There’s a box in my living room that I refer to as my ‘Pandora’s Box’.
It’s actually a vintage suitcase that we had our guests drop their cards in to at the wedding.
We still have it on display in our living room, only now it serves as a holder for said cards, the guestbook, my garter, a copy of the invitations, our vows, my hairband/tiara thing and some other little memories.
As a wedding gift, I bought my husband a pocket watch he’d been eyeing up in the kilt shop and had it engraved for him. I also got a little notepad as a private gift between us that contains; well, notes. That’s kind of a given.
I wrote things like ’10 reasons why I love you’, Where I see us in 10 years’, ‘My favourite memory together’ and other equally as cute and sickeningly romantic notes.
This tiny seemingly innocent 4″ x 4″ notepad is the sole reason why I don’t look in the box anymore. That was, until today.
I had to put something inside it today and I just couldn’t stop myself from looking at the notepad. I knew what I was getting myself in to. I mean, I really knew. But still – I read it. I started to cry. I tried in vain to stop, but the tears kept coming.
There were notes about how my husband was such a good father and how he was going to be a brilliant one again to our little one. Notes about how we had everything we ever wanted, and life was pretty much perfect. We used to call the baby lentil (I know I’m not the only one that does this), so there was a mention of how I love that he would do anything for me, Kian and lentil. Just seeing that word broke my heart. I broke down again.
Next week will be 1 year since we lost our little one and I truthfully can’t ever see myself being completely okay. I’ll always have the ‘should’ve been’ dates in my mind. I’ll always wonder why it had to happen to us. We miss you so much Lentil. Why did you have to leave us?