Happy Mug

Happy Mug

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So I received my mug a few days ago (from the MugSwap – check previous posts) and admittedly I was spoiled. The lovely Cyan from almostpregnant (I still can’t thank you enough) gave me a beautiful box with a mug – of course – with the words ‘think positive’, some snuggly socks, a cute little pineapple necklace, a flapjack, a handwritten card and these amazing IVF notecards. I still haven’t wrote in them yet, as half of me wants to fill them in so I can keep them in a little baby making/IVF memory box, but the other half is too scared to ruin them! Point is, I was seriously spoiled.

I’d had a rough day. I found out I might not get funding for my course next year which means I’ll need to use my student loan to pay my fees which of course now means I’ll need to work more days than I do now and it’s already a struggle and that’s before I’ve even started IVF.

Opening the box made me smile. And take a minute. I’ve been through so much already, I can get through this. Sure it might be a struggle and it might be hard, but this is one of those struggles where I actually have an end date. A date where the struggling and the juggling will be over.  We’re normally not the group of people who deal in certainties, but this is certain. It’ll be hard for a year, but then I’ll be qualified and working a job I love.

I have Cyan to thank for this moment of clarity. She reminded me why I started this mug swap in the first place – to show people we’re not alone in our struggles whatever they are. To show each other we’re here for support, advice or even just a listening ear. Whatever we need. And while my down day was college related and not – for once – baby related; it still gave me the same feelings of self doubt, panic and anxiety. The mug reminded me to think positive, the IVF cards reminded me I am strong and the necklace – well that reminded me to fuck it, and pour myself a pina colada!

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Quote-a-day (number 2)

Quote-a-day (number 2)

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There’s me talking about how the 3 day challenge is so much easier to stick to and how excited I was to do it, and suddenly I’m 4 days in and only have 1 quote!

My excuses – work, college, weekend, wine(s), a really good film, a christening and a birthday. I think you should let me off.

But here it is. Better late than never. Quote number 2:

“A day without laughter is a day wasted”

This was of course from the late, great Charlie Chaplin. I kind of wish I’d left this until the last day to finish on one of the greats, but I just had to put it in. I guess it sets me a challenge for tomorrow right?

Anyway, this quote. It’s a good one isn’t it? We need to laugh. We need to smile. And we need to remember that no matter what we’re going through, there’s always a reason to be happy. My husband makes me laugh. A lot. My friends silly texts make me giggle. Sticking on a stand up comedy or an episode of Friends does it for me too. Catching my dog trying desperately to catch her tail. Watching Kian pretend he’s a stuntman at the park. In all honesty it took me a while to see it, but everywhere I look there’s reasons to laugh and smile and just be happy.

What are some things that make you laugh?

Mug Swap

Mug Swap

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I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!

For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!

I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)

Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!

If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com

Me

Me

I’ve had this blog for nearly 3 years now and for the most part – I guess I’ve remained pretty anonymous. I thought maybe it’d be nice to open up and show you all ‘me’ – not just the miscarriage, infertility .. but the regular everyday me. So here goes.

My name’s Nicola, I’m 31 and I live in a small town just outside of Glasgow, Scotland. I think most people know that, but hey; it’s a starting point. I love being Scottish – I’m proud of our little country, and there really is no-one quite like the Glaswegians! I’m married – (you’re probably familiar with Nikki and my stepson Kian.) We have a dog – Kyla. She’s beautiful and just an absolute sweetheart. We had a snake called Abaddon (I mainly called him snakey to be honest) but he died and I cried a little.

I work part-time in a care home and I’m studying Early Education and Childcare at college full time. I’ll be qualified next June, which seems an eternity away. But then again, I feel like I’ve blinked and the last 3 years has gone in a minute.

I LOVE to travel and we try do it as much as time and money allows us. We’ve been to England, Berlin, Paris, Krakow, Cuba and Barcelona together and we’re off to Montenegro in Summer. Costa Rica and Nashville are the next ones on our list – but that’s going to be some big time saving so I imagine in between all the other stuff going on, it’ll take a few years. I regularly fantasise about winning big and spending the next few years travelling the World. Sadly, the most I’ve won is a tenner which barely gets me in to Glasgow city centre.

I love music – pretty much any kind – but top 5 would be: 1.Alice Cooper 2.Dolly Parton 3.Shinedown 4.Eminem (old school of course) 5.SIA (these change regularly depending what mood I’m in.. I mean, Celine Dion and Elvis have to be in there sometimes too)

I have – I think – 27 tattoos. I’ve always loved them. I’m torn between being a leather wearing, tatted rock star to wearing floral dresses, cowboy boots and chilling out at the Bluebird cafe (I wish).

I love going to see shows, going out for nice food, reading crime/thriller books, and watching a fair mix of decent & terrible T.V! Ru Pauls Drag Race is my number 1 guilty pleasure at the moment. (and hubbys too, shhh!)

I guess that’s the main things. Anything else you’d like to know – just ask. Let’s get to know each other. Hope you all feel like you know me a little better now. I’ve put some photos on as well so you can finally put a proper face to the person! So yeah.. Hi everyone!file__storage_emulated_0_WhatsApp_Media_WhatsApp Images_IMG-20180101-WA0040file__storage_emulated_0_Pictures_Instagram_IMG_20170728_180114_015file__storage_emulated_0_WhatsApp_Media_WhatsApp Images_IMG-20180101-WA0006IMG-20170418-WA0009file__storage_emulated_0_Pictures_Instagram_IMG_20170425_110604_703

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

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I unfollowed someone on Instagram yesterday because of her pregnancy announcement. 

In my defense, I never blocked her so you know – progress. 

We used to work together and it’s not that I’m unhappy for her – I just don’t want to see the picture updates. I don’t want to see the scans, the bumps, the pram, the clothes she’s buying. I don’t want to see them. Not yet. 

I felt kind of down for a few minutes – Ok 10 maybe – and then do you know what? 

I was okay.  

Totally fine actually (I still didn’t follow her again, but that’s neither here nor there). But I think that’s okay, I think that’s normal. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it’s easy to hear of pregnancies, or to look at people’s social media photos because it’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. But it also doesn’t make me feel the way it used to, and that has to be a good thing doesn’t it? 

It’s okay to be a little selfish at times, and it’s ok to not always be nice to everyone. You need to do what makes you feel good. Or what makes you feel even just a little bit better. 

I know I’ve earned the right to be a little selfish sometimes. Fuck it. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Do what you want to do. 

 

28..01.2018 

Over the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some. My top 5:  

  1. I hate being around children 
  1. I hate pregnant people 
  1. I’m too fragile to hear about your own pregnancy 
  1. There must be something wrong with me – I probably just can’t carry boys. 
  1. I’m not upset anymore. It was ages ago, and it wasn’t even a baby. 

So these things come up a lot. A lot. It’s hard to break the stigma around miscarriage and I know not everyone means to be nasty or hurtful. A lot of people just don’t know what to say, or are too scared to ask so they make their own judgements. But if you’re curious – here’s my answers: 

 

  1. No, I happen to love children. I’m studying childcare, and more often than not, I find them more fun than adults. Yes babies are hard, of course they are – but that doesn’t mean I hate being around them. 
  1. I do not hate pregnant people.  But imagine you losing your wife or husband or you recently went through a horrendous break up – seeing other people happy and in love would have an affect on you for a little while – you’d be a little upset. It’s normal. Same with me and pregnant people. After a loss it’s a little difficult. I’m not the devil. I’m human and I’m flawed. Just like you. 
  1. I am not an idiot. I’m more than aware that people get pregnant. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time – you can tell me. I might not be 100% happy all the time, and I may even ignore your social media pages for a little while but, I’m  more than capable of hearing about it and I’ll deal with it in my own way. And I can be happy for you. 
  1. Please do not try guess what is wrong with me. Nurses don’t know. Doctors don’t know. Teams of specialists don’t know. You certainly don’t know. Yes maybe your auntie “couldn’t carry boys ” (although how they ever found that is beyond me) but I’m not your auntie. I’ve had miscarriages. I’m now struggling to fall pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me. I am like millions of other women around the world. I’m  normal.  
  1. Ok so just don’t. Don’t ever tell me it wasn’t a baby. Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me how long I can feel sad. Don’t assume anything. I lost my children and I can never change that. But your assumptions and your judgments don’t help anything. If you want to know anything – just ask me. 

Anyone else deal with something similar? I know I’m not the only one!

 

 

Waiting

Waiting

Merry Christmas/Happy New year/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Other religious holidays I don’t really know much about. Hope everyone’s well. 

Baby-wise we never tried much over Christmas – Nikki was pretty sick for a few weeks so it was off the table – and I really didn’t mind. We had our THIRD appointment at the RMC (Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic) a few days ago and I finally feel we’re getting somewhere. Third time lucky I guess.. Except that really doesn’t mean anything to me. 

My specialist agrees that it isn’t “normal” to have this many losses for no reason, so she’s recommended I start progesterone as soon as I fall pregnant. She’s also sending me for an MRI to see if I have any abnormalities in my uterus. Well I can think of one straightaway love – it won’t keep a bloody baby in it!  

Maybe we’re getting somewhere now. Only time will tell.  

Time to stop

Time to stop

I know in my head that I can’t keep trying forever. Physically its impossible, and emotionally -well I don’t know how much longer I can go. 

Should I give myself an end date? Should I keep going until I physically can’t? Should I stop when I’m emotionally worn out, or by that point will there be too much damage already done?  

I’m at the start of a new cycle. Menstrual wise of course. Life wise it’s the same. I’m already exhausted and its barely even started.  

My present

My present

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This time two years ago I was putting last minute touches to my wedding plans. I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t know the pain of recurrent miscarriage. I had no idea that I was about to spend the next two years trying for a baby only to lose it every time. I had no idea I would have a frequent flyer card at my local hospital, no idea that I would spend hours researching acupuncture and tips on how to get pregnant (and stay that way). In fact, “full term pregnancy” wasn’t even in my vocabulary – it was just pregnancy. A simple straightforward word. It stood alone. The only thing that followed ‘pregnancy’ was ‘baby’. 

I sometimes imagine myself in 5, 10 years – in a detached house with 2 or 3 kids (including Kian), we’re financially secure and of course ecstatically happy and then I realise I have to stop myself. I have no idea what the future holds for me – that’s more obvious to me now than it’s ever been.  

I need to stop imagining and fantasizing. I need to live my life. I need to forget about my past, I need to stop picturing my future and I really need to try enjoy  just living in my present. 

“Try” – optimal word.