Hubby asked if he was to come to and I honestly had no idea so I called them back the next day. This was my mistake.

“Have you started treatment yet?”

“No” I said. “I’m getting scanned in a few weeks.”

“You can’t book a scan before you commence your treatment cycle. You need to phone and ask us to book your treatment cycle”

“Ummm ok. So, can I book my treatment cycle?”

Then in her shitty holier than thou attitude, she said “Well not here you can’t, no. You’ll need to phone a different number and you’ve probably missed it now. You’ll most likely need to book in on your next period. This time please make sure you ask for a treatment cycle and not a scan”.

What’s the bloody difference? Surely you can see what I have and haven’t had done yet? Surely you know the bloody steps I need to take? Surely you can not be such an arsehole and just bloody book me in for whatever I need! Why is this so flippin’ confusing?

I have another 4 bloody weeks of waiting now – at least – and then another 3 weeks on top of that. How can I go from having an appointment to start treatment to having absolutely nothing in the space of a day?

 

Quote-a-day (number 2)

Quote-a-day (number 2)

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There’s me talking about how the 3 day challenge is so much easier to stick to and how excited I was to do it, and suddenly I’m 4 days in and only have 1 quote!

My excuses – work, college, weekend, wine(s), a really good film, a christening and a birthday. I think you should let me off.

But here it is. Better late than never. Quote number 2:

“A day without laughter is a day wasted”

This was of course from the late, great Charlie Chaplin. I kind of wish I’d left this until the last day to finish on one of the greats, but I just had to put it in. I guess it sets me a challenge for tomorrow right?

Anyway, this quote. It’s a good one isn’t it? We need to laugh. We need to smile. And we need to remember that no matter what we’re going through, there’s always a reason to be happy. My husband makes me laugh. A lot. My friends silly texts make me giggle. Sticking on a stand up comedy or an episode of Friends does it for me too. Catching my dog trying desperately to catch her tail. Watching Kian pretend he’s a stuntman at the park. In all honesty it took me a while to see it, but everywhere I look there’s reasons to laugh and smile and just be happy.

What are some things that make you laugh?

Mug Swap

Mug Swap

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I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!

For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!

I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)

Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!

If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com

Easter break

Easter break

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Last day of college placement for 2 weeks! Thank the Lord!  

Don’t get me wrong, I love placement and I love working with the children but I’m exhausted. We’re coming to the end of the course so there’s a lot of work getting crammed in and I’m so looking forward to having a break. 

I’ll still be working a few days, but that’s about it. I am making zero plans outwith that. I’m going to wake up after 9, drink coffee in bed and wear clothes that don’t have buttons or zips and hell – I might even go bra-less for a few days. 

My I.V.F appointment is this Tuesday so I’m hoping I’ll have a better idea of a timescale then. It’s just a bit of a guessing game so far, but I’m thinking I’ll have my first round in June. Now excuse me while I get undressed and watch T.V in bed for 8 hours straight. 

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

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I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement. 

In my defense, I never blocked her so you know – progress. 

We used to work together and it’s not that I’m unhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. I don’t want to see the scans, the bumps, the pram, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet. 

I felt kind of down for a few minutes – Ok 10 maybe – and then do you know what? 

I was okay.  

Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it? 

It’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better. 

I know I’ve earned the right to be a little selfish sometimes. Fuck it. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Do what you want to do. 

 

28..01.2018 

Over the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some. My top 5:  

  1. I hate being around children 
  1. I hate pregnant people 
  1. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy 
  1. There must be something wrong with me – I probably just can’t carry boys. 
  1. I’m not upset anymore. It was ages ago, and it wasn’t even a baby. 

So these things come up a lot. A lot. It’s hard to break the stigma around miscarriage and I know not everyone means to be nasty or hurtful. A lot of people just don’t know what to say, or are too scared to ask so they make their own judgements. But if you’re curious – here’s my answers: 

 

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and more often than not, I find them more fun than adults. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them. 
  1. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you losing your wife or husband or you recently went through a horrendous break up – seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you for a little while – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. After a loss it’s a little difficult. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you. 
  1. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may even ignore your social media pages for a little while but, I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and I’ll deal with it in my own way. And I can be happy for you. 
  1. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Nurses don’t know. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal.  
  1. Ok so just don’t. Don’t ever tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything – just ask me. 

