It hasn’t been the best couple of days for me. If you’ve read my last post, that won’t exactly come as a surprise. I probably post a bit too hastily at times, but I think it shows the ups and downs of TTC. Some days are definitely more shitty than others.
I had a bit of a cry last night. I don’t really know where it came from. One minute I was eating a burrito and watching Hells Kitchen and the next I was bawling my eyes out.
We have a few wedding pictures up around the house (perfectly normal of course) but when I get my bad days, I always find them hard to look at. I was 10 weeks pregnant then and part of me hates how perfect everything was. I looked at them last night, thinking how much of our life changed in an instant. One morning our baby was there and only a few hours later…. gone. Just like that. How do you ever accept that?
I had the whole self doubt thing happen again. Thinking that the problem obviously lies with me, seeing as my husband already has a son. Thinking that I can’t picture myself being pregnant again. I can’t imagine giving birth. I can’t imagine being a mum.
I started googling all the different ways to help with fertility (which I’m sure I’ve already done 1000 times) – checked the things I should and shouldn’t be doing, but realised I’m already doing everything! I drink red wine sometimes. Very moderately i’d say – probably around 3 glasses a week . I’ve decided to stop altogether. Maybe it’ll make a difference, maybe it won’t. I mean, you do hear about a lot of people getting knocked up when they were shit faced on vodka. (Just look at Katherine Heigl eh?)
Anyway.. that was last night and this is tonight. Tonight is better.