Our 3rd transfer failed. No takers.
I’m okay now. I felt like shit at first,but I’m okay now. 1 more frozen embryo left in this round so hopefully this little guy or girl is a big bully embryo and has been threatening all the other embryos not to implant because they want to meet me.
So yeah, turns out I’m basically wishing for a little aggressive child.
Transfer number 3 booked for Thursday. I don’t have a time yet. I’m not sure how it works in other clinics, but mine gives me a 2 hour window. I’ll get a phone call on Thursday morning and they’ll give me a time to come in (with at least 2 hours notice)
I’ve started the pessaries, but I’ve been taking them the “other” way. I can’t think of a nice way of saying “up my bum”.
Last time I got thrush and my vagina was unbelievably painful, so I switched it up this time. Now the only physical side effect is a whole load of farts.
I’ve been really emotional (erratic is a more accurate description to be honest) and have been feeling a little overwhelmed. I’ve been trying to meditate more to counteract the hormones and it’s helping a little. I definitely feel more like “me” this time round.
*update* I’ve text my brother a few times. I’m not ready to see him yet, but I am making an effort to keep communication open
My brother phoned me a few minutes ago to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant.
I burst in to tears, muttered congratulations, told him I had to go and immediately hung up.
2 days before my scan and this is the phone call I get. While I’m fucking full of hormones.
It’s a reaction I haven’t experienced in so long and to be honest I’m annoyed at myself for reacting the way I did. But I can’t lie to myself. I thought it didn’t hurt as much anymore, but I guess I was wrong.
I always imagined going shopping with my mum while she browsed the rails for clothes for her first grandchild. I pictured her excitedly telling her workmates that her first grandchild was due in a few months. I love that she gets to do all this, it just hurts that it won’t be my baby she’s talking about. I know what you’re thinking; who needs a baby with me around ay?
I’m jealous. It’s horrible to admit but it’s true. It’s a shitty emotion and one that’s almost impossible to hide. How am I going to face him and act okay?
They’ve been together about a week (I’m exaggerating and being childish of course) And here’s me – married for nearly 5 years and painfully and frustratingly trying to have a baby for most of that time to no avail.
It sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. Or maybe there is? It’s shitty. It’s unfair. It hurts. It makes me feel things I hate feeling. It makes me feel like a bad person. Like a bad friend. Like a bad sister.
I know it will pass and I will be happy for them. Of course I will. I just need one night to be a little bit of a dickhead.
I had another IVF appointment yesterday; this time to have an internal scan and collect some meds.
They scan you a few days after your period stops to see how your lining looks. They want it to be nice and thin before they can make it thick again. (It’s a strange process)
For some reason a “thin lining” always sounds much more pleasant than a thick one don’t you think?
Anyway, she had a look and it seems my little reproductive organs are looking fantastic. Lining is perfect. I took this as a good sign. (last time it was too thick and we had to come back two days later).
The nurse who scanned me was the same nurse who was called to take me to the ward after the ectopic. She remembered me. At first I thought I must have made a great impression, then I realised it’s probably because she’s not seen too many IVF twin pregnancies resulting in miscarriage AND ectopic. Either way, I’m obviously very memorable.
I left the appointment feeling much more positive. Much more excited. I’m allowing myself to look forward to the possibilities. The “what if’s” are much happier this time around.
I never really shared my last round of IVF with anyone. I’m an advocate for telling the “12 week rule” to go fuck itself (apologies for colourful language) but for some reason I wanted to do the whole thing alone.
Maybe out of fear? But isn’t that what I’m speaking out against. Talk about it. Tell people what you’re going through. People want to support you.
I say these things to people over and over again but strangely, I chose not to follow my own advice and where did it get me? Up baby loss creek without a bloody paddle.
I needed people to know what had happened. Why I couldn’t be arsed going out for dinner. Or why I was popping pretty high dose painkillers every 4 hours. Or why there were stitches all over my bloody body and why I had grew 2 dress sizes over night. (I swear the laparoscopy put a couple of stone on me)
This time it’s different. I’m sharing. Social media, family, work, friends, strangers. Whoever the Hell wants to listen. If I want people’s attitude to change around baby loss then the change has to start with me.