Anyone else deal with something similar? I know I’m not the only one!

 

 

Unfollowed

Unfollowed

I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement. 

In my defence, I never blocked her so you know – progress. 

We used to work together and it’s not that I’m unhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. I don’t want to see the scans, the bumps, the pram, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet. 

I felt kind of down for a few minutes – Ok 10 maybe – and then do you know what? 

I was okay.  

Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it? 

It’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better. 

I know I’ve earned the right to be a little selfish sometimes. Fuck it. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Do what you want to do. 

Change

Change

In the words of Bob Dylan – “The times they are a-changing”. 

3 years ago, Nikki and I were preparing for our upcoming Wedding and honeymoon. We had only recently found out about my pregnancy, and I was probably busy looking at prams and maternity clothes and googling ‘Traditional Scottish baby names’. In hindsight I was probably a little too eager, but come on, this was 3 years ago. Miscarriage was barely in my vocabulary. 

I was working for a residential care home; a job I enjoyed, but didn’t quite love. I worked 6 days a week, but earned an alright wage and was on course to get a pretty good deal on maternity pay. 

We lived in a flat in Clydebank, that none of us particularly liked, but it was our first home together so we had memories stored in the walls. 

Fast forward a few years and I’ve left my work and went back to college to study Early Education and Childcare. Nikki and I moved in with my mum to save for our own place (which has its ups and downs – but mostly ups). We still have Kian every Fri-Mon so space is a little tight but we make it work! I now have a few more tattoos, shaved half my hair (did I ever mention that? I had huge thick curly auburn hair and chopped 90% of it off. I cried a little at first, but I make it work.) Being a few years older also seems to have added around 7-10lbs to me, but some of that’s boob weight so I’m not complaining! 

And of course we have 4 miscarriages behind us. Our first baby would be turning 3 this year. But I can’t think like that. I’d be rhyming off ages every other month if I lived like that. They will always be in my heart, and I’ll never forget any of the babies I’ve lost, but if it wasn’t for those losses, my life wouldn’t be where it is now. 

I’d probably still be in my care home job, we’d be living in an area we hated, we’d have a beautiful baby – but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’d be happy. A baby doesn’t make you happy. Our losses inspired us to do more – it gave us a kick up the arse. We’re preparing to set up home in a nicer area, we’ve spent so much quality time together as a couple, we’ve travelled more than we ever thought we would. We’re happy. 

Now l’m not saying losing the babies was a good thing – of course it wasn’t. But what I’ve realised is; it doesn’t need to dictate my life anymore. I can still be happy… We are allowed to be happy. 

For anyone going through a miscarriage – it doesn’t need to signal the end of something. Maybe it could be your start of something new. 

I would still love my story to have a baby in it. I would still love to watch our child grow, and watch them take their first steps and take them to their first day at school….  but if I cant.. Well then, my story just won’t have that chapter in it. But it will have hundreds of other chapters. And that’s okay.  

New Year. New Opportunities

New Year. New Opportunities

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I can’t believe it’s that time again. Feels like only yesterday I was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. It makes me sound so old but, where does the time go? 

This year was our first Christmas Eve with Kian so we got to wake up and watch him open his presents on Christmas morning. We went all out with Christmas Eve boxes, letters from Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Elf doors, stockings and a mountain of presents but, I figured this could be the last Christmas with just the 3 of us! (Maybe overly wishful thinking but hey, it’s better being positive right?!) 

After Christmas, we took Kian to Poland for a few days, just to get away from the chaos and the craziness and all the family stuff. It’s nice for a while, but then you just want to relax! 

New Years Eve came and Nikki and I went to our local pub for a cheesy, alcohol fuelled, cheese & pickle on a stick filled karaoke night! It was great, and I promise we only drank a LITTLE too much alcohol. I have to be alcohol free during IVF, so I figured why not go out with a bang? (she says as she’s drinking a glass of wine.) 

My next I.VF. appointment is February 7th – I’m not sure what this one will entail though. Nikki still has to make his “donation”, but I hope we’ll be starting around May or June time. Only time will tell. But I feel good.