Pandoras Box

Pandoras Box

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There’s a box in my living room that I’ve filled with our wedding mementos. It’s actually an old suitcase that we found at a vintage market and used it at the wedding as a place for guests to put their cards in, but It fits in perfectly with the decor in our living room. We have have vintage kind of thing going on.

Now it serves as a holder for said cards, the guestbook, my garter, a copy of the invitations, our vows, my hairband/tiara thing and some other little memories.

As a wedding gift, I bought my husband a pocket watch he’d been eyeing up in the kilt shop and had it engraved for him. I also got a little notepad as a private gift between us that contains; well, notes basically.

Notes like ’10 reasons why I love you’, Where I see us in 10 years’, ‘My favourite memory together’ and other equally as cute and romantic notes.

This tiny little 4″ x 4″ notepad is the sole reason why I don’t look in the wedding box anymore. Until today.

I had to put something inside it today and me being me, just couldn’t stop myself from looking at the notepad. ‘Forever Young’ by Audra Mae was playing in the background (I always have music playing while I tidy, and it was stupidly on shuffle today so it never skipped by the emotional ones) and I started to cry. I tried in vain to stop – I had just applied my make up for work so I mean I really tried to stop

There was notes about how my husband was such a good father and he was going to be a brilliant one again to our little one. How we had everything we ever wanted, and life was pretty much perfect. We used to call the baby lentil (because he/she is the size of a lentil at a certain point of pregnancy – I’ve seen a few other people do this), so there was a mention of how I love that he would do anything for me, Kian and lentil.  Just seeing that word broke my heart. Lentil. We never named our baby as the loss was at 12 weeks, but it’s almost like Lentil became it’s name so seeing it written down, it just made everything so real again.

Next week will be 1 year since we lost the little one and although I am in a much better place now, I can’t ever see myself being completely okay. I’ll always have the ‘should’ve been’ dates in my mind and I’ll always wonder why it had to happen.

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