I’m officially 2 days late. I’m hoping by saying (writing) it out loud – it will somehow jinx me and bring on a heavy flow.

I’m not saying I want my period to come – I just hate the waiting. And the constant checking of the toilet paper. Man, I miss the days of just wiping and flushing. Isn’t it funny the things you take for granted. Wiping and flushing has got to be in the top 5.

“Why don’t you just take a test Nicola?” says the voice in my head, and I’m sure some of you are thinking it too. Truth be told, I have no answer for that. Fear maybe. Risk of disappointment.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have any and it’s Sunday so I’m putting off getting dressed for as long as possible.

I don’t want to jump the gun. It is only 2 days. 99% of the time, I’m a 30 day cycle, but there’s always that 1% that likes to wind me up.

Ach maybe I’ll get dressed and buy a test.

Maybe I’ll wait.

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Mug Swap

Mug Swap

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I’ve wanted to do a mug swap for ever, but I kept missing the deadlines, or they were U.S only so, I’ve decided to host my own! Well, I hope to – if enough people are interested!

For those who don’t know, it’s pretty simple. Each person receives a bit of info about a persons likes & dislikes etc and you find the perfect mug for them and send it out! Some people add a little handwritten note, another small item or a little teabag/coffee sachet etc if you like, but finer details would be decided later!

I thought it would be a fun idea for my miscarriage/I.V.F family to take part in something, so I’m just wondering if this sounds like something any of you guys would be interested in? Please comment, and include anyone else you think would be up for this too! (they don’t need to have a blog – just an email address is perfect!)

Oh, and no personal info would be sent to anyone else – only the person that was sending the mug to you. It won’t be published here or anywhere else! This would be open to everyone but you could opt out of international postage if you preferred!

If you’re interested, either comment or send me an email and hopefully we can get at least 10 people involved! Nikkihayes86@gmail.com

Butterfly Awards

Butterfly Awards

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I can’t believe I never mentioned this before. I guess my heads been in the clouds a little.

Anyway, around 2 months ago I received a notification that Hubby had nominated me for a ‘Butterfly Award’. They – amongst other things – recognise people that bring awareness to miscarriage or baby loss via blogs/books/social media/making keepsakes/etc. I’m nominated under the blogger category.

I know that my blog is pretty tiny in comparison to some – I have around 150 followers – but my husband knows how much the blog means to me. If I’ve ever had a bad day he always says to me “You should blog. It helps you”. And he’s right. It always does, and I hope it helps other people too.

If anyone is interested – you can attend the Butterfly Awards ceremony without being nominated/shortlisted. Just pop over to their facebook or website and you can purchase tickets. You can also sponsor or donate there too.

https://finleysfootprints.com/

Starting treatment

Starting treatment

8th May 2018. My final appointment before I begin treatment. Can I scream a little? Do a dance? Or should I just smile to myself? I quite fancy the screaming if I’m honest. 

My next appointment will last around an hour and we’ll do a detailed medical history and then they’ll make sure I’m emotionally stable and secure enough to have a child (my previous rants don’t count right?). Once that’s been confirmed I need to phone them on the first day of my period then BOOM. Treatment! (Unless they’re fully booked in which case I’ll go 4 weeks later).  

I can’t believe we’re finally here. It’s finally happening. I have to say that it’s been incredibly quick (I.V.F wise – the whole TTC thing has felt like a lifetime at times). I had my first appointment in October and treatment will begin around June so that’s about 8months. Considering this is a free NHS provided treatment I’m pretty impressed! 

 

**side note – I took part in another Miscarriage Association about coping (or not) with pregnancy after loss. It’s a great campaign so check it out if you’d like support/info 

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/story/nicolas-pregnancy-loss-story/ 

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/pregnancyaftermiscarriage/ 

Easter break

Easter break

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Last day of college placement for 2 weeks! Thank the Lord!  

Don’t get me wrong, I love placement and I love working with the children but I’m exhausted. We’re coming to the end of the course so there’s a lot of work getting crammed in and I’m so looking forward to having a break. 

I’ll still be working a few days, but that’s about it. I am making zero plans outwith that. I’m going to wake up after 9, drink coffee in bed and wear clothes that don’t have buttons or zips and hell – I might even go bra-less for a few days. 

My I.V.F appointment is this Tuesday so I’m hoping I’ll have a better idea of a timescale then. It’s just a bit of a guessing game so far, but I’m thinking I’ll have my first round in June. Now excuse me while I get undressed and watch T.V in bed for 8 hours straight. 

Confessions

Confessions

I’m not pregnant this month, and I have to tell you…. I’m relieved. 

I know that sounds bad considering the past 3 years all I’ve been writing about is how much I want to be pregnant. 

But I’ll explain. I’m due to start my first round of I.V.F around June and I worry that if I do get pregnant I’ll go back down to the bottom of the list. (Bear in mind, history has shown me that being pregnant doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll have baby.) 

Secondly, I’ve just been accepted to my 2nd year of studying, after which I’ll be qualified. So if I fell pregnant now, I’d feel like it was a bit of a waste. (That’s selfish, I know it is. I know it. But I want to finish and qualify. I want to be able to get a better paying job to provide for my baby when she or he comes and I’m not ashamed of that. (Well, maybe I am a little bit otherwise I probably wouldn’t be writing all this.) 

