Ups And Downs

Ups And Downs


It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. I think I say things a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the real ups and downs of all of this. Some days are definitely more shitty than others. 

I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hell’s Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out. 

We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that? 

I experience a lot of self doubt sometimes. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine ever actually being a mum. 

I started Googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Probably around 2 or 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you hear about a lot of people getting pregnant when they were shit faced on vodka don’t you? (Just look at Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’) 

Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better. 


2 thoughts on “Ups And Downs

  1. I would say, don’t give up, but a week before we found out we were pregnant this time I also said I was done for good. Obviously now I’m glad I didn’t say that a month earlier. But honestly, if something happened to this baby, I don’t know if I’d try again. I see a grief counselor for our last loss, Fiona, and she was able to offer me some wisdom as she had 3 late 1st trimester miscarriages (past 10 weeks) and fought infertility for years before having her 3 (maybe 4?) children. It really helped me a lot, and I hope it’ll help you as well. Basically, she said if there’s any chance you’re going to look back in a year and say “what if we would have tried 1,3,6 more months? What if it would have worked?” Then don’t stop. But if you can say, “You know, I’ve given 100% of myself to this, I’ve tried everything, and it just didn’t work and I’m ready to move on to the next part of my life,” then it’s probably safe to stop. But, again, if I were in your shoes I’d fight a little longer. Maybe have some testing done to check your hormones and also your husbands sperm? Fathering a child doesn’t mean you’re super fertile. It’s worth doing the tests, I think, so you can figure out a plan that’s tailored for you. We had SEVEN chemical pregnancies, all because of low progesterone. It literally could have been avoided by a simple prescription if I had tested sooner. Just, consider your options and really think it through. I can tell through your posts that you’re already an amazing mother and that having children is something you’re obviously passionate about. I hope you’ll get everything you desire and more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this comment!! I know you’re right. There’s so much more fight left. It hasn’t been THAT long in the grand scheme of things!

      I’ve had all the tests to determine why I’m having miscarriages but for now they wont test fertility wise because I’ve been pregnant in the last year.. it needs to be a year of trying.

      But if and when that time comes I’ll be getting (demanding) every test available to me.

      Again.. Thank you for this. It’s the little pep talk I needed!!

      Liked by 1 person

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