I havent been around a lot of babies in my life.. i tended to avoid them up until recently if im honest. They kind of terrified me. Im so inexperienced with babies its ridiculous. My stepson was 3 when i met him so he was past all the nappies/crying/teething/squishy head stage.
Anyway… We babysat our niece last night and she was staying over at our place. This was the first time there was going to be a baby (she’s 13months so she’s not really a baby baby..but still) overnight in my house. My husband was there so that eased the pressure a little – he’s pretty good at that kind of stuff.
We bought a travel cot and hubby put it up in Kians room. He put all the blankets n stuff inside and shouted me in. I can’t describe the feeling it gave me seeing it. Seeing a cot sitting where ours should have been. Knowing it could have been my baby sleeping in it. It was awful. Don’t get me wrong… when my niece was sleeping in it, it wasn’t like that. I absolutely adore her and when I see her, I don’t usually relate her to my child. She’s her own wee person and I’m so happy I’m her auntie. But seeing the empty cot just killed me. It broke my heart. On the outside i look like I’m doing so well, but there’s obviously still a lot of pain inside. Whether that’s from the miscarriage in January, or the one I just had there, or even a combination of both, I don’t know. I just know its there.
It threw me off a bit. Threw me off my game. Not that I have any game btw! She wouldn’t take her bottle from me straight away and when she finally did, it didn’t feel like I was holding her right.. I asked my husband to take over then just spent about an hour feeling like shit thinking I was a failure who wouldn’t be able to feed her own child… then I felt even worse thinking I wouldn’t ever even have a child!
Maybe im due soon and I’m just extra hormonal. I haven’t had my period since the last miscarriage and that’s playing on my mind too. We haven’t really tried at all this month and I know I’m going to have to deal with still not being pregnant. I never imagined it would be like this. Never imaginrd it would be this hard… No one warns you about this this stuff..