It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. If I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I don’t always write. I guess I should though; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I seem to talk myself out of it. I’m working on it.
It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years ‘trying’ is a long time. It’s not only the miscarriages that I struggle with – it’s the time. The time it takes to fall pregnant, the time it takes for your body to realise it’s not ready for that baby yet, then the time it takes to physically recover, and of course, the time it takes to emotionally recover.
Just one pregnancy can take up the most of your year and you haven’t even had the chance to give birth yet. It’s a lot to deal with.
It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s heart breaking, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting… the list goes on and on…
On my bad days I go through the “What if” stage. What if I never had a miscarriage? What would my life be like now? What if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can give him a baby?
Is this an official stage of grief? Stage 3 – crazy irrational thoughts. If it’s not, it should be. We need to know its normal to be crazy sometimes. And of course I know it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational Ok? I worry. I get upset. I get stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Is it? Oh silly me, I didn’t realise. Well I’ll just stop being stressed then shall I? Easy! (While we’re on that subject – I’m pretty certain women in War zones still get pregnant, and Hell – they’re a lot more stressed than I am!)
I guess in a way the actual losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through, you learn to cope with that side of things. You tell yourself there must have been a reason – you might not always know the reason – but there still is one. You try rationalise it in your head.
But this. How do you get over always trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing?