Absent minded

I’ve been absent again. I don’t even know what to say anymore without sounding like I’m making excuses. But I have been really busy. Moving flat, work, end of term coursework.. the usual.

I haven’t made any more IVF appointments yet. If it wasn’t for college I probably would, but I just can’t afford to take more time off. My logical mind fights with my hopeful heart constantly.

I’ve had 3 pregnancy announcements in as many months and every one has been difficult for me. More difficult than it’s ever been. I often think about stopping and just resuming normal service. But then I think;

Will I lie on my death bed with regrets? With wishes I had kept on trying?

It’s just always there isn’t it? Babies on adverts, babies on TV programmes, babies on the bus, babies in the local cafe, babies knocking on your door saying “Hello, I’m super cute but you can’t have me. You suck. Bye bye”

I feel I’m the last one to get pregnant. Everyone I’ve met through this journey, everyone who went through a loss, everyone has had their happy ending. And yes they still hurt. Yes they still mourn their lost ones. But their story has the fairytale ending. I’m still in the part where the wicked witch has me under a barren spell. When will my fairy godmother come and wave her baby dust wand? Will she come at all?