Adopting a new attitude.

Adopting a new attitude.

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I was out for dinner and drinks (a lot of drinks) on Saturday night with the husband, and his aunt and uncle. They’re both in their forties  and are going through the adoption process at the minute.

They tried for a long time to have children of their own.. I think they had two or three failed IVF attempts and they mutually agreed to stop because the Clomid wasn’t doing my aunt any favours. I don’t know every detail because they don’t really discuss it a lot but im sure they’ve had to deal with miscarriage too.

I was always unsure about adoption. Not that I don’t think it’s it’s wonderful, selfless thing to do.. but I just wasn’t sure it was for me. Now though,  I could see myself warming to the idea. Don’t get me wrong.. I want to continue trying naturally for a few more years,  but if it came to it.. and it wasn’t happening for us – it’s something I would definitely consider.

I don’t know if the process is different in America, but here they’ve been able to pick their age group of “0-4”. They’ve been scrutinised for a long time – their jobs, their home, their relationship with each other and with other family members.. its been a long draining process for them I think.

Their final step is to go to a panel, then if they’re approved by them.. it’ll just be a waiting game. Once a child is best matched for them, they’ll be able to bring them home.
(Fostering to begin with, then eventually adoption).

My husband said how amazing it is that in a few months time there could be a new addition to our family.. a child out there somewhere that has no idea his or her life will change for the better. They’ll be with parents that will love them so much, and welcomed in to a family that knows how important they are. It really is a beautiful thing.

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The not so well known FWW

The not so well known FWW

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I’ve not long entered the TWW stage – periods due in around 11-13 days (I’m usually 28-30 but rarely consistent which makes it hard to pinpoint exact ovulation date)

I use a pretty basic app to check my dates but it’s only an estimate and I rely on CM the rest of the time – again; I’m never 100%, I just hope for the best if I’m honest.

Women who are actively trying or struggling know how frustrating the TWW (two week wait) can be.. it just seems to go on and on…and on and on.. and on!

But – and I’m sure I’m not alone in this – its nothing compared to the FWW (four week wait). I’ve realised that the minute I get those cramps, or when I pee and theres a hint of red on the paper; when my period annoyingly arrives – I’m on my countdown.

Ok, so not pregnant… now what?

Countdown to Aunt Flow pissing  off (sorry) taking with her the constant reminder of the fact I’m not pregnant.

Countdown to ovulation week which everyone tells us is supposed to be the fun part (listen, of course I have fun during the stuff,  but there’s still all this underlying pressure).

Countdown to the week your due ‘on’ (eugh I hate that). Trying to read signs. Am I cramping? Am I emotional? How’s my skin looking? Am I craving chocolate  (Hell, I’m ALWAYS craving chocolate)

Ok.. Period should be here now. I’m late. Good. Or is it? I’m not always regular. I’m getting my hopes up. I’m now 2 days late. Am I pregnant? 3 days late. Nope. Here she bloody is!!! (excuse the pun)

So i guess the countdown starts again.

*screams*

Repost – 12 weeks

Repost – 12 weeks

I still have such vivid memories of the day that it terrifies me. Sometimes it’s all my mind will allow me to think about. The thoughts crop up every so often, and they’re almost always without warning. I could be watching the television, reading a book or even relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath then suddenly there it is – right at the forefront of my mind. It can feel like I’m watching a film, only I can’t stop it, can’t pause it and can never ever find the eject button. 

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365 days later

365 days later

Exactly one year ago today, I was on honeymoon in Cuba lying in a tiny strange medical centre having a miscarriage.
Today.. I’m in work – not pregnant, but having had yet another miscarriage .

I still sometimes can’t believe it’s been a whole year. A year and not a single day has passed where I haven’t thought about it, if even briefly.

I’m going to re-post my short story I wrote about this miscarriage. It was the sole reason I started this blog, and I’m reposting it as a kind of closure… I’m closing the book and looking to the future.

I hope if anyone hasn’t read the original post,  they’ll take the time to do it now.

Pandoras Box

Pandoras Box

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There’s a box in my living room that I’ve filled with our wedding mementos. It’s actually an old suitcase that we found at a vintage market and used it at the wedding as a place for guests to put their cards in, but It fits in perfectly with the decor in our living room. We have have vintage kind of thing going on.

