From blogger to vlogger

I uploaded my first video to YouTube today.

I should probably tell you that I’m crippled by self doubt and constantly notice my own flaws and imperfections so this was a huge step for me. I felt like I wanted to do more and open myself up a little bit and give people a true insight in to IVF.

I’m hoping to show the ups and downs, the injections, the side effects – everything really (within reason of course – there won’t be any internal scans going on there!)

One of the other reasons I did it is because I’ve reached out to a few people to ask them to send me video clips of them saying how my blog helped them or inspired them or even got them through one bad day. I felt like it’d be pretty crappy of me to ask something like that when I haven’t been able to put my face out there yet.

Which brings me to my next point – if anyone’s reading this and thinks I’ve helped them a little along the way, would you be willing to say so in a short 20sec video clip? I’m making a video as part of my Butterfly Award campaign and I think it would be amazing to feature some of you guys in it. Please, please let me know if you’d be willing to help. You have no idea how much I’d appreciate it.

Please check it out (and don’t judge – I swear they’ll get better when I figure out how to add music/text/snazzy little pictures)

 

 

 

Holiday

Well, that was needed.

Just back from a week in Greece and I’m more relaxed than I’ve been in months.

Hubby and I had a discussion about the possibility of IVF failing – I know it’s sounds negative but, I think it’s a subject that had to be broached.

But – and its a good but – we’ve both realised that we’ll be okay if it doesn’t work. We’ve enjoyed our time together as ‘just’ a couple these past few months and a baby won’t change that. Getting up at 3am every morning might NOT be all it’s cracked up to be.

We have Kian every weekend so I guess I still get to do a bit of fun “mum” stuff a lot of the time.

We’re of course going to give the IVF a good go (how do you give it a bad go exactly?). But after that, babies are off the table. No more baby chat. None. We’ll focus more on us, on our careers and travelling. We can still be happy.

My next appointment is on Friday, but it’s just bloods again (they could probably open a donor clinic with the amount of blood I’ve given them) They need to make sure we’re HIV free – part of me is strangely nervous. I mean, I’m pretty sure we don’t have it….

If all goes well, I should have my egg retrieval around the end of August and boom! BABY!

Ah if only it was that simple eh?

Shortlisted

 

I woke up this morning to the email confirming I had been shortlisted for the Author/blogger category of the Butterfly Awards and I haven’t been able to wipe the smile off my face since!

I’ve never been great at accepting compliments of receiving praise. I’m not sure if it’s a Scottish/British thing, a woman thing, or just a me thing. But this is different. I feel so proud of myself because I’m nominated for speaking out about miscarriage – for raising awareness and for showing women (and men) that they are not going through those terrible times alone.

I started this blog as more of a diary to be honest. I never once thought people would read it, let alone comment and follow. It sounds cliched but I would never have been shortlisted if it wasn’t for all of you. The people that read my blog and take the time to comment and pick me up when I’m low, or think positive for me when I don’t have the strength to do it myself. If it wasn’t for this blog – and all of you – I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s saved me from venturing into some dark corners when in reality – it would’ve been the easy option. Everything you read in this blog is complete, unadulterated honesty and I’ll continue to do that because the more we speak about it, the less taboo it becomes.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of you who stop by my page. I’ll continue to blog and speak about my ups and downs of miscarriage and I.V.F in the hope that it saves even just one person from feeling alone. I know that’s what I needed when I started this (and what I still continue to need at times).

(Ok so this post was cheesier than a day at the stilton factory but I just couldn’t help myself.)

**If you want to read more about the awards – or even buy a ticket – check out the website here: https://finleysfootprints.com/

Happy Mug

So I received my mug a few days ago (from the MugSwap – check previous posts) and admittedly I was spoiled. The lovely Cyan from almostpregnant (I still can’t thank you enough) gave me a beautiful box with a mug – of course – with the words ‘think positive’, some snuggly socks, a cute little pineapple necklace, a flapjack, a handwritten card and these amazing IVF notecards. I still haven’t wrote in them yet, as half of me wants to fill them in so I can keep them in a little baby making/IVF memory box, but the other half is too scared to ruin them! Point is, I was seriously spoiled.

