Again

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We found out I was pregnant on the 7th October.

Hubby and I sat staring at each other. Were we really pregnant? Could we celebrate? Could we get excited? Could we even be happy?

I’d say I was 60/40. 60% happy, 40% terrified. Considering our losses, I’m pretty impressed with that ratio.

As the weeks passed I over analysed every symptom. Were my boobs still sore? (hubbys squeeze test never failed!) Was that a cramp? Is that a pregnancy spot? Am I pooping a normal amount? (Yup it genuinely got to that stage)

Last Friday, as I was heading off to meet hubby from work I felt…. something... in my underwear. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew it wasn’t right. I rushed to the nearest toilet and there it was… blood.

It was brown, which I know is old blood and old blood isn’t necessarily bad blood blablabla, but whatever. Blood’s blood! I phoned Nikki at worked and we rushed to the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPAU) where the nurses told me they couldn’t do anything and I should just go home to “wait”.

“Excuse me? How very fucking dare you?!” (Is what I wished I said, instead of just silently and politely leaving.)  We decided not to listen to them and we trotted on over to A&E to see if they could do something. They took my blood and 5 hours later we left knowing that my HCG levels were 95 and I was either very early in my pregnancy, or I was miscarrying. So basically none the fucking wiser.

The weekend passed and as Sunday night arrived, so did the red blood. Now that’s not fucking old blood. The little hope I was clinging on to was now disappearing. It was happening again.

We returned to EPAU the following morning and I was given a transvaginal scan (eugh) and had more bloods taken. The nurse told me my original levels were too low and I was to prepare myself for the worst.

I go straight home, hubby brings in cookie dough ice cream (my second tub since Friday by the way) and we lay in bed watching T.V and crying.

I passed what looked like tissue on Tuesday night and again on Wednesday morning. I felt kind of numb. I don’t understand why this is happening. I was pregnant for fucks sake. Stop taking this away from me. I don’t deserve it.