Now it serves as a holder for said cards, the guestbook, my garter, a copy of the invitations, our vows, my hairband/tiara thing and some other little memories.

As a wedding gift, I bought my husband a pocket watch he’d been eyeing up in the kilt shop and had it engraved for him. I also got a little notepad as a private gift between us that contains; well, notes basically.

Notes like ’10 reasons why I love you’, Where I see us in 10 years’, ‘My favourite memory together’ and other equally as cute and romantic notes.

This tiny little 4″ x 4″ notepad is the sole reason why I don’t look in the wedding box anymore. Until today.

I had to put something inside it today and me being me, just couldn’t stop myself from looking at the notepad. ‘Forever Young’ by Audra Mae was playing in the background (I always have music playing while I tidy, and it was stupidly on shuffle today so it never skipped by the emotional ones) and I started to cry. I tried in vain to stop – I had just applied my make up for work so I mean I really tried to stop

There was notes about how my husband was such a good father and he was going to be a brilliant one again to our little one. How we had everything we ever wanted, and life was pretty much perfect. We used to call the baby lentil (because he/she is the size of a lentil at a certain point of pregnancy – I’ve seen a few other people do this), so there was a mention of how I love that he would do anything for me, Kian and lentil.  Just seeing that word broke my heart. Lentil. We never named our baby as the loss was at 12 weeks, but it’s almost like Lentil became it’s name so seeing it written down, it just made everything so real again.

Next week will be 1 year since we lost the little one and although I am in a much better place now, I can’t ever see myself being completely okay. I’ll always have the ‘should’ve been’ dates in my mind and I’ll always wonder why it had to happen.

Coming Home

Coming Home

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I arrived home yesterday from my trip to Paris with the hubby. I’m still not pregnant  – I know this because I got my period 3 days early while we were away. I have to just get that out the way straightaway. I’m gutted obviously BUT..and this is huge thing for me.. I didn’t cry at being a total failure at getting pregnant. That’s the first month ever I think that I haven’t cried so it’s a mini victory I guess. I was more pissed off that I couldn’t have more “husband n wife” kind of fun to be honest!

Paris was good – I can’t say it was everything I expected because it wasn’t. Bits of it weren’t nice and I was pick pocketed as soon as we arrived (the boy gave us it back which is bizarre, but still.. it shook me up a little)

Eiffel Tower, The Louvre, The Catacombs, Pere Lachaise Cemetery and Disneyland were all what I was hoping for and more though. We walked around holding hands, taking embarrassing touristy selfies and just laughing. I never felt down about not being pregnant.. I thought about it of course; I always bloody think about it.. But I was okay. I was good.

I enjoyed glasses of red wine and rare steak (well, it was classed as medium by French standards – their rare is still mooing) and I didnt have to worry. I went on Space Mountain and Tower of Terror (and terrifying it was, believe me) and I knew I wasn’t risking anything. I couldnt have done any of that if I was pregnant! I’m starting to focus on positives now because there IS a positive side to not being pregnant and while it’s pretty miniscule, it’s important I try focus on it otherwise I’ll make myself crazy.

Au Revoir!!

Au Revoir!!

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So I’m a little premature but between work and organising myself (I.e figuring out how to squeeze enough shoes and clothes and make up into tiny hand luggage) I doubt I’ll have time to blog before I go.

On the 25th January (Burns night to any fellow Scots out there) my husband and I will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary. Of course last year we were pregnant and excited and blablabla – we all know how that did NOT turn out. BUT! I am positive Nicola for the time being and I’m being positive about our future and about our upcoming 4 day trip to the city of luurrvveee (don’t worry I hate me too for saying that). PARIS!

We’re really trying to put the past behind us now. Not in a ‘forgetting what happened ‘ kinda way, just more like trying not to let it rule us.
So this trip is going to be a good trip. We’re going to be those annoying tourists and do annoying tourist things like go to the Louvre, Notre Dame, Catacombs, Eiffel Tower, Pete Lachaise and…. DISNEYLAND. (I’m 29 and not even slightly ashamed). We’re going to take loads of pictures, do loads of kissing, eat escargot and freshly baked croissants and maybe have some ‘grown-up’ fun  (and actually for FUN because I won’t be TTC) and most importantly I WILL NOT CRY!!! Nope. I won’t.