I’d had a rough day. I found out I might not get funding for my course next year which means I’ll need to use my student loan to pay my fees which of course now means I’ll need to work more days than I do now and it’s already a struggle and that’s before I’ve even started IVF.

Opening the box made me smile. And take a minute. I’ve been through so much already, I can get through this. Sure it might be a struggle and it might be hard, but this is one of those struggles where I actually have an end date. A date where the struggling and the juggling will be over.  We’re normally not the group of people who deal in certainties, but this is certain. It’ll be hard for a year, but then I’ll be qualified and working a job I love.

I have Cyan to thank for this moment of clarity. She reminded me why I started this mug swap in the first place – to show people we’re not alone in our struggles whatever they are. To show each other we’re here for support, advice or even just a listening ear. Whatever we need. And while my down day was college related and not – for once – baby related; it still gave me the same feelings of self doubt, panic and anxiety. The mug reminded me to think positive, the IVF cards reminded me I am strong and the necklace – well that reminded me to fuck it, and pour myself a pina colada!

Fighting

I’m pissed off. Two days ago I got my period and I was so ridiculously excited that I double wiped just to make sure it wasn’t a false alarm. It wasn’t, so I called the IVF place and asked them to book me in for my day 21 scan. Done. Sorted. It’s in the diary.

Hubby asked if he was to come to and I honestly had no idea so I called them back the next day. This was my mistake.

“Have you started treatment yet?”

“No” I said. “I’m getting scanned in a few weeks.”

“You can’t book a scan before you commence your treatment cycle. You need to phone and ask us to book your treatment cycle”

“Ummm ok. So, can I book my treatment cycle?”

Then in her shitty holier than thou attitude, she said “Well not here you can’t, no. You’ll need to phone a different number and you’ve probably missed it now. You’ll most likely need to book in on your next period. This time please make sure you ask for a treatment cycle and not a scan”.

What’s the bloody difference? Surely you can see what I have and haven’t had done yet? Surely you know the bloody steps I need to take? Surely you can not be such an arsehole and just bloody book me in for whatever I need! Why is this so bloody confusing?

I have another 4 bloody weeks of waiting now – at least – and then another 3 weeks on top of that. How can I go from having an appointment to start treatment to having absolutely nothing in the space of a day?

Quote-a-day (number 2)

There’s me talking about how the 3 day challenge is so much easier to stick to and how excited I was to do it, and suddenly I’m 4 days in and only have 1 quote!

My excuses – work, college, weekend, wine(s), a really good film, a christening and a birthday. I think you should let me off.

But here it is. Better late than never. Quote number 2:

“A day without laughter is a day wasted”

This was of course from the late, great Charlie Chaplin. I kind of wish I’d left this until the last day to finish on one of the greats, but I just had to put it in. I guess it sets me a challenge for tomorrow right?

Anyway, this quote. It’s a good one isn’t it? We need to laugh. We need to smile. And we need to remember that no matter what we’re going through, there’s always a reason to be happy. My husband makes me laugh. A lot. My friends silly texts make me giggle. Sticking on a stand up comedy or an episode of Friends does it for me too. Catching my dog trying desperately to catch her tail. Watching Kian pretend he’s a stuntman at the park.

In all honesty it took me a while to see it, but everywhere I look there’s reasons to laugh and smile and just be happy.

What are some things that make you laugh?

Flo? Are you there?

I’m officially 2 days late. I’m hoping by saying (writing) it out loud – it will somehow jinx me and bring on a heavy flow.

I’m not saying I want my period to come – I just hate the waiting. And the constant checking of the toilet paper. Man, I miss the days of just wiping and flushing. Isn’t it funny the things you take for granted. Wiping and flushing has got to be in the top 5.

