Hubby and I just stared at each other. Were we really pregnant? Could we celebrate? Could we even be happy?
I’d say I was 60/40. 60% happy, 40% shitting myself. Considering our losses, I’m pretty chuffed with that ratio.
A few weeks passed and I over analysed every symptom.. or lack of. Were my boobs still sore? (hubbys squeeze test never failed!) Was that a cramp? Am I pooping a normal amount? (Yup it genuinely got to that stage)
Last Friday I was walking to meet Nikki after work and i felt…. something… in my underwear. I just knew it wasn’t right. I went to a toilet and there it was… blood.
It was brown, which I know is old blood blablabla, but that never helped! I rushed to EPAU who told me they could do nothing and to go home. “WHAT? How very fucking dare you?!” I genuinely couldn’t believe what they were telling me. We decided to trot on over to A&E and see what they could do. 5 hours later we left knowing that my HCG was 95 and I was either very early or miscarrying. So basically none the fucking wiser.
Saturday morning, Nikki calls EPAU again. The woman was an absolute saint. Agreed to see me on the Monday morning.
Sunday night comes, and so does the red blood. The little hope i had left was gone. I was in floods of tears yet again.
At EPAU the next morning, I was given a transvaginal scan (eugh) and bloods taken again. The nurse told me that my original levels were too low and to expect the worst.
So I go home, hubby brings in cookie dough ice cream (my second tub since Friday btw) and we lay in bed watching tv and crying. My phone rings and its the nurse. My levels have risen to 148. What. The. Fuck? Now she was telling me it was either VERY early, or it could be ectopic. She wanted me back in on Wed for more bloods. Back in limbo yet again. It’s been the worst part of it all. We’ve dealt with losses before, and theyre horrendous but we know how to get through them. The constant glimmers of hope are whats worse.
I passed what looked like tissue on Tuesday night and Wed morning. Ive had absolutely zero pain throughout everything (apart from just after the scan, but that was prob cos she was poking around in there). But my miscarriage.. if thats what it was.. was totally painless.
I’ve had my appointment today and now I’m waiting for my blood results. I guess I’m hoping for them to be lower, so we’ll have an answer. If she tells me they’ve risen again I don’t know what the hell I’ll do. I just want it to be over now.