Oh for anyone that is just dying to know how I’m getting on, I’ll be trying to upload some pics on my IG account if I get time. (You can search “sideshownikki” to get me)

Recurrent miscarriage clinic….

Recurrent miscarriage clinic….

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I have an appointment tomorrow with the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I officially suffer from “recurrent miscarriages”. I’ve just turned 29.. I hate that this is an issue for me. I find it so hard to stay positive sometimes. All my family and friends say “it’ll happen eventually. .when the time is right”

I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, but I end up just nodding while seething on the inside; frustrated at their total lack of understanding.

A lot of women whose blogs I follow are now pregnant and admittedly I sometimes struggle reading the posts which makes me totally hate myself. (Btw if ur one of these women, please don’t take offence.. I am genuinely so happy for you and 99% of the time ur posts keep me going!)

People that know what I’m going through seem to feel the need to come and tell me about their neighbour/sister/daughter/cousin/niece who’s trying for her 7th baby or just announced she’s pregnant after she forgot to take her pill that one day. Eugh. Wtf is that?!

Anyway.. I’ll see what happens tomorrow. See what tests they’ll do, and what insensitive medical jargon they’ll say. I might even count how many times they tell me that i shouldnt worry.. “you’re  still young!”

Checking in…..

Checking in…..

I havent wrote in a while and I really don’t know why. I usually feel more compelled to write here when I’m
upset which I need to try get out the habit of.

I’ve been busy with work and getting organised for Xmas so writing prob hasn’t been a priority.

Im coming to the end of my TWW .. im actually due either tomorrow or Friday (I’m usually day 30 or day 31) and I’ve been trying not to think about it too much. I don’t feel pregnant, but then I didnt really feel pregant any other time either. I’ve been using the app Clue which i strongly recommend to people that are TTC. According to that my PMS should well have kicked in by now and I’m surprisingly calm and laidback – normally I’m a crazy bitch. I can totally admit that. Seriously, my poor husband. Anyway, is that a good sign? Is it even a sign or am I clutching?

I just can’t shake the feeling that somethings wrong and it’s not going to happen for me.

All I hear is that I shouldn’t worry cos I’ve got pregnant before,  but how does that help? Yea ive been pregnant twice but both those pregnancies ended in miscarriage so obviously something isn’t right. It’s been 8months since my miscarriage. Time keeps moving, and the more it does the less I believe this journey will end the way I want it to.

Escaping the grey…

Escaping the grey…

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So AF is due next week.. Next Thursday to be precise and I’m feeling relatively calm this time round. I actually think we hit ovulation time pretty spot on, although we aren’t being super strict and stressing about it (or at least trying not to; it’s easier said than done). We’re still doing ‘it’ a couple times during my “hot week” as I like to call it. I’m sure thats the technical term anyway.

I can honestly say that this is the first month since my M/C that I actually feel ok about not being pregnant. I finally feel in a good place. Yes, of course I would still love to see that big fat positive on Thursday, but if I don’t that’s ok. I’m happier now than what I was. I feel content just being around my husband and my stepson. I’m looking forward to things now, like going trick-or-treating in a few weeks (for my stepson, not me – promise!). I apologise for mentioning it, but I’m excited about Christmas. I absolutely cannot wait to go to Paris in January for our anniversary – plus – we’re taking the wee man with us for a surprise trip to Disneyland!! What i’m trying to get at is, I’m going to enjoy all these things whether I’m pregnant or not. It isn’t everything to me right now. I need to be here for my family and stop letting it eat away at me.

When I really sit down and take a look at my life, I’m actually pretty lucky. Ok, so I don’t have my baby right now and thats horrible… but look what I do have. I have a husband who loves me and a stepson who adores me. I get to share most of my days with the 2 people that mean the most to me, and nothing will change that. I’m finally happy.

I want to say to the people that have suffered like so many of us have… just know that it does get easier. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it may take a while to get there.. but I promise you, you will.

P.S the pic i put is the spot where we buried the letter and booties for the baby. We put the wee flower on top too. (if you’ve read my post 12 weeks you’ll know what Im talking about). It’s in the Hotel Sol Cayo Coco in Cuba, and we really hope to go back one day….