I admit it – I’m not feeling good. Hubby and I had another appointment yesterday and this one was pretty in depth in terms of how much information we got. I mean, it’s great to have it all.. But I think I was happier in my naive little safe bubble.
IVF wont help when it comes to miscarriages, so I might go through all this and still lose the baby.
I might over or under respond to treatment. I might not have enough good sized follicles. No 17mm follicles means no transfer. If I only have 1 17mm follicle then I can make the choice – go ahead and risk it (but it’ll count as one round) or scrap it and start the whole process again.
I might have great follicles and plenty to choose from, I might have great eggs and I can use hubbys great sperm and it still won’t work. For reasons totally unknown.
I always knew it wasn’t a guarantee but I just never realised how many ways it could NOT work.
I’ll start any time from now until July depending on when they can fit me in, so it’s really just a waiting game. Part of me wants it now, part of me is too scared for it to come.
Chapter 27 – 1.6.2016
It hasn’t been a good week.
I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m no longer married. I know that at some point I was, but for reasons that I never find out – my husband has left me.
After some Googling, I discovered that (the short meaning) is I’m insecure about something.
Insecure?! Jeez I’d never have thought that….
Don’t get me wrong, in my relationship I’m very happy (obviously I’m missing the baby, but everything else is great) but in myself, I can be horribly insecure.
I’ve dyed my hair twice in the last week and every time I do I end up in floods of tears thinking I look hideous. Ugly.
I take my make up off at night and notice my blemishes so much more.
Taking my make up off makes my hair look worse too.
My husband tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s seen and he doesn’t understand why I feel like this sometimes.
Am I insecure because I don’t look like the tanned, contoured girls on Instagram?
Am I insecure because my parents marriage ended horribly and I’m terrified it’ll happen to mine?
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m insecure because I’ve failed to keep a baby, or failed to get pregnant as quick as other women. I’m so hard on myself sometimes and I know it’s not healthy, but at the same time I just can’t shake these insecurities.