And it’s all in my head

And it’s all in my head


So she turned up yesterday. 26 fucking days. In my 15 beautiful menstruating years, I have never experienced a 26 day cycle, but for some reason for the last 2 months; she’s decided to show up after 26 days. Bitch. 

So now I have no idea when I’m ovulating. I never know what length of cycle my body will decide to have, and if I’m perfectly honest, checking my cervix grosses me out.  

I don’t want to go down the route of official ovulation testing for 2 reasons: 

1) They aren’t 100% and I worry I won’t use them right, or I’ll miss the surge, or I’ll get a dodgy pack. Whatever. Too many variables. 

2) I’m trying not to put loads of pressure on myself, and I feel by testing it’s taking the fun out of everything and adding extra stress to the situation.  

But what else is left? 

It’s been 16 months of constant trying and I’m starting to lose hope. The doctors say nothing’s wrong but this can’t be normal. It can’t be this hard. 

I don’t know if I can deal with feeling like this every single month. Crying, and feeling like a failure. And if one day, I do get pregnant.. can I handle another loss? 

Ugh, guess it’s one of those days. Again. 


31 thoughts on “And it’s all in my head

    1. Aw.. That actually made smile 🙂 thank u so much for understanding.. I feel awful complaining when you’ve had such a hard time recently… it’s just so bloody unfair though isn’t it?? One of these days sweetie.. one of these days! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh I so can relate to this post!! It’s been 16 months for me as well and with every pass month this journey seems to get harder and harder to bare. I like to believe that I’m ovulating but the tracking and temping and checking cm and well all that nonsense I’ve given up on months ago. It’s not like doing all of that has really sped up this process. The torture of saying to myself each month well if I would have done this then instead of that maybe would change the outcome. Who knows. We never know in this. One is always told after a miscarriage ‘oh at least you know you can get pregnant’ or ‘oh you’ll be pregnant again in no time’; sorry but that is a bunch of crap!! It doesn’t change anything and yes we know stress doesn’t help, but really if you were TTC unsuccessfully for well over a year I think you would find not being stress impossible. Hugs to you and know you are not alone in this or your feelings!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ohhh that “least u can get pregnant” line.. how many times do we have to hear that?? Is that actually supposed to make us feel better?

      I’ve tried the OPKs and honestly I have no idea what I’m doing!! I spend the time convincing myself that the 2nd line is a shade darker so I must be ovulating! I gave up after the 2nd month.

      I mean, if so many women can get pregnant and have a baby without even bloody trying, surely we get our turn too?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Right!?! I found digital, while expensive, were the way to go with OPKs…at least then it was pretty clear to me with a smiley vs. the lines. I would always second guess myself or have someone in my TTC group tell me their thoughts when I was using the line ones. BTW incase you are interested I am an admin for the Still Mothers TTC page on facebook if you are looking for a super supportive ttc page. I know how hard it can be to be in one for those who already have children or have never experienced a miscarriage. Having those who actually get what it is like to TTC after loss without any living children makes a world of difference.

        I too often think I know so many women who don’t try and get pregnant and its all I want and it won’t happen. I mean what is the deal!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ll need to figure something out for this month.. the hoping and guessing when I’m ovulating is making just as stressed so there must be something better for me. I think I’m just scared that the test won’t work.. it’ll come up I’m not ovulating so I won’t try.. then I’ll miss it. I know it’s unlikely but that’s what goes through my head lol.

        Aw thank u so much!! I dont have fb anymore though. Deactivated it a while back.. getting too annoying! But I really appreciate it 🙂


      3. Try timed intercourse cycle day 10 to 21 every other day. I know that’s easier said tha done. That’s what all my doctors have suggested if I wasn’t doing opks. Totally understand about fb! I often think about deleting mine! Haha 🙂


