So she turned up yesterday. 26 fucking days. In my 15 beautiful menstruating years, I have never experienced a 26 day cycle, but for some reason for the last 2 months; she’s decided to show up after 26 days. Bitch.
So now I have no idea when I’m ovulating. I never know what length of cycle my body will decide to have, and if I’m perfectly honest, checking my cervix grosses me out.
I don’t want to go down the route of official ovulation testing for 2 reasons:
1) They aren’t 100% and I worry I won’t use them right, or I’ll miss the surge, or I’ll get a dodgy pack. Whatever. Too many variables.
2) I’m trying not to put loads of pressure on myself, and I feel by testing it’s taking the fun out of everything and adding extra stress to the situation.
But what else is left?
It’s been 16 months of constant trying and I’m starting to lose hope. The doctors say nothing’s wrong but this can’t be normal. It can’t be this hard.
I don’t know if I can deal with feeling like this every single month. Crying, and feeling like a failure. And if one day, I do get pregnant.. can I handle another loss?
Ugh, guess it’s one of those days. Again.