And it’s all in my head…

And it’s all in my head…

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So it turned up yesterday. 26 fucking days. In 15 years I have never experienced 26 day cycle.. but for some reason for the last 2 months; shes turned up after 26 days.

So now I have no idea when I’m ovulating.. I never know what length of cycle my body will decide to have, and if im perfectly honest.. the CM checking is all just a guess at best.

I don’t want to go down the route of ovulation testing for 2 reasons:
1) They aren’t 100% and I worry I won’t use them right, or I’ll miss the surge, or I’ll get a dodgy pack. Whatever. Too many variables.
2) I’m trying not to put loads of pressure on myself, and I feel by testing it’s taking the fun out of everything and adding extra stress to the situation. Does that make sense?

I already feel stressed and as every single web page/family member/work colleague tells me.. “stress isn’t good when you’re trying for a baby.”

It’s been 16 months of constant trying and I’m starting to lose hope. Yes, I’ve been pregnant twice in that time but what does that matter? One of those only made it to 4/5weeks! Doc’s say nothings wrong but this can’t be normal. It can’t be this hard.
I also won’t get any sort of help until I’m 35… Does that mean I have another 6 years of this? At least?

I don’t know if I can deal with feeling like this every single month. Crying.. feeling like a failure. And if one day, I do get pregnant.. can I handle another loss?

Ugh.. it’s one of those days. Again.

Symptom tracking/imagining

Symptom tracking/imagining

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Its the last stretch of the TWW. I’m due from any day between  Thurs and Sun. Most likely toward the end of the week though,as I’m usually a 30 day cycle.

So far I’ve had sensitive, tingly nipples, the veins on my breasts look more prominent, I’ve been tired, ive been getting up at night to pee, I haven’t had any of my normal PMS symptoms and its felt ‘different’ during fun times with the husband. By different I mean deeper and sore at times. Sorry. I know it’s TMI, but it’s the biggest symptom for me.

So from that, I’m taking it that I’m pregnant. Hoping.

Of course.. these symptoms are probably all in my head and the red devil will turn up bang on time this week. Judging by my past luck, this is the most likely outcome. I also HATE that I’m even considering I might be pregnant. It makes it so much harder when it doesn’t happen.

Hate this bloody TWW.

The not so well known FWW

The not so well known FWW

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I’ve not long entered the TWW stage – periods due in around 11-13 days (I’m usually 28-30 but rarely consistent which makes it hard to pinpoint exact ovulation date)

I use a pretty basic app to check my dates but it’s only an estimate and I rely on CM the rest of the time – again; I’m never 100%, I just hope for the best if I’m honest.

Women who are actively trying or struggling know how frustrating the TWW (two week wait) can be.. it just seems to go on and on…and on and on.. and on!

But – and I’m sure I’m not alone in this – its nothing compared to the FWW (four week wait). I’ve realised that the minute I get those cramps, or when I pee and theres a hint of red on the paper; when my period annoyingly arrives – I’m on my countdown.

Ok, so not pregnant… now what?

Countdown to Aunt Flow pissing  off (sorry) taking with her the constant reminder of the fact I’m not pregnant.

Countdown to ovulation week which everyone tells us is supposed to be the fun part (listen, of course I have fun during the stuff,  but there’s still all this underlying pressure).

Countdown to the week your due ‘on’ (eugh I hate that). Trying to read signs. Am I cramping? Am I emotional? How’s my skin looking? Am I craving chocolate  (Hell, I’m ALWAYS craving chocolate)

Ok.. Period should be here now. I’m late. Good. Or is it? I’m not always regular. I’m getting my hopes up. I’m now 2 days late. Am I pregnant? 3 days late. Nope. Here she bloody is!!! (excuse the pun)

So i guess the countdown starts again.

*screams*

Repost – 12 weeks

Repost – 12 weeks

I still have such vivid memories of the day that it terrifies me. Sometimes it’s all my mind will allow me to think about. The thoughts crop up every so often, and they’re almost always without warning. I could be watching the television, reading a book or even relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath then suddenly there it is – right at the forefront of my mind. It can feel like I’m watching a film, only I can’t stop it, can’t pause it and can never ever find the eject button. 

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365 days later

365 days later

Exactly one year ago today, I was on honeymoon in Cuba lying in a tiny strange medical centre having a miscarriage.
Today.. I’m in work – not pregnant, but having had yet another miscarriage .

I still sometimes can’t believe it’s been a whole year. A year and not a single day has passed where I haven’t thought about it, if even briefly.

I’m going to re-post my short story I wrote about this miscarriage. It was the sole reason I started this blog, and I’m reposting it as a kind of closure… I’m closing the book and looking to the future.

I hope if anyone hasn’t read the original post,  they’ll take the time to do it now.

Pandoras Box

Pandoras Box

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There’s a box in my living room that I’ve filled with our wedding mementos. It’s actually an old suitcase that we found at a vintage market and used it at the wedding as a place for guests to put their cards in, but It fits in perfectly with the decor in our living room. We have have vintage kind of thing going on.

Now it serves as a holder for said cards, the guestbook, my garter, a copy of the invitations, our vows, my hairband/tiara thing and some other little memories.

As a wedding gift, I bought my husband a pocket watch he’d been eyeing up in the kilt shop and had it engraved for him. I also got a little notepad as a private gift between us that contains; well, notes basically.

Notes like ’10 reasons why I love you’, Where I see us in 10 years’, ‘My favourite memory together’ and other equally as cute and romantic notes.

This tiny little 4″ x 4″ notepad is the sole reason why I don’t look in the wedding box anymore. Until today.

I had to put something inside it today and me being me, just couldn’t stop myself from looking at the notepad. ‘Forever Young’ by Audra Mae was playing in the background (I always have music playing while I tidy, and it was stupidly on shuffle today so it never skipped by the emotional ones) and I started to cry. I tried in vain to stop – I had just applied my make up for work so I mean I really tried to stop

There was notes about how my husband was such a good father and he was going to be a brilliant one again to our little one. How we had everything we ever wanted, and life was pretty much perfect. We used to call the baby lentil (because he/she is the size of a lentil at a certain point of pregnancy – I’ve seen a few other people do this), so there was a mention of how I love that he would do anything for me, Kian and lentil.  Just seeing that word broke my heart. Lentil. We never named our baby as the loss was at 12 weeks, but it’s almost like Lentil became it’s name so seeing it written down, it just made everything so real again.

Next week will be 1 year since we lost the little one and although I am in a much better place now, I can’t ever see myself being completely okay. I’ll always have the ‘should’ve been’ dates in my mind and I’ll always wonder why it had to happen.