Guilt

Guilt

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I don’t talk about my first miscarriage a lot, and there’s reasons for that. But I feel if I’m going to tell my story properly, then maybe I should.  

I was about 19 and hadn’t long discovered my boyfriend at the time had been cheating on me. I took the cheating how most 19 year old girls would – horribly. I coped by going out with the girls and getting drunk. When I was with him I was on the pill kind of intermittently which is horrendous I know. 

A few weeks passed and it occured to me that I hadn’t had a period in a while. I wasn’t sure how long, but I’d guessed around 6 weeks. I calmly took a test not really expecting much and froze when it came back positive. What. The. Fuck? How did this happen? As a now 29 year old I despise myself for how easily I fell pregnant… so feel free to do the same. 

Here’s where the biggest guilt bit comes in. I knew straight away that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. There wasn’t a shred of doubt in my mind. I had zero finances, I was a student working part time in a night club and I had next to no contact with my ex – the dad. I didn’t want to see him again, never mind have a child with him. Even now, I don’t regret my decision – I planned to do what was right for myself at the time. 

I went to the doctors, booked an appointment and that was pretty much all I had to do until I returned to take the pills. They didn’t try deter me or convince me to tell the dad (I chose never to tell him). They said ‘OK’ and gave me a follow up appointment. 

About a week later, I woke up cramping in agony with blood covering my bedsheets. I stupidly went for a bath and the water turned bright red. I genuinely had no clue what was happening. I barely even knew of miscarriages. I phoned my doctor and she told me to get to the hospital immediately. I phoned a taxi and tried to put a couple of pads in to hold the bleeding. 

I sat in the hospital waiting room for about an hour before anyone seen me. I remember everything being cold, clinical and immensely unsympathetic. But that was expected right? After all I didn’t even want the baby anyway. 

Without going in to too much detail, I had to get a D&C about 6 hours later as it didn’t pass naturally. They kept telling me I was wrong and the pain would go but it never did. They finally agreed to another scan and seen that the baby was still inside me. 

As a result, I lost more blood than usual and I was kept in overnight. I was completely alone. None of my family knew and the one friend that did couldn’t be bothered coming with me. The entire time I was there I was sore, terrified and ashamed. I felt guilty for expecting sympathy. This was what I wanted wasn’t it? 

The main reason I don’t talk a lot about this loss is because, for me – I never had to get over the emotional loss. For me, it was more of a physical loss and I don’t like to compare it to my more recent miscarriages. 

I wrote this to try explain that a miscarriage is traumatic no matter what. There’s different levels of trauma and no one should treat someone differently just because their loss was different. We as women should support each other and our decisions and we should fight to change the attitudes of those around us. No one should be treated the way I was treated. I was a 19 year old naive frightened young woman and they treated me like I was a disgrace to expectant mothers everywhere. 

I now know the true emotional pain of a miscarriage and I sometimes wonder if maybe that was my punishment. 

 

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12 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. So so awful. What a terrible thing to go through.

    I’m embarrassed for the hospital and medical system for treating you and so many other women like this! No wonder we have such a hard time talking about miscarriages; they’ve created this shameful attitude around something that we can neither avoid or expect.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It must have felt so lonely and terrifying, I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. It’s good that you’re opening up about it, it can help you feel better. At least it helps me when I do it. You should never think of your recent miscarriages as punishment, why would you deserve any punishment anyways. It’s ok to have different feelings about the miscarriages, they were very different experiences to you. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much to everyone for your comments. I was at work so apologies for the delay in replying .
      I’m so glad i have this blog now where there’s no judgement.
      It means a lot to read all ur kind words!!!

      Thank you 🙂 xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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