Time

Time

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. If I feel like I’m constantly being negative then I don’t always write. I guess I should though; this is the place for honest thoughts afterall, but I seem to talk myself out of it. I’m working on it. 

It’s a few months shy of the 3 year mark. 3 years ‘trying’ is a long time. It’s not only the miscarriages that I struggle with –  it’s the time. The time it takes to fall pregnant, the time it takes for your body to realise it’s not ready for that baby yet, then the time it takes to physically recover, and of course, the time it takes to emotionally recover. 

Just one pregnancy can take up the most of your year and you haven’t even had the chance to give birth yet. It’s a lot to deal with. 

It’s frustrating, it’s draining, it’s heart breaking, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting, it’s annoying, it’s upsetting… the list goes on and on… 

On my bad days I go through the “What if” stage. What if I never had a miscarriage? What would my life be like now? What if my husband gets fed up and leaves me for someone that can give him a baby?  

Is this an official stage of grief? Stage 3 – crazy irrational thoughts. If it’s not, it should be. We need to know its normal to be crazy sometimes.  And of course I know it’s irrational, my husband isn’t with me solely for my (in)ability to have children, but I’ll be honest; I’m not always rational Ok? I worry. I get upset. I get stressed. Stress is bad for baby making. Is it? Oh silly me, I didn’t realise. Well I’ll just stop being stressed then shall I? Easy! (While we’re on that subject – I’m pretty certain women in War zones still get pregnant, and Hell – they’re a lot more stressed than I am!) 

I guess in a way the actual losses have got easier over time; there’s a process you go through, you learn to cope with that side of things. You tell yourself there must have been a reason – you might not always know the reason – but there still is one. You try rationalise it in your head. 

But this. How do you get over always trying and failing when all you’re ever doing is trying and failing? 

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15 thoughts on “Time

  1. This resonates so much with how I felt while we were trying for two years. It’s so hard and takes so much out of you; trying, conceiving, miscarrying and trying again. It just feels like a never ending cycle of hope then pain. And then you look back and where has the time gone and you feel no closer to the end goal. Truly heartbreaking but you just got to keep going as there isn’t anything else to do. For us we just couldn’t keep going so went down the adoption route. Good luck and just keep on believing. All my love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this… I know there’s other options/avenues to explore and I think eventually we will.. I’m jist trying to stay positive that something will happen naturally and biologically before we do that… but I guess we just never know.

      My husband’s uncle is going throw the adoption process and that seems so long and draining too doesn’t it? So I think going straight from this to that is too much for me just now.. I think its something that we’ll explore in a few years

      Are u far on in the adoption process?

      Like

      1. I never thought I’d go down this route to start a family and it’s definitely not for everyone but we couldn’t keep going through the hurt. We may try for our own again in the future though, who knows! We have been very lucky, we started the process last Feb and our son came to live with us in Dec. For us the process wasn’t too bad, but I know it can be hard for others. Just keep that hope and positivity going xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Your story is identical to ours. 3 years ttc, 3 miscarriages, 8 months roughly each time. We’ve got a referral down the IVF route now because of my age and the time it takes us. It’s all very draining and I too have the same thoughts as you. It’s one big ball bag this whole fertility nonsense!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. IVF I think is something we might look to…i said I’d wait til around Aug or Sept and take it from there. Honestly when I was 18, I was always “I’m gna wait til im 30 to have kids then I’ll have two. 1 boy, 1 girl.”

      I never once thought it would be this difficult.. I’m a nice person, I deserve an easy ride haha!!

      How old are you now if you don’t mind me asking, I was 30 last year so I know while I’m still “technically” young, I know it’s not gonna last and I’ll be fast approaching the age where it starts to affect my fertility.. I’m very conscious of not leaving it too late!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m 37. I didn’t meet my husband till late on and we only started ttc when I was 34. Time is certainly ticking for me and I also have a low egg count so it makes it even more time limiting. I’m worried that it’s the low egg reserve that is making things difficult. The lack of eggs probably means the crappy ones are left and they are getting fertilised and have issues, hence the miscarriages. My one thought with IVF is they select the best embryo so hopefully we’re in with a better chance. It’s all a lottery. I was like you, knew what I wanted from a young age. I’d do anything just to have the one now.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah I def think there’s a better chance of carrying with IVF.. from what I’ve read and seen on other blogs on here anyway. I’m not too read up on it, as we’re having to wait til we hit the “year” mark.. which is frustrating when I feel.like I’ve hit the 3 years mark!!

        It’s just awful that we need to go through all this though isn’t It! When do you “officially” start IVF? Good luck with it all!! I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled on your blog 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yeah it’s really frustrating. I keep thinking if I’d not got pregnant I’d be further on with the process by now. It’s frustrating. Can you tell a little white lie about your dates at all?

        We have our first appointment in August. Ended up changing clinics and having to wait a bit longer but fingers crossed we’re getting somewhere. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Eugh I so wish I could but previous MC, I went straight to early pregnancy as it was only light brown spotting and then my HGC levels were rising, then falling, then rising again…so I kept having to go for blood tests.. so they bloody know the dates 😡😡 I have a holiday booked for end July so thinking when I get back from that, I’ll make some calls and just beg and plead!

        Good luck for August.. it’ll be here before you know it! I so hope youre successful on this journey!! Stay positive 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you love. Same to you xx I think you need to get yourself in the system as soon as possible. My doctor counted my dates from when I got pregnant not miscarried. He saw the desperation and wanted to help. Good luck and keep fighting xx

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Ahhh well that would push me up a month or two! I.might try that.. my doc has seen the struggle so I think he’d be pretty happy to help me.. or I could at least get in touch with my specialist! Yup.. I think I will! There’s no point in me putting it off just to delay things even more

        Thank you so much!! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

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