I’m all too aware this sounds bad – believe me – and I know that deep down, I’d probably be over the moon if it were to happen but I feel like I kind of have a plan now and things are going well. I worry that a natural pregnancy would end badly for me and I’d need to pick myself up all over again. So that’s my confession – I wasn’t totally upset at not being pregnant. 

Moving Forward

Moving Forward

I have my final I.V.F appointment in a few weeks. When I say final, I mean before I officially start the process. So I guess final isn’t the right word. “Next” would be more apt.  

Hubbys results came back and everything was good. We kind of assumed as much, seeing that he has Kian, and we have been pregnant a fair amount of times, but it’s still nice to have official confirmation. 

I’ll get some more blood tests and they want conformation of my rubella immunisation and an up-to-date smear. I have all those boxes ticked so it’s really just a waiting game now. 

I feel more relaxed now. I haven’t felt that pressure to ‘try’ and I’ve barely checked my app. (I used to check it all the time to see when we last tried, or when ovulation week was coming up, or when my P.M.S symptoms started. I was like a woman possessed!) 

So yeah, it’s all good. I still hate having to work the 12 hour shifts and go to college and study and try make time for Kian, hubby and make time for myself  – but hey – most women juggle these things. Things could be (and have been) a lot worse. 

Things are good.  

Me

Me

I’ve had this blog for nearly 3 years now and for the most part – I guess I’ve remained pretty anonymous. I thought maybe it’d be nice to open up and show you all ‘me’ – not just the miscarriage, infertility .. but the regular everyday me. So here goes.

My name’s Nicola, I’m 31 and I live in a small town just outside of Glasgow, Scotland. I think most people know that, but hey; it’s a starting point. I love being Scottish – I’m proud of our little country, and there really is no-one quite like the Glaswegians! I’m married – (you’re probably familiar with Nikki and my stepson Kian.) We have a dog – Kyla. She’s beautiful and just an absolute sweetheart. We had a snake called Abaddon (I mainly called him snakey to be honest) but he died and I cried a little.

I work part-time in a care home and I’m studying Early Education and Childcare at college full time. I’ll be qualified next June, which seems an eternity away. But then again, I feel like I’ve blinked and the last 3 years has gone in a minute.

I LOVE to travel and we try do it as much as time and money allows us. We’ve been to England, Berlin, Paris, Krakow, Cuba and Barcelona together and we’re off to Montenegro in Summer. Costa Rica and Nashville are the next ones on our list – but that’s going to be some big time saving so I imagine in between all the other stuff going on, it’ll take a few years. I regularly fantasise about winning big and spending the next few years travelling the World. Sadly, the most I’ve won is a tenner which barely gets me in to Glasgow city centre.

I love music – pretty much any kind – but top 5 would be: 1.Alice Cooper 2.Dolly Parton 3.Shinedown 4.Eminem (old school of course) 5.SIA (these change regularly depending what mood I’m in.. I mean, Celine Dion and Elvis have to be in there sometimes too)

I have – I think – 27 tattoos. I’ve always loved them. I’m torn between being a leather wearing, tatted rock star to wearing floral dresses, cowboy boots and chilling out at the Bluebird cafe (I wish).

I love going to see shows, going out for nice food, reading crime/thriller books, and watching a fair mix of decent & terrible T.V! Ru Pauls Drag Race is my number 1 guilty pleasure at the moment. (and hubbys too, shhh!)

I guess that’s the main things. Anything else you’d like to know – just ask. Let’s get to know each other. Hope you all feel like you know me a little better now. I’ve put some photos on as well so you can finally put a proper face to the person! So yeah.. Hi everyone!file__storage_emulated_0_WhatsApp_Media_WhatsApp Images_IMG-20180101-WA0040file__storage_emulated_0_Pictures_Instagram_IMG_20170728_180114_015file__storage_emulated_0_WhatsApp_Media_WhatsApp Images_IMG-20180101-WA0006IMG-20170418-WA0009file__storage_emulated_0_Pictures_Instagram_IMG_20170425_110604_703

Naive

Naive

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So I thought I.V.F would be simple – I mean; I guess I kind of knew it was a long, hard process but I think I chose to overlook that part just so I could revel in the excitement for a while. 

But now that it’s approaching, I’m starting to worry a little. 

I worry about how I’m going to manage college and studying full-time, working 12 hour shifts in a care home, look for a new house, look after Kian 3 days a week and manage to attend all my I.VF. appointments. I worry I’ll miss college work, or will have to cancel shifts. Will be able to pay the bills if I can’t go to work? I worry about injecting myself. I worry about how I’ll deal with the side effects of  the treatment. I worry about the in-between stages – the waiting. Most of all I worry about how the hell I’ll cope if I do all of this and it still fails. 

Someone please sprinkle some positivity on me. I need it. Damnit. I was doing so well.  

Questions

Questions

My period arrived this morning and I was okay with it. I’m feeling so positive this year that I genuinely don’t feel as shitty anymore when she comes to visit. 

My biggest problem now is that I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how I can fall pregnant 4 times in 2 years, how I can ovulate every month, how I can have “great eggs and a great uterus” (doctors words remember), how I can have zero medical reasons for not falling pregnant, yet in the last 16months I haven’t been able to. 

I’m happy and confident with our I.V.F prospects but I still can’t help but question things. What’s changed? There has to be something doesn’t there?