It was my neices 1st birthday party on Sunday and I can honestly say I was really looking forward to it all week. She’s at the age now where she can really show an array of different emotions and she gets super excited when she sees something she likes. She does this thing with her hands, like shaking them with excitement and its insanely cute. We’d got her some cute gifts so I couldn’t wait to see her wee face.
On the Saturday before I did a 10hour shift in the care home I work at. Id got home at half 10 at night then up again at 6am for another full shift. Straight from work I’d arrived at the party and I was bloody exhausted. Physically and mentally. My work can be so draining at times.
The house was filled with people – kids, adults, babies… it just seemed so busy, so confined. After the present giving (which btw, was as good as I’d hoped/imagined) I kind of just wanted to go. I just wanted to be home. I had this huge feeling of sadness come over me. This was a huge milestone in my neices life and I was never going to experience that with my baby. They would never have a first birthday. Or a first Xmas. First day at school. They would have nothing. They arent even here anymore. Do you ever really shake that feeling??
I should probably explain why I was slightly more emotional than normal just to put it into prospective. I was due on Friday and when my period never came I stupidly tested. It came back negative which I knew would happen to be honest. I think I was around a week late last time before I got a positive
Its now day 35 of my usual 30,31 day cycle. I had a tiny bit of light pink when I wiped last night (apologise if that’s tmi) but nothing since. No period signs and no pregnancy signs. I cant help but hoping im pregnant but at the same time not wanting to hope in case my period turns up. A few months back I was 14 days late and my doctor blamed stress. Maybe its that again?? I hate the not knowing. If it’s going to come I’d rather it just turned up now. Everyone that’s TTC knows how agonising that two week wait is. . But this is even worse. When will I be able to stop hoping??