I haven’t been around a lot of babies in my life. I tended to avoid them up until recently if I’m honest. I’m so inexperienced with babies its ridiculous. My stepson was 3 when I met him so he was past all the nappies/crying/teething/squishy head stage.
We babysat our niece last night and she was staying over at our place. This was the first time there was going to be a baby staying over at my house. (She’s 13months so she’s not really a baby baby, but still). My husband was there so that eased the pressure a little – he’s pretty good at that kind of stuff.
We bought a travel cot and hubby put it up in Kians room. He put a blanket and little teddy bear inside and shouted me in to see if it was ok.
Seeing a cot sitting where ours should have been was a strange feeling. Knowing it could – no should – have been my baby sleeping in it. It was awful. Seeing the empty cot just killed me. It broke my heart. On the outside I look like I’m doing so well, but there’s still a lot of pain inside. Whether that’s from the miscarriage in January, or the one I just had there, or a combination of both, I don’t know. I just know its there.
I guess it must’ve threw me off a bit. Threw me off my game. Not that I have any game to be honest! She wouldn’t take her bottle from me straight away and when she finally did, it didn’t feel like I was holding her right. I felt awkward. I asked my husband to take over who managed it perfectly first time. I then just spent about an hour feeling like shit thinking I was a failure who wouldn’t be able to feed her own child. And then I felt worse thinking I wouldn’t even have a child.
Maybe I’m hormonal. I haven’t had my period since the last miscarriage and that’s playing on my mind too. We haven’t really tried at all this month and I know I’m going to have to deal with still not being pregnant. I never imagined it would be like this. Never imagined it would be this hard. No one warns you about this this stuff.