It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’m almost certain I’ve started a post with that sentence before. Sometimes if there’s not much to report, or I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I won’t blog. I should; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I talk myself out of it. I’m working on it.
It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years TTC is a long time believe me. It’s not just the miscarriages that takes it toll.. it’s the time. The time it takes to fall pregnant, the agonising time it takes your body to realise it’s not ready for that baby yet, the time it takes to physically recover, and of course, the time it takes to emotionally recover.
1 pregnancy can take up the most of your year and you haven’t even had the chance to give birth yet. It’s a lot to deal with.
It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s heart breaking, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting… the list goes on and on…
While I’m trying to heal emotionally, I sometimes go through the “what if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can just pop em out” stage. Is that an official stage of grief? Stage 3 – crazy irrational thoughts. If it’s not it should be. We need to know its normal to be crazy sometimes. And of course I know it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational Ok? I worry. I get upset. I get stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Is it? Oh silly me, I didn’t realise. Well now I’m not stressed. (By the way, while we’re on that subject – I’m pretty certain women in war zones still get pregnant, and hell – they’re a lot more stressed than I am!)
I guess in a way the actual losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through, you learn to cope with that part of things. You tell yourself there must have been a reason – you might not always know the reason – but there still is one.
But this… how do you get over constantly trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing?