Impatience

I was stationery shopping yesterday (does anyone else love buying new pens and pads by the way?) and I may have made a beeline for the pregnancy tests. I also may have bought one three, and I may have already taken one two. 

In the whole 3 times I’ve been pregnant, I have NEVER had a positive until I was at least around 4 days late. Not even a hint of a line has shown up early – even with the sensitive tests – so I have no idea why I tested. (Well I do, it’s because TTC turns me into a crazy person!) 

It of course was negative – both times. I also never told my husband because he specifically said to me just two days ago “even if you don’t get your period by Tues, DON’T test until the weekend, you’ll end up disappointed”. Man I hate when he’s right. 

The worst part of it is I still have one left that’s burning a hole in my pocket and I CAN’T PROMISE I WONT USE IT TODAY! 

No Tea for Me.

I’ve been absent from WordPress again the past few weeks. I’m the worst blogger, I really am.

I took on board everyone’s advice last post and purchased raspberry leaf tea capsules. I had to do the capsule thing; I’m really not a huge tea drinker. Believe it or not, not everyone in the UK loves a cuppa!

I also tried the “conceive plus” fertility gel, but I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan. It wasn’t particularly messy or icky like I feared.. it just kind of made it.. I don’t know; different. We ended up just using it after I *cough* finished * which worked out best for us. Maybe I’m just not a lube-y kinda girl.

Anyone experience side effects from the supplements? Just curious.

I’m now on day 30, of a normal 32 day cycle. (Last month was 33) and feeling pretty normal. I’ve been crazy gassy (TMI) much to my husband’s delight and I’ve been a little emotional – but I’m always pretty emotional to be honest.

Anyway. I’ll update you all with any phantom symptoms/late periods/eventual menstruation.

Animal Mineral Vegetable (and some lube)

I’ve made a lot of changes to my diet the past few months.

I rarely eat red meat, possibly once or twice a month.

Switched from minced beef to quorn (far nicer by the way)

I’ll have a few glasses of wine when I’m on my period but no other alcohol the rest of the month

I’ve cut down massively on dairy and sugar.

I take vitamin c, vitamin d, calcium and folic acid.

This month I’m trying more. I’ve ordered a fertility lube. Now I’ve NEVER used lube… maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s as common place here in the UK as it is in America. I bought “conceive” plus. Has anyone used it and can share some stories? Has it helped? Is it icky?

A friend of mine also recommended cassava root. Has anyone had experience with this? I’ve read people who want twins take it… now don’t get me wrong, I’d LOVE a child but the idea of twins terrifies me!!

Anyone got other recommendations or things they take or things they do differently now? I’d be interested to hear them.

Insecurities

 

Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016

It hasn’t been a good week.

I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.

After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.

Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….

Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.

I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.

I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.

Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.

My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.

Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?

Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.