So, on the 21st June I go get my drugs and we start attempt number 3. And I’ll shout it from the rooftops. I’m no longer afraid of “jinxing” it. Going in to it with that thought is already starting on a negative footing and I’m all about going in to this much more relaxed and more positive.
I’m excited about what our future holds. I know other people are excited too, and I want them to be a part of it this time.
I’ve been absent again. I don’t even know what to say anymore without sounding like I’m making excuses. But I have been really busy. Moving flat, work, end of term coursework.. the usual.
I haven’t made any more IVF appointments yet. If it wasn’t for college I probably would, but I just can’t afford to take more time off. My logical mind fights with my hopeful heart constantly.
I’ve had 3 pregnancy announcements in as many months and every one has been difficult for me. More difficult than it’s ever been. I often think about stopping and just resuming normal service. But then I think;
Will I lie on my death bed with regrets? With wishes I had kept on trying?
It’s just always there isn’t it? Babies on adverts, babies on TV programmes, babies on the bus, babies in the local cafe, babies knocking on your door saying “Hello, I’m super cute but you can’t have me. You suck. Bye bye”
I feel I’m the last one to get pregnant. Everyone I’ve met through this journey, everyone who went through a loss, everyone has had their happy ending. And yes they still hurt. Yes they still mourn their lost ones. But their story has the fairytale ending. I’m still in the part where the wicked witch has me under a barren spell. When will my fairy godmother come and wave her baby dust wand? Will she come at all?
There’s me talking about how the 3 day challenge is so much easier to stick to and how excited I was to do it, and suddenly I’m 4 days in and only have 1 quote!
My excuses – work, college, weekend, wine(s), a really good film, a christening and a birthday. I think you should let me off.
But here it is. Better late than never. Quote number 2:
This was of course from the late, great Charlie Chaplin. I kind of wish I’d left this until the last day to finish on one of the greats, but I just had to put it in. I guess it sets me a challenge for tomorrow right?
Anyway, this quote. It’s a good one isn’t it? We need to laugh. We need to smile. And we need to remember that no matter what we’re going through, there’s always a reason to be happy. My husband makes me laugh. A lot. My friends silly texts make me giggle. Sticking on a stand up comedy or an episode of Friends does it for me too. Catching my dog trying desperately to catch her tail. Watching Kian pretend he’s a stuntman at the park.
In all honesty it took me a while to see it, but everywhere I look there’s reasons to laugh and smile and just be happy.
What are some things that make you laugh?
I can’t believe I never mentioned this before. I guess my heads been in the clouds a little.
Anyway, around 2 months ago I received a notification that Hubby had nominated me for a ‘Butterfly Award’. They – amongst other things – recognise people that bring awareness to miscarriage or baby loss via blogs/books/social media/making keepsakes/etc. I’m nominated under the blogger category.
I know that my blog is pretty tiny in comparison to some – I have around 150 followers – but my husband knows how much the blog means to me. If I’ve ever had a bad day he always says to me “You should blog. It helps you”. And he’s right. It always does, and I hope it helps other people too.
If anyone is interested – you can attend the Butterfly Awards ceremony without being nominated/shortlisted. Just pop over to their facebook or website and you can purchase tickets. You can also sponsor or donate there too.
Last day of college placement for 2 weeks! Thank the Lord!
Don’t get me wrong, I love placement and I love working with the children but I’m exhausted. We’re coming to the end of the course so there’s a lot of work getting crammed in and I’m so looking forward to having a break.
I’ll still be working a few days, but that’s about it. I am making zero plans outwith that. I’m going to wake up after 9, drink coffee in bed and wear clothes that don’t have buttons or zips and hell – I might even go bra-less for a few days.
My I.V.F appointment is this Tuesday so I’m hoping I’ll have a better idea of a timescale then. It’s just a bit of a guessing game so far, but I’m thinking I’ll have my first round in June. Now excuse me while I get undressed and watch T.V in bed for 8 hours straight.
Over the past few years I’ve encountered a fair amount of misconceptions, or judgments relating to my miscarriages and I thought I’d share some. My top 5:
So these things come up a lot. A lot. It’s hard to break the stigma around miscarriage and I know not everyone means to be nasty or hurtful. A lot of people just don’t know what to say, or are too scared to ask so they make their own judgements. But if you’re curious – here’s my answers:
Anyone else deal with something similar? I know I’m not the only one!
TrimestersAndTribulations 