“Why don’t you just take a test Nicola?” says the voice in my head, and I’m sure some of you are thinking it too. Truth be told, I have no answer for that. Fear maybe. Risk of disappointment.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have any and it’s Sunday so I’m putting off getting dressed for as long as possible.

I don’t want to jump the gun. It is only 2 days. 99% of the time, I’m a 30 day cycle, but there’s always that 1% that likes to wind me up.

Ach maybe I’ll get dressed and buy a test.

Or maybe I’ll wait.

Naive

So I thought I.V.F would be simple – I mean; I guess I kind of knew it was a long, hard process but I think I chose to overlook that part just so I could revel in the excitement for a while. 

But now that it’s approaching, I’m starting to worry a little. 

I worry about how I’m going to manage college and studying full-time, working 12 hour shifts in a care home, look for a new house, look after Kian 3 days a week and manage to attend all my I.VF. appointments. I worry I’ll miss college work, or will have to cancel shifts. Will be able to pay the bills if I can’t go to work? I worry about injecting myself. I worry about how I’ll deal with the side effects of  the treatment. I worry about the in-between stages – the waiting. Most of all I worry about how the hell I’ll cope if I do all of this and it still fails. 

Someone please sprinkle some positivity on me. I need it. Damnit. I was doing so well.  

Valentines

I’m usually not a huge fan of Valentines Day. I think people are pressured in to doing something and if they don’t, well your partner obviously doesn’t love you enough. Its totally unfair and an unrealistic portrayal of a relationship.

But. And it’s a big but. Over the past few years we’ve realised how important it is to show each other how much we appreciate and love the other person, so we try do something for Valentines day. That doesn’t mean cards and gifts and diamonds and having dinner at an over priced restaurant.

I went to M&S and got their “Dine in for 2” Valentines special. Starter, main, side, dessert, chocolates and a bottle of wine for 20 quid! Result! I’m no food critic so I’ll just say it was bloody beautiful. We sat on a blanket on the floor, in a candlelit room and Andrea Bocelli echoed through the speakers. After dinner we kissed and made love on the floor – something we hadn’t done in so long. (Is that too much information for you? I mean, everyone knows we do it but maybe that was oversharing. But I have spoken about my double wiping habits so I don’t know where the line is anymore).

It was perfect. And it’s something we both really needed.

2nd Appointment

I had my 2nd appointment at the I.V.F clinic today. I had no idea what to expect – I kind of figured it wouldn’t be baby making time just yet but, I don’t know what’s left to do. Turns out, it’s a lot.  

I waited for like an hour in the waiting room. It was so busy. I’m not complaining about waiting (well I’m not complaining now. I was probably internally complaining a little at the time) but, I’m just so shocked at how many men and women are going through this. And that was just today! How many were there yesterday? And how many will be there tomorrow? And the next day? 

It’s kind of comforting knowing I’m not doing this alone. There’s so many of us. Of course it’s tragic, and I wish this whole miscarriage/infertility thing was just a myth – but it is kind of nice knowing you’re not in the boat alone.  

I read one of the notices they had up in the waiting room. Turns out this clinic (at the Glasgow Royal Infirmary) has the highest success rate in the whole of Scotland. Something like 168 live births from 309 embryo transfers (I think that’s the terms, I’m still not 100% sure of all of this). Those numbers may not be entirely accurate either, but it’s around that mark. 

Back to the appointment. I had an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst free and that my uterus looked good.  

“You have a lovely uterus” 

“Why thank you, it’s all my own”.  

It’s kind of strange getting compliments on your uterus, but hey – I’m a woman – a compliments a compliment. 

She showed me where I’d ovulated from this month and I could see 5 or 6 little black circles that she told me were my eggs. First scan I’ve had that’s made me smile. That’s an achievement in it’s own. 

Now all that’s left is to wait. Wait for Nikki’s results. Wait to get to the top of the list. Wait to get more blood tests. Wait to get our detailed medical history. Wait for my period. Wait for our treatment to start. 

This is all getting very very real.