      4. I think that’s my problem.. because I’m so used to my 30 day cycle I’ve been doing it from around day 13/14 to Fay 21 so if does happen earlier I’ll miss it! I think I’ll try do it earlier this time esp with my strange cycles!! Fingers crossed!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I also do the cervical mucous observation through the Creighton method. It teaches so much about your body as well as determining any underlying factors with fertility. It’s very easy and inexpensive to learn. I don’t know what all you have tried nor do I want to sound pushy. Best of luck to you sweetie. I’ve been in your shoes for years and still no rainbow baby. Although I am currently pregnant, we still don’t know if this is a viable pregnancy. We will just keep on fighting the good fight.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending you some hugs! People need to shut it with all their “helpful” lines. Telling someone not to stress just makes them stress. It’s like saying “oh don’t look”…
    CM can be so tricky, have you tried checking your cervical position as well? That’s also a little tricky and can honestly take a couple of cycles to work out but it could help a little in combination with checking CM. Anyway just a thought.
    Hope you’re feeling a little better. If not now, then soon 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m really sorry to hear you’re having such a shit time of it honey. I don’t want to offer “helpful” suggestions because you’re not an idiot and I’m sure you’ve tried them all anyway! The only thing I can tell you is that when I was trying I used three different apps (yes three!) they each told me I was ovulating on different days (sometimes it varies by as much as a week per app so it’s clearly not a science!) but I just made sure we had sex on all three of the fertile Windows that the apps recommended. I used My Days, Ovia and Glow. Now I’ve written it down it sounds utterly mental, but I know what it feels like to be so desperate for a baby so I also know that mental is exactly what it makes you! With regards to other people telling you not to stress – point out that every time they say that it actually increases your stress levels! Maybe then they’ll butt out and leave you in peace! Crossing everything for you that this next month is The Month. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I’ll punch the next bloody person that tells me it, never mind asking them to butt out lol.
      We “tried” a lot this month.. So I thought we got it. Of course, we might of.. doesn’t mean I’d automatically get pregnant just cos we hit ovulation time.. but still, I don’t bloody know!!!

      I’ll need to try something else obv. That stupid app lies to me lol.

      Thanks for commenting honey 🙂 hope you’re doing okay 😙

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Because you’re still at prime fertile age under 35. I had tests to determine why I was having miscarriages but nothing showed up. So because I can get pregnant, theres no medical issues.. I won’t get any help any time soon.


      1. Are you in the uk? Only my local trust will investigate and treat women after 2 years of trying. They put requirements on it such as BMI under 30 and having no other children etc xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yea Scotland but because I’ve already been pregnant three times so theres no obvious fertility issues. I’m not deemed suitable. My weight is ideal, I don’t smoke and my alcohol intake is very low. Been taking folic acid for a year and a half now but still nothing.

        The only thing available is a study taking place in England that I would need to pay for by myself.


  5. I’m in the same boat. When I first started TTC I was doing everything, taking all sorts of supplements, tracking my BBT, looking at my CM, using ovulation predictor kits and slowly over time I have stopped doing just about everything. I was using an ovulation predictor kit up until I took a break from TTC so I am pretty much just relying on my body at this point. If I feel or see fertile CM then thats all I go by. When I first started with my fertility clinic they told me, as do the boxes for the ovulation predictor kits to start testing on day 11, one month I decided maybe I would try earlier and I got the smiley face on day 9, so who knows how many months I missed ovulation because I was starting too late. Its not always that early though.

    My cycle has been just as unpredictable. This past month mine was 35 days long. Its never 35 days long. I haven’t had any miscarriages, but I have had two chemical pregnancies, which I guess some would call early miscarriages. But I don’t have any answers for any of it. I started taking CoQ10 recently hoping that it would help grow healthy eggs. Hang in there. We all are, even when we are miserable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Chemical pregnancies are still losses though.. it doesn’t matter when it happens, it’s still awful and I’m sorry.

      I feel more positive now, the first few days of my period are always worse with my hormones.

      I’m still unsure if I should get OPKs or just keep trying throughout the month n hoping we time it right. Like you say, the OPKs don’t guarantee a pregnancy!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Owww after your last post I thought “this is it” !
    Every month I do the same, prodding my boobs wondering if they’re tender, second guessing whether it’s nausea or indigestion, making excuses for BBT drop (of course, it’s an implantation dip innit?!) & i’m like 😱 How did that happen when AF turns up! I also got the 25 day uber short cycle. Maybe it’s a February thing.
    By the time it finishes and your hormones settle you’ll feel much better and will start getting excited for another round of baby dancing. Another month is another chance. Don’t lose hope because it WILL happen. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh believe me I did too! I told myself (like I do every month) not to get ahead of myself but I just had the strongest feeling this time.. man, our bodies are cruel!

      I do feel better already now that I’m a few days in.. def less hormonal anyway 🙂

      Yup.. on to another month! I always had this thing about not trying in March cos I didn’t want a Xmas baby (was worried they would get overshadowed or something I dunno) but obv after trying for so long, I know how insane that sounds… So March may just be my lucky month lol!!

      Fingers crossed for u next month too! X


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