It’s a date

Transfer number 3 booked for Thursday. I don’t have a time yet. I’m not sure how it works in other clinics, but mine gives me a 2 hour window. I’ll get a phone call on Thursday morning and they’ll give me a time to come in (with at least 2 hours notice)

I’ve started the pessaries, but I’ve been taking them the “other” way. I can’t think of a nice way of saying “up my bum”.

Last time I got thrush and my vagina was unbelievably painful, so I switched it up this time. Now the only physical side effect is a whole load of farts.

I’ve been really emotional (erratic is a more accurate description to be honest) and have been feeling a little overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to meditate more to counteract the hormones and it’s helping a little. I definitely feel more like “me” this time round.

*update* I’ve text my brother a few times. I’m not ready to see him yet, but I am making an effort to keep communication open

Oh, Brother

My brother phoned me a few minutes ago to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant.

I burst in to tears, muttered congratulations, told him I had to go and immediately hung up.

2 days before my scan and this is the phone call I get. While I’m fucking full of hormones.

It’s a reaction I haven’t experienced in so long and to be honest I’m annoyed at myself for reacting the way I did. But I can’t lie to myself. I thought it didn’t hurt as much anymore, but I guess I was wrong.

I always imagined going shopping with my mum while she browsed the rails for clothes for her first grandchild. I pictured her excitedly telling her workmates that her first grandchild was due in a few months. I love that she gets to do all this, it just hurts that it won’t be my baby she’s talking about. I know what you’re thinking; who needs a baby with me around ay?

I’m jealous. It’s horrible to admit but it’s true. It’s a shitty emotion and one that’s almost impossible to hide. How am I going to face him and act okay?

They’ve been together about a week (I’m exaggerating and being childish of course) And here’s me – married for nearly 5 years and painfully and frustratingly trying to have a baby for most of that time to no avail.

It sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. Or maybe there is? It’s shitty. It’s unfair. It hurts. It makes me feel things I hate feeling. It makes me feel like a bad person. Like a bad friend. Like a bad sister.

I know it will pass and I will be happy for them. Of course I will. I just need one night to be a little bit of a dickhead.

And we’re off

I had another IVF appointment yesterday; this time to have an internal scan and collect some meds.

They scan you a few days after your period stops to see how your lining looks. They want it to be nice and thin before they can make it thick again. (It’s a strange process)

For some reason a “thin lining” always sounds much more pleasant than a thick one don’t you think?

Anyway, she had a look and it seems my little reproductive organs are looking fantastic. Lining is perfect. I took this as a good sign. (last time it was too thick and we had to come back two days later).

The nurse who scanned me was the same nurse who was called to take me to the ward after the ectopic. She remembered me. At first I thought I must have made a great impression, then I realised it’s probably because she’s not seen too many IVF twin pregnancies resulting in miscarriage AND ectopic. Either way, I’m obviously very memorable.

I left the appointment feeling much more positive. Much more excited. I’m allowing myself to look forward to the possibilities. The “what if’s” are much happier this time around.

The Secret

I’ve been reading “The Secret” recently and I am in no means exaggerating when I say it’s changed (and changing) my life.

If you haven’t read it, I won’t go in to too much detail but it essentially tells you how your thoughts are so powerful and they become your reality. It’s through reading this that I realised how negative I’ve been over the past few years. Even thoughts like “I don’t want to be late” can be construed as negative.

I’ve been crippled with self doubt and low self esteem and it largely stems from experiencing so many losses. But recently I’ve been making changes. Hubby bought me a mini journal and I’ve been writing positive thoughts in it and reading it every day. I’ve been looking at my body and telling myself I look amazing. Why is it, that as women we’re not allowed to do that? That if you’re proud of your body, or you compliment yourself – people don’t seem to like it? I think you should all try it. Write down positive notes to yourself and read them every day for 2 weeks and see how you feel after it?

My confidence has grown (I’m still a work in progress) and I feel so much more relaxed and positive. I’m not getting stressed and anxious about as many things any more. I remind myself every day of what I’m grateful for and I really do believe I’ll achieve anything I want to.

I’m going in to this next round of IVF as a much calmer, more excited person. I used to say “What if this fails, what if I lose the baby”? I was always worried and panicking, but now I’m going in to this saying

“What if we